What BPD feels like to me.

MissAylo

MissAylo

Member
Joined
Feb 21, 2015
Messages
5
Location
Somerset
#1
My partner struggles to understand my disorder and up until recently I thought I was doing pretty well, ans always I relapse and have another episode, to which I can’t explain why or how it was triggered. I struggle speaking about it openly face sometimes and felt the need to just write it down and try to make sense of it all and I have a limited number of people I can tell or talk to...I sent the below description which is the only way I could try to explain where I’m at right now... how does everyone else explain how they feel, how they see the world? What they expect? And self awareness, how aware is everyone else of their symptoms?

I know that I see the world as an evil dark place and I struggle to understand why everyone else doesn’t think like me, why people don’t conform to my unrealistic expectations of the world and people. I know that because I expect people to fail me or hurt me, I’m always looking out for it so don’t enjoy life or people for who and what they are, I analyse every single thing that happens to try and find justification as to why people do what they do as I don’t understand.

It’s like a coping mechanism but instead of protecting and shielding me it is actually what is hurting and damaging me further. The sad thing is I know all of this... But yet it’s so hard wired into my head that as soon as I sense any form of abandonment or any form of change this horrible and destructive “defence system” just comes out and shows it’s ugly self and afterwards all I feel is shame, anger, self pity and worthlessness. I am desperate to think normally, I’d love it more than anything in the world. I don’t feel strong, I feel like a nervous wreck most of the time. I expect history to repeat itself, replay it in my head and go in search of it to justify the need for my defensiveness and pattern of thinking. I am damaging myself further... I want to change I am more than aware of all of these things! I need constant validation, and constant reassurance that’s why when a partner does not constantly need those things and can happily be in their own company not needing constant affection like I do instead of knowing it’s because they’re not like me and telling myself that it doesn’t mean they don’t love me anymore I just assume it’s because they don’t feel as much love for me as I feel for them. It’s so unhealthy and it makes me feel so unhappy. I know it needs to change and I’ve been willing to change for so long and wanting to, it’s finding how I do it? What support do I need? What therapy do I need? What medication do I need if any?

Living like this is extremely lonely, painful and also terrifying, imagine living every day scared of people, waking up to see no beauty in the world bur seeing evil and danger instead. Being more aware of your surroundings than you need to be, the constant worry. It’s horrid and I swear to god wouldn’t wish it on anyone, words and actions of people cause what feel like huge injuries to me inside. I am so easy to break and fracture. It’s like having brittle bones but with my emotions. What makes it worse is being so high functioning and knowing that I don’t work correctly. But that doesn’t change how I view the world it just means I know that sadly I don’t get to see it for all the wonders it has all the beauty in it and people in it. I don’t get to trust like I so desperately want to. I just hope you’ll support me in trying to fix it or at least make it better. I don’t want to be this way and my real self hides under this shield when really it isn’t shielding me from anything instead it stops me from living xx
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
272
Location
Florida
#2
Wow I bet you feel a release getting this all out. Good for you. Identifying is the best way to look at yourself and others-never compare-you will fall in to the abyss or rabbit hole.

I tell myself all the time not everyone can drive a Jaquar. Oh how would love to have a Jaguar. Ain't gona happen if I am looking the opposite direction.

Just say to yourself when you get in these moods-this is not me, because I love me to much to worry about others right now.

Right now I have to look inside and care about who I am and what I would like for my life. I know that this may be contradictory But opposites attract and you will center your attractions on you for awhile.

You can not keep hanging on to a deflated self-you will drown. Step up for a few months years and just make things happen to love yourself more than others. Then others will be attracted to you as they are not so sure of themselves, as you pointed out. Love ya Jules5
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
50
#3
Hi
Wow, I could have written so much of your post. Especially about the shield being so harmful.
Do you have any professional support?
I hope you find support and freedom to say whatever helps, in this forum. I don't post much but I do find some solace in the posts.
Let us know what your partner says? Good luck with everything
x
 
J

Jules5

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Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
272
Location
Florida
#4
I feel like what I told Miss Alyo is what I should be telling myself. I felt and feel like her most times than not.
 
MissAylo

MissAylo

Member
Joined
Feb 21, 2015
Messages
5
Location
Somerset
#5
Thank you both! I have never really posted I just thought I’d give this a go and maybe meet others and share coping strategies and to be honest sometimes it’s just nice to know you’re not alone ! My partner says he reads everything and he loves me no matter what! It can be difficult for me to also accept love as well as many other things! I also struggle to recognise and differentiate between someone loving me and leaving me. I just always assume the worst xx
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Plymouth
#6
You know consciously that it isn't right, so their must be something in your subconscious that's causing this: I didn't make this video so not advertising

 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Jan 23, 2019
Messages
128
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Plymouth
#7
It's all about learning ways to reprogram your subconscious into accepting that it's not protecting/shielding you at all.
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
128
Location
Plymouth
#9
It may seem difficult but it can be done, one thing I found very helpful was very long walks & intense positive thinking, your subconscious has somehow learnt that the world isn't a nice place to be, you can reprogram it to unlearn that, I'm fortunate as I live near the coast, especially in 2006 I went for walks for 6 hours on end, to the beach, countryside places, the world can be a great place to be.
 
MissAylo

MissAylo

Member
Joined
Feb 21, 2015
Messages
5
Location
Somerset
#10
I’d love to reprogramme and unlearn it. I believe I know why I feel like that.. since a very very young age, I was surrounded by deceit, men always walking out of my life, no father figure around. Infedelity, violence... and my feelings and what I was being put through due to a parents selfishness. There was no care about what it all was doing to me.... I learned to look after my siblings I wouldn’t let them see anything if I could help it, they are both alright, well seem to be but I have kind of taken the brunt of the damage... as I am also the eldest and have a vivid memory but I married lived a normal life apart from id get angry sometimes but nothing terrible, it was when I turned 22 and my best friend of 15 years died from cancer. I lost it. That was it. Everything changed. My Husband then left me weeks later so I think it’s due to this I now just believe nothing lasts, people leave either by choice or not. And the world is an awful place... it’s been since then I can’t change that mind set when I get upset. Love living and life most the time and I want to be happy. But I have an obsession with starting a family and being safe and I have to know that my partner will not leave me, my main paranoia is him cheating on me - as I am positive in my belief that eventually it will happen. He will do it, people get bored, people leave! And the thing is yes it’s irrational to a certain degree but when it’s all you’ve ever known for now nearly 30 years? How can I change that with no proof or evidence that people can be good to you and be honest? Sorry about the long reply xx