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What are your triggers when it comes to intimate relationship?

K

Kittylove

Well-known member
Joined
May 13, 2019
Messages
393
Location
Canada
Not being able to communicate
Not taking responsibility for their actions
Not showing any effort
Lying
 
F

Faye80

Member
Joined
Jun 20, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Amsterdam
I’m struggling with a fairly new relationship at the moment, having last been in an abusive relationship so finding it especially hard. I need to talk about those triggers without being made to feel like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. Effort is a big thing for me too, I put in full effort with people and as soon as I feel like they’re not putting in exactly the same amount, I just completely shut down. It’s hard to know if you’re being irrational sometimes or if you’re just seeing it for what it is
I am in a similar situation. My relationship is fairly new as well. About six months with maaaany ups and downs. My last one was also someone who was abusive. The one right now is not abusive. And in my head I have my fears, and past things carrying with me. I have been making mountains out of a molehill. But sometimes I haven’t. you are right about things needed to be in balance and putting in the same effort. I don’t think it is strange if you feel that it is out of balance. That is something that can make me feel stressed too much in the head. Especially if haven’t voice my feelings. If I don’t it feels very lonely in way battling a fight by myself. Whilst the other person does not feel anything. I tend to not voice as I still experience some fears as coming across as too much drama queen like. I don’t want to appear like that. But the thing is that these are valid emotions and I have baggage like most people with borderline disorder. It can be confusion whether to if it is my gut speaking or it is a plain trigger. Gosh it can be so tiring, especially in intimate relationships. Sometimes I just want to walk away and just be single as I would not have to deal with my own emotions that feel like a war. But then again I would walk away not allowing myself to having a loving relationship I deserve as much as anyone else.
 
F

Faye80

Member
Joined
Jun 20, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Amsterdam
Yes. I think she likes the energy but no the unpredictably anger by random things (I don't want to harm nobody, I'm struggling so hard for that) or when I fall in deepness or when and change my opinions in 1 sec.

I understand Wraziel. Some of us can get irritated fast. I experience the same but now to a lesser degree but my God sometimes still and I have to really distract myself for like a week! My weakness is that I don't ask questions as to why someone stated something. Maybe they tell me that I am stubborn. I could ask them why and what it feels to them. Maybe I just feel attacked and turn into this annoyance by the person and need to calm down. Because sometimes we forget that not all people want to intentionally hurt us. But it might be that our brain is tricking us. And we overreact?
 
C

Char3

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2020
Messages
23
Location
Essex
Being ignored
Not being told about his plans/him changing plans at the last minute
Being criticised
Taking the p out of me/laughing at me if I don’t do something right
Being shouted at
 
G

Geegirl124

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Royston
I am in a similar situation. My relationship is fairly new as well. About six months with maaaany ups and downs. My last one was also someone who was abusive. The one right now is not abusive. And in my head I have my fears, and past things carrying with me. I have been making mountains out of a molehill. But sometimes I haven’t. you are right about things needed to be in balance and putting in the same effort. I don’t think it is strange if you feel that it is out of balance. That is something that can make me feel stressed too much in the head. Especially if haven’t voice my feelings. If I don’t it feels very lonely in way battling a fight by myself. Whilst the other person does not feel anything. I tend to not voice as I still experience some fears as coming across as too much drama queen like. I don’t want to appear like that. But the thing is that these are valid emotions and I have baggage like most people with borderline disorder. It can be confusion whether to if it is my gut speaking or it is a plain trigger. Gosh it can be so tiring, especially in intimate relationships. Sometimes I just want to walk away and just be single as I would not have to deal with my own emotions that feel like a war. But then again I would walk away not allowing myself to having a loving relationship I deserve as much as anyone else.
I could have written that, I feel EXACTLY the same. Have wrangled with all of those emotions today and told him to leave me alone for the rest of the day because my emotions are just going round and round. It’s a constant battle in my head of whether it’s a gut instinct, me being dramatic, me overthinking...I literally question every thought or emotion I have about it, it’s exhausting. That just puts me in a cycle of I don’t deserve him, how does he put up with this etc etc. I think he’s a good guy but with the BPD and previous relationship baggage, I feel like a complete wreck. The only way I deal with it is to have a day or two of spiralling, then decide to bottle it all up, push it down for two weeks and start the process again. If you have any tips for dealing with it, I’d pay good money to hear them!
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2019
Messages
190
Location
West London
Rejection, rejection, and rejection. Which means I don't have intimate relationships, as I'm male and so expected to be the one who risks initial rejection. I know there are women out there who are prepared to make the first move, but clearly I don't appeal to any that I've encountered.

8. He does not want kids. Although I am getting more fine with this.
I can see how this would be disappointing if you want children yourself, but I'm curious as to why it's triggering.

3. Not texting back right away... especially when you know the phone is attached to their hip.
Absolutely! I can get a bit upset when friends take days to reply (even though - extremely hypocritically, I know - it can take me much longer than is polite to respond to others), but with someone I *like* I can be climbing the walls if I haven't heard back from them within hours.

I hate admitting this, but the last time I was really into someone I reached a point where I'd often end up just lying in bed fretting until she replied to me, or if I just hadn't heard from her for a while and didn't want to be the one to start a new conversation. I'd waste hours - days, sometimes - like that.

I'm so glad I no longer go through that - as much as anything else, I no longer have the energy for that kind of nonsense now I'm into early middle age - and the thought of ever doing so again helps me to be careful about risking falling for anyone. Another poster mentioned being as deserving of a close relationship as anyone else... I get it, I do, but what people like us have to go through in order to get - and keep - love is so, so much, and we don't deserve that. I think I've reached a point whereby the guaranteed relative peace of avoidance has come to outweigh the possibility of the next person being a 'right' person. Plus I've lost the capacity for the kind of silly games bullshit that comes with trying to 'date'.

Being shouted at
Same here... it takes me straight back to my childhood and my mum yelling at me. I either crumble emotionally or shout back louder, neither of which are healthy responses.
 
W

Whitelight16

Member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
New England
Rejection, rejection, and rejection. Which means I don't have intimate relationships, as I'm male and so expected to be the one who risks initial rejection. I know there are women out there who are prepared to make the first move, but clearly I don't appeal to any that I've encountered.


I can see how this would be disappointing if you want children yourself, but I'm curious as to why it's triggering.


Absolutely! I can get a bit upset when friends take days to reply (even though - extremely hypocritically, I know - it can take me much longer than is polite to respond to others), but with someone I *like* I can be climbing the walls if I haven't heard back from them within hours.

I hate admitting this, but the last time I was really into someone I reached a point where I'd often end up just lying in bed fretting until she replied to me, or if I just hadn't heard from her for a while and didn't want to be the one to start a new conversation. I'd waste hours - days, sometimes - like that.

I'm so glad I no longer go through that - as much as anything else, I no longer have the energy for that kind of nonsense now I'm into early middle age - and the thought of ever doing so again helps me to be careful about risking falling for anyone. Another poster mentioned being as deserving of a close relationship as anyone else... I get it, I do, but what people like us have to go through in order to get - and keep - love is so, so much, and we don't deserve that. I think I've reached a point whereby the guaranteed relative peace of avoidance has come to outweigh the possibility of the next person being a 'right' person. Plus I've lost the capacity for the kind of silly games bullshit that comes with trying to 'date'.


Same here... it takes me straight back to my childhood and my mum yelling at me. I either crumble emotionally or shout back louder, neither of which are healthy responses.
Can totally relate. When someone starts screaming I can feel all rational thought leaving me.

I am left with either adrenaline fueled fear/rage or I feel like curling into a ball and putting my hands over my ears.

In the past, for me as well, screaming meant that things were going to get really ugly. Fast.
 
L

Lavender_Rose

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 12, 2020
Messages
196
Location
United States
I dont get into any intimate relationships, fear of rejection is a big thing. But anyone i have been friends with who may developers feeling for me I always seems to get angry with. I think it because they like the "me" I project the the world and not the me I really am inside. So it probably a self hatred thing that triggers inside me. I push them away and cut ties because it not something I want to confront.
 
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OutsideTheLines

Member
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Illinois
With my husband for 6 years, married for almost 2

  • Fear of being controlled
    • (this doesn't mean I AM being controlled -- but if I believe I am being controlled, I will lash out. He is very conscious of the fear and works very hard to make sure that I always have autonomy over everything so this is 9/10 times just a fear)
  • Fear of Abandonment
  • Fear of the future
    • Will I be able to rely on him
    • Will we figure our shit out
    • Will things always be this way
    • Basically any ruminations that happen
  • Whenever I perceive something as hypocritical
  • Not helping around the house or walking the dog
    • I'm really good at seeing what he doesn't do and really bad at seeing all the things he DOES do (and he does a lot)
  • When he won't engage in conversations when I'm angry/hurt
    • He does this when he knows they won't go well because I'm at a 5 or higher, or he's too high (on the emotional scale, not substance)
  • Feeling unloved/believing I'm unlovable
  • Feeling invisible
  • Believing I don't have a voice or not being listened to
  • Being interrupted

It's so frustrating. As I'm sitting here trying to type all of this out... everything that triggers me seems to have a REALLY rational explantation. Right? Like I know he won't abandon me. I know that when he won't engage in a fight, he's doing it because he knows it will escalate things to a really bad place. I know he's not being a hypocrite, that we are just too different people with different boundaries and that if I don't like something I need to tell him and express my needs.

So why is it SO EFFING HARD in the moment. Why does my brain function sometimes and not others.
 
O

OutsideTheLines

Member
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Illinois
I can see how this would be disappointing if you want children yourself, but I'm curious as to why it's triggering.
I can't speak for this person, but I can tell you why it's a trigger for me. I didn't put it in my own post, but it is one and has been the source of a lot of fear for me.

I'm getting older, faster. My husband and I married later in life. We're still within the later years of being able to have a child, but that window is fast closing. And when you've held onto that dream of having a family, and that dream is threatened, it is REALLY painful. The pain is bad enough when you sabotage it yourself, as I do in the sense that I won't allow myself to have a child until I can emotionally regulate and have my BPD under control; but when I perceive someone ELSE threatening my dream, and I see that control being taken away from me? Oh man. Because then it's not just the concept of having kids that is triggering, but the idea of someone controlling me and my future. Does that make some sense?
 
B

Bellaboo1

New member
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Britain
When they self diagnose themselves with the same mental illness as you, to the point where you cant even come out and tell them that you have BPD and Bipolar because you know that they're going to tell you that they do too because they like to one up you ALL the time. Meanwhile you're sat there like "no this diagnosis is official, I am medicated for it" I absolutely hate when people are coming out as having BPD left right and centre all over facebook without official diagnosis. I find it insulting and it almost silences me. I would absolutely love to get it off my chest and be open and honest about it like so many people are on social media but I'm so fearful it's going to start a fresh chain/phase of everyone else saying they have it too. I feel like it's a fashion statement (like braces and glasses were) it's not, it's real for me, it's real for us, and its insulting to me and you that so many people are self diagnosing and claiming to have it when it's a genuine every day struggle for us. Anyone else frustrated by this?
 
EverybodyHurts

EverybodyHurts

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 2, 2020
Messages
317
Location
Bucks
Feeling like I'm not being listened to or understood
Taking ages to text or saying they'll be over 'soon', then taking hours!
Being told I'm over-reacting (grrr)
Being told I'm over-sensitive
Walking off instead of working things through
Being ghosted
Lack of affection/intimacy.
Not telling me if they're going to be late, despite knowing that I will be worried sick!
Not communicating enough.

All of these things make me feel that I don't matter to/am not truly loved by them. Even when that's not actually the case.
And then I feel needy, which I hate. So end up trying to shut off my feelings and become numb, barely talking to them until I feel they are making an effort again and I can let my barrier down.
50 years old, 4 major break-ups (abandonments!) that floored me every time and took years to get over (still working through the last one). It's exhausting, and I'm not sure I have the energy for any more relationships!
 
UnstableSolace

UnstableSolace

New member
Joined
Jul 3, 2020
Messages
2
Location
United Kingdom
When they avoid/ignore me, intentionally or not. It could be as simple as them busy playing a game
When they put someone else before me or being the third wheel, happens way too often. The same trigger happens with my sister looking after my other sister instead of me
Forgetting promises. My dad does it all of the time and blames my complaint about it on another one of my illnesses, invalidating this one
Not understanding how I cope even when I already told them many times before
Hiding important things from me even when I never hide things from them
When they say something that triggers my trauma or tries to tease me
Asking me to kiss (I've never liked kissing) or other forms of physical touch I do not consent to, just no go away
Them saying something heavily biased or hypocritical, and never admit they're wrong
Making me out to be a bad person when they won't even look at themselves
Pretending that they don't know when I am crying
Being interrupted when I try to speak

I have discouraged/quiet BPD, so I don't make a big deal about this externally and only to close people. Online the switch is more aggressive to close ones. I've been in who knows how many relationships at this point lol because I know being friends with them would mean they'd always ghost me.
I'm in a relationship rn with a guy who will never leave me so I leave him sometimes and try to get affection elsewhere every now and then and feel shit and tell him that I was being intimate with someone else behind his back because I'm THAT honest, so uhh yeah, great. Being with someone who will not leave me during my devaluation will never give me time to heal. Trust me, it's a bad thing. I wish I could just move on because the triggers severely stress the hell out of me, but he's at least better than my father.
 
O

OutsideTheLines

Member
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Illinois
Anyone else frustrated by this?
Hey!

I don't know if I am personally frustrated by it, but I can understand being frustrated by it. I mean. They aren't seeing you! Right? They are invalidating your experience. They are saying "OH! You aren't actually sick, I have this thing too, and I don't need this support and meds and maybe you're just making a bigger deal than you should." Or there not ACTUALLY saying that, but I can get where that's how it feels. They may even just be saying "OH! I feel these things too, I want to empathize with you, maybe you can show me how to feel better when I feel sadness" and it's so hard not to think: You have NO IDEA how difficult and miserable my existence is, how hard I have to work every day to present, how I sit behind my desk doing progressive muscle relaxation to TIPP myself away from a public freakout, and you have NEVER HAD TO LEARN THAT because you are actually able to regulate your emotions.

I have friends who have said "Maybe I have this!" when I explain my diagnosis to them, and it's usually in a conversation about us going to our respective therapists, but I think it's because everyone, to some level, has BPD traits; we just have them to such a significant level that they become debilitating and can impact our ability to function in day-to-day life.

I also struggled to get an accurate diagnosis for years, so I wonder if some people actually may have BPD, and hearing your story may be what they need to get help.

I'm sure you are mostly referring to people you KNOW do not have BPD. Right? There is a definite difference between people who have strong emotions and don't like getting rejected and who can be impulsive (just to name a FEW), and then there are people with the actual diagnosis, who... say like me last night... My husband stole three pieces of steak while I was making us dinner (according to him, to me it was half the meal). In my attempt to tell him I didn't like what he was doing, I had a full episode, hysterically crying, couldn't articulate my feelings or why I was upset, just kept repeating that he ate all the steak, which eventually devolved into me threatening self harm and suicidal ideations, and sobbing in my bed about how much I hated myself and how I ruin everything. I still believe that I do. Over wanted a few pieces of steak. And the irony is, I wanted to make him a meal to give him a night off so he could enjoy himself. So if he was enjoying himself stealing bits of steak, then wasn't I accomplishing my goal? Simply because it didn't go the way I envisioned it, I fell apart. Welcome to that BPD life, yo.

I don't think people who don't LIVE that, understand that, which is why I don't necessarily feel frustrated by other's when they try to connect to my diagnosis, but I do try to educate them. If anything, I worry that when they say "omg yea, I totally get that, I might have that," that they don't understand the severity of which an episode can be, and that they'll pass it off as "omg, drama, much."

I've become very, very open about the intensity of my episodes with friends. I show them my arms and explain what led to the different marks, and how a simple misunderstanding can lead me to an emotion that can grow so strong that I rationally black out. I try to explain how if I don't work on mindfulness techniques every day, I can't regulate. I don't work on mindfulness everyday. I have not been regulated for several months. It's been bad. I try to explain that I HAVE to be on medication to regulate my moods, and that I'm on really high doses, and that I had to choose between risking kidney function, or wanting to kill myself every other day (at least now its monthly). I do always make sure to validate them, and say, yea, totally, everyone definitely has traits that are common to BPD, what I experience is a little different.

The thing is, this isn't triggering for me, and because in my line of work, I educate the misinformed everyday, so it's almost ingrained in me? I wonder if its triggering because they are absolutely invalidating you and not seeing you, and rather than be curious about your experience and learning more, they are bringing it back to them and making your experience their experience. And no matter what the reason, that sucks.
 
C

Char3

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2020
Messages
23
Location
Essex
With my husband for 6 years, married for almost 2

  • Fear of being controlled
    • (this doesn't mean I AM being controlled -- but if I believe I am being controlled, I will lash out. He is very conscious of the fear and works very hard to make sure that I always have autonomy over everything so this is 9/10 times just a fear)
  • Fear of Abandonment
  • Fear of the future
    • Will I be able to rely on him
    • Will we figure our shit out
    • Will things always be this way
    • Basically any ruminations that happen
  • Whenever I perceive something as hypocritical
  • Not helping around the house or walking the dog
    • I'm really good at seeing what he doesn't do and really bad at seeing all the things he DOES do (and he does a lot)
  • When he won't engage in conversations when I'm angry/hurt
    • He does this when he knows they won't go well because I'm at a 5 or higher, or he's too high (on the emotional scale, not substance)
  • Feeling unloved/believing I'm unlovable
  • Feeling invisible
  • Believing I don't have a voice or not being listened to
  • Being interrupted

It's so frustrating. As I'm sitting here trying to type all of this out... everything that triggers me seems to have a REALLY rational explantation. Right? Like I know he won't abandon me. I know that when he won't engage in a fight, he's doing it because he knows it will escalate things to a really bad place. I know he's not being a hypocrite, that we are just too different people with different boundaries and that if I don't like something I need to tell him and express my needs.

So why is it SO EFFING HARD in the moment. Why does my brain function sometimes and not others.
I can relate to all of this!! And it’s crazy how clear I can see things when emotions aren’t running high but when I’m in those moments things are soooo different!
 
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