My partner struggles to understand my disorder and up until recently I thought I was doing pretty well, ans always I relapse and have another episode, to which I can’t explain why or how it was triggered. I struggle speaking about it openly face sometimes and felt the need to just write it down and try to make sense of it all and I have a limited number of people I can tell or talk to...I sent the below description which is the only way I could try to explain where I’m at right now... how does everyone else explain how they feel, how they see the world? What they expect? And self awareness, how aware is everyone else of their symptoms?
I know that I see the world as an evil dark place and I struggle to understand why everyone else doesn’t think like me, why people don’t conform to my unrealistic expectations of the world and people. I know that because I expect people to fail me or hurt me, I’m always looking out for it so don’t enjoy life or people for who and what they are, I analyse every single thing that happens to try and find justification as to why people do what they do as I don’t understand.
It’s like a coping mechanism but instead of protecting and shielding me it is actually what is hurting and damaging me further. The sad thing is I know all of this... But yet it’s so hard wired into my head that as soon as I sense any form of abandonment or any form of change this horrible and destructive “defence system” just comes out and shows it’s ugly self and afterwards all I feel is shame, anger, self pity and worthlessness. I am desperate to think normally, I’d love it more than anything in the world. I don’t feel strong, I feel like a nervous wreck most of the time. I expect history to repeat itself, replay it in my head and go in search of it to justify the need for my defensiveness and pattern of thinking. I am damaging myself further... I want to change I am more than aware of all of these things! I need constant validation, and constant reassurance that’s why when a partner does not constantly need those things and can happily be in their own company not needing constant affection like I do instead of knowing it’s because they’re not like me and telling myself that it doesn’t mean they don’t love me anymore I just assume it’s because they don’t feel as much love for me as I feel for them. It’s so unhealthy and it makes me feel so unhappy. I know it needs to change and I’ve been willing to change for so long and wanting to, it’s finding how I do it? What support do I need? What therapy do I need? What medication do I need if any?
Living like this is extremely lonely, painful and also terrifying, imagine living every day scared of people, waking up to see no beauty in the world bur seeing evil and danger instead. Being more aware of your surroundings than you need to be, the constant worry. It’s horrid and I swear to god wouldn’t wish it on anyone, words and actions of people cause what feel like huge injuries to me inside. I am so easy to break and fracture. It’s like having brittle bones but with my emotions. What makes it worse is being so high functioning and knowing that I don’t work correctly. But that doesn’t change how I view the world it just means I know that sadly I don’t get to see it for all the wonders it has all the beauty in it and people in it. I don’t get to trust like I so desperately want to. I just hope you’ll support me in trying to fix it or at least make it better. I don’t want to be this way and my real self hides under this shield when really it isn’t shielding me from anything instead it stops me from living xx
I know that I see the world as an evil dark place and I struggle to understand why everyone else doesn’t think like me, why people don’t conform to my unrealistic expectations of the world and people. I know that because I expect people to fail me or hurt me, I’m always looking out for it so don’t enjoy life or people for who and what they are, I analyse every single thing that happens to try and find justification as to why people do what they do as I don’t understand.
It’s like a coping mechanism but instead of protecting and shielding me it is actually what is hurting and damaging me further. The sad thing is I know all of this... But yet it’s so hard wired into my head that as soon as I sense any form of abandonment or any form of change this horrible and destructive “defence system” just comes out and shows it’s ugly self and afterwards all I feel is shame, anger, self pity and worthlessness. I am desperate to think normally, I’d love it more than anything in the world. I don’t feel strong, I feel like a nervous wreck most of the time. I expect history to repeat itself, replay it in my head and go in search of it to justify the need for my defensiveness and pattern of thinking. I am damaging myself further... I want to change I am more than aware of all of these things! I need constant validation, and constant reassurance that’s why when a partner does not constantly need those things and can happily be in their own company not needing constant affection like I do instead of knowing it’s because they’re not like me and telling myself that it doesn’t mean they don’t love me anymore I just assume it’s because they don’t feel as much love for me as I feel for them. It’s so unhealthy and it makes me feel so unhappy. I know it needs to change and I’ve been willing to change for so long and wanting to, it’s finding how I do it? What support do I need? What therapy do I need? What medication do I need if any?
Living like this is extremely lonely, painful and also terrifying, imagine living every day scared of people, waking up to see no beauty in the world bur seeing evil and danger instead. Being more aware of your surroundings than you need to be, the constant worry. It’s horrid and I swear to god wouldn’t wish it on anyone, words and actions of people cause what feel like huge injuries to me inside. I am so easy to break and fracture. It’s like having brittle bones but with my emotions. What makes it worse is being so high functioning and knowing that I don’t work correctly. But that doesn’t change how I view the world it just means I know that sadly I don’t get to see it for all the wonders it has all the beauty in it and people in it. I don’t get to trust like I so desperately want to. I just hope you’ll support me in trying to fix it or at least make it better. I don’t want to be this way and my real self hides under this shield when really it isn’t shielding me from anything instead it stops me from living xx
