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What BPD personality trait troubles you the most?

J

JWolf

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Joined
Feb 18, 2020
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21
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Argentina
Hey everyone! I've been diagnosed with BPD by two psychiatrists and they got something right because the treatment they gave me (one still does) have greatly improved my quality of life. But the other day I reviewed what BPD is about and I don't feel so identified really. Specially when it comes to relationships. Lots of articles and videos emphasize as a symptom having unstable and chaotic relationships. That I can't relate to. I get along with everyone and never enter in conflict with anybody, and I handle rejection fairly well. The last guy I dated even told me when we split that our relationship had been the most healthy one he'd had. I do have to admit that with my ex boyfriend I was different, I wasn't taking medication yet and I would get super upset, yelling and crying, when I got jealous, and I'd feel terrible anxiety whenever I felt indifference from him. I wonder if the medication alone "cured" that symptom. That is not to say I don't get very attached sometimes. But learning about Buddhist non-attachment has helped me greatly with that.

Other symptom that is mentioned often is explosive anger. Another thing I can't relate. I never get angry and I feel very distress when someone around me does, because I hate conflict. Another symptom I can't relate is "feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality".

The BPD traits I did have but got better with treatment are self harm, suicidal thoughts, feelings of emptiness and depression.

And the symptoms I still struggle with and have been the most life shaping ones for me: shifting self image and impulsive, self destructive behaviors. I've have so many different plans for my life, I've dropped them all. I've held so many beliefs and ideals that have changed completely. I've studied several things and still don't have a profession because didn't finish anything. And then the self destructive side: binge eating, alcohol, cocaine, money spending. My urges are my biggest enemy.

What traits do you guys relate to the most and the least?
 
LittleMissNameless

LittleMissNameless

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canada
I think for me self destructive behaviour- especially when things are going well I'll just ruin it for myself because I don't deserve happiness. My mood swings are also particularly brutal I swing from anger that leaves me trembling and almost impossible to contain to suicidal depression in the course of a day. I stay out of relationships because I am unable to make healthy attachments, have trust issues and cant modulate my own extreme emotions.
 
J

JWolf

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Joined
Feb 18, 2020
Messages
21
Location
Argentina
I think for me self destructive behaviour- especially when things are going well I'll just ruin it for myself because I don't deserve happiness. My mood swings are also particularly brutal I swing from anger that leaves me trembling and almost impossible to contain to suicidal depression in the course of a day. I stay out of relationships because I am unable to make healthy attachments, have trust issues and cant modulate my own extreme emotions.
Have you done psychiatrical and psychological therapy? If so, do you think it has helped?
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
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London, ON
Mostly teh anger, at this point. The rest I can cope with, but teh anger still flares up at pretty minor stuff.
 
Princess Zelda

Princess Zelda

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Apr 22, 2020
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721
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Germany
I guess the fear of abandonment because I'm always afraid that people will dislike me and leave me. I'm very sensitive, too.
 
wraziel

wraziel

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Feb 12, 2020
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197
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Chile
I can't get a sentimental/sexual relationship is so intense, so jealous, my brain works in 10000%, detonates some bad in me, it triggers the unestable me, If the relationship fails I become evil, anger, I've moved away in every way possible of a good girl that I've been noticed I like her. I've damaged (not physically) friends motivated by hate, anger. I hate stress, puts me down. In my country the mental cares sucks. Sadness can drives me in vicious things. The emptiness is like a roulete, but I think is detonated by triggers, or not IDK.
 
mami5

mami5

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Aug 30, 2012
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11,196
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North West Wales
I don't have anger issues and get very frightened of conflicts, I don't do drugs or drink excessively either, but I have really bad suicidal thoughts on a daily basis and tend to self harm often. At the moment paranoia is effecting me badly as I've been told not to drive because of it. I am very sensitive especially when it comes to criticism and abandonment. When it comes to relationships I can idolise someone one minute and totally hate them the next and think they are turning against me and want to harm me in some way. Due to my past I have massive trust issues and feel a worthless piece of sh!t.

I hate BPD!!!
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

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Aug 12, 2019
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185
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West London
The single symptom I most identify - and struggle - with is the inability to cope with rejection, and the consequent fear of it; even a perceived or expected rejection sends me into a suicidal spiral. Given that I'm male - and so am generally expected to make the first move in a romantic sense - this means trying to pursue relationships is like playing Russian Roulette for me, so I just don't bother anymore. Also, since fucking tumblr latched on to the whole 'Nice Guy' stereotype, I've been accused of being that as though the way I react to being unwanted is about 'entitlement' or my 'fragile male ego'... it fucking pisses me off when I know it's a lot deeper than that, but people who I thought were my friend won't listen (deliciously ironic, seeing as the whole 'Nice Guy' thing is about me allegedly having never been a proper friend...).

Not that I think BPD reactions are - or should be - excusable, but give me a chance to explain myself and judge me on the fucking truth, you know? And don't pretend you know everything about me just because I'm male...

Otherwise, as touched on above it doesn't take much for me to feel suicidal, but it's almost exclusively ideation... I very rarely self-harm. I also never got into drink or drugs - I can't remember the last time I had an alcoholic drink (it's been at least a year, maybe two) because getting drunk often takes me to a bad headspace (which isn't helped by the fact that the places where people tend to drink - bars and clubs - are triggering places for me), and drugs just never appealed to me... I figure the best way to avoid getting addicted to something is to not try it in the first place. It helped that I'm difficult to peer pressure, and so back when I was a teenager my friends' attempts to goad me into experimenting with shit never worked.

I suspect I might have it in me to be promiscuous - I know that at times I actively fucking crave *that* kind of validation - but I'm ugly and weird and so no-one wants to have sex with me.

I very much feel the profound emptiness that's associated with BPD, and also the issues with identity. Rather than having evolved into who I am today, I feel like the latest of many hasty rebuilding jobs that I've had to perform every time my life has been shattered by something or other... the most recent of those was eight years ago, and sometimes I feel like I'm only eight years old, as though I came into the world a fully formed adult. I have memories of who I was before, of course I do, but they feel like someone else's because of how different those versions of me were compared to the current one.

Really, rather than having had one life that's taken a few unexpected turns, I feel as though I've experienced a number of different lives.

Additionally, I often feel like one and a half people, as though there's too much of me to ever be a stable and coherent whole.

I can be paranoid about and clingy in my friendships, but I've mitigated for that by keeping fewer friends than in the past, and being extremely careful about who I become close to. I do also split on people I'm attracted to, but I've addressed that as well by simply repressing my sexuality and keeping a distance from anyone I start feeling an attraction towards. I hate admitting this, but several times over the last couple of years I unexpectedly developed deeper feelings towards people I already knew, and decided to ghost them because I honestly thought it would be the least worst course of action.

I do also possess the BPD anger and rage, which coming from a man can be pretty unnerving for others.
 
LittleMissNameless

LittleMissNameless

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Mar 2, 2019
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295
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canada
Hi I'm thinking of trying to get dbt privately for my daughter who has bpd
Can't seem to get it through her mental health team
Just wondering how effective it is
DBT is the go-to therapy for people with BPD because it focuses on midfulness, interpersonal relationships, emotion regulation and distress tolerance all of these struggles are what BPD affects the most.
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
547
The thing I struggle with most is the love hate with people the feeling intense love for everyone but not really being able to feel it back, or at least feel like people’s love of Me is conditional And when my mum died recently I felt like the one person Who loveD me unconditionally is gone, this is why I love animals they always are happy to see you. I am also really perceptive So I’ll pick up on peoples emotions or If they are slightly different, which is good for helping people and empathising but bad when you’re picking up negative feelings or emotions towards yourself. I also struggle with people showing neutral expressions I always feel like it’s a negative emotion or they hate me. I just want everyone to love me as much as I love them. Everyone who is kind to me I adore but I love everyone I meet who was just friendly. I’m also scared that I’ll outlive everyone I love because I’m a cockroach and I can’t die I’ve survived so many life-threatening illnesses I know I’m going to outlive everyone and be old and frail by myself.

I was told by I was told by a Psychologist and a psychiatric nurse I have internalised PPPsychologist and a psychiatric nurse I have internalised BPD and it feels like I’m suffocating sometimes because I feel all these emotions but I can’t let them out because I don’t want people to get upset or have a negative impact on them in fact when I had a crisis referral to community mental health I was actually sent back because on the psychiatric nurse Did an assessment on me I was afraid my answers will scare her or worry her so I lied so she didn’t feel bad or worry every now and again The pressure of emotions buildup and I’ll just lose it like my brother once said I had an argument with him when I was little And He said Something like I hate you something like I hate you and my eyes glazed over and he said he was genuinely scared he felt like I was a different person, And he’s not scared of anything the fact that he re members that Is worrying, I hate the black-and-white thinking I want grey in my life. But I genuinely fear that I will kill myself because There’s only so long you can need love like you need air, But feel like you’re suffocating because you can’t feel it back.

Sorry my responses so long I was just talking and typing I’m not even hundred percent sure I’ve got PSorry my responses so long I was just talking and typing I’m not even hundred percent sure I’ve got BPD It’s just that was what they were thinking and they tried to send me to TVIt’s just that was what they were thinking and theyMention DBT as a treatment.
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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Jul 12, 2011
Messages
547
Sorry my message was so jumbled I was dictating into my phone and it came out a bit wrong, I also struggle with the fact people online seem to hate people BPD so much
 
Mal84

Mal84

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Jan 15, 2020
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1,203
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Hovering in the Atlantic
For me, I think is unstable relationships and abandonment. What’s it means for me is that I take too much of the load so people tell me all their problems and I’m there to support them which then makes my mh worse, which then turns into abandonment because by the time I start to take care of myself and back off the relationship is all about them offloading to me so when I back off, I’m no use anymore and they leave me.
 
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