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What am I supposed to do in this situation?



Feb 27, 2020
Hi, good folks of MHF.net

I hope that everyone on here is doing really good tonight(although it might be morning where you are). I have a bit of a dilemma and I need your advice. This is going to be a bit of a long read, so grab a cup of arizona tea or faygo.

I have a cousin that is 10 years older than me and we will call him "dum-dum". I have been angry at "Dum-Dum" for the better part of 17 years. I have not physically seen "Dum-Dum" in 12 years and I have a shouting match with him on facebook every few years.

Me and "Dum-Dum" had a falling out because of our grandmother's passing. My grandmother was a victim of essentially what was elder abuse. My grandmother was in assisted living for over 25 years because of alcoholism and the newer owners of the home abused her in every way imaginable, including financially. The owners of the home stole my grandmother's ssi check.

My cousin knew that our grandmother was being abused and never once said anything. My cousin was actually smoking and drinking with the people who were abusing our grandmother. Me and my mom didn't find out how sick that my grandmother actually was...until literally the last day of her life. My cousin didn't even tell my mom that her mother was in the hospital, we found out from someone that wasn't even remotely related to us.

On the night that my grandma did pass away, nobody could find my cousin. When someone was able to find my cousin and tell him that grandma passed, he didn't even really shed a tear. Me and my mom missed my grandma's funeral because we heard that my cousin was going to help the owners of the assisted living home beat me and my mom up for basically wanting to have a say in the funeral plans.

I have been mad at my cousin for years because I felt like he could have done more. I have always believed that if my cousin had just said something earlier, maybe there could have been a different outcome. I loved my grandma and I still love my grandma and I believe that my cousin's incompetence is what killed her.

For several years after my grandma died, I would just spew my anger at my cousin. If I was around my cousin, I would call him every name in the book. My cousin was a dumbass and I constantly reminded him of that. My cousin just kept doing really dumb shit and he was literally the personification of a dumbass. Here is how my cousin proved that he was 100 percent USDA cut dumbass:

My cousin has been on the Maury show, but suprisingly the kid wasn't his. My cousin went on that damn show and acted like a total idiot. My cousin married a crackhead that he had only known for 2 weeks. My cousin smokes pot all day everyday just to function.

See...pure dumbassery.

There was actually a point in time where I tried to bury the hatch with my cousin. Around 2009, my cousin and the crackhead and her daughter became homeless. The crackhead was pregnant with twins during that period. My cousin comes over to the house and asks my mom if him and his family could stay with us until they got on their feet. My mom knew that my cousin was messy to the 15th power and that he was a pothead and she didn't want drugs anywhere near her house.

I begged and pleaded with my mom to let my cousin and his family live with us. I wasn't thinking of my cousin per se, I was thinking of the babies. I didn't want the babies to be born in a shelter. My mom explained to me all the reasons why my cousin couldn't live with us and well he didn't live with us. I was 16 and it wasn't my house and I couldn't overpower her, okay.

My cousin not living with us set off a crazy course of events. My cousin and his wife put down our address when it was time for the babies to come home. A CPS case was opened and it caused my cousin to move to Ohio. If my cousin did have contact with my mother, he usually screamed at her. It was just a big mess all around.

My cousin didn't even come back to town when my mom passed away and he's claiming that he never got the facebook message that informed of her illness. I literally sent him that message 48 hours after my mom was originally admitted to the hospital. Me and my cousin have had a very strained relationship for nearly 2 decades.

This past week, I contacted my cousin on facebook. I keep trying to heal the rift that we have and I am not doing it for myself, I am doing it because I think that is what my mom and my grandma's spirits would want. On a spiritual level, I feel like my mom and my grandma are mad AF at me for letting things go as far as they have. Yes, I know that sounds crazy.

Anyway, I sent a message to my cousin on facebook a few days ago and he responded and we got into our usual tit for tat and surprisingly it led to him calling me. When my cousin called me, it was a pure disaster. First of all, the call was in a crowded grocery store. Secondly, my cousin was completely high on weed during the call. Third, I had to hang up on my cousin maybe about 16 times that first time around because it was too sudden and too soon.

I was literally trying to have a phone conversation with my cousin and every other sentence was a THC joke. Like for example, I was trying to tell my cousin to get his TSH levels checked because of hypothyroidism and he said that his THC levels were fine and started laughing.

My mom had thyroid cancer. My mom suffered from hypothyroidism. I tell everyone to get their TSH levels checked, so that they don't have to deal with what I have experienced. I will never play about thyroid cancer or hypothyroidism.

I was trying to get some sense into my cousin and we just ended up arguing and he actually told me to go smoke a blunt. I have ASTHMA...i can't even touch weed. Da Fuq!

I refuse to talk to my cousin while he is high on that shit, because he is not coherent. My cousin has been trying to google duo me and call me all day and I just won't answer him. I really feel like I opened up a can of worms when I decided to reach out to him.

I am so confused as to how I feel about my cousin. I don't know if I love him anymore much less like him. I thought that I was ready to forgive my cousin for his part in my grandma's passing but when we do the tit for tit, all of that pain and anger just presents itself.

I want my cousin to be the person again that I grew up with. The smart kid with the 5,000 girlfriends who was kind of dorky and who loved video games and who made me hamburgers and who was someone that I looked up to. I loved that guy...that was my cousin.

I don't want to deal with the 38 year old mess that my cousin turned into, who feels like smoking weed all day is the hip and trendy thing to do.

I am not sure if I want to forgive my cousin for his part in our grandma's passing or if I even have the emotional capacity to do such a thing. When I reached out to my cousin on facebook, I really thought that I was ready to forgive him and now I don't know.

I just wish that doc brown was real and that the delorean was real and that I could get that time machine and go back to life before we lost grandma. One thing about my people is that when we lose a matriarch, the whole family falls apart sometimes. I know that this rift is not what my grandma would want but I can't deal with my cousin in his current state.

I am clearly not emotionally mature enough to deal with my cousin after all that has happened and that's really sad to say at the ripe old age of 28.

What do all of you lovely people out there think that I should do? Should I try to rebuild my relationship with my cousin or just let it go? Should I just block his number and delete my facebook? Am I still entitled to feel as angry as I do about my grandma's passing after all these years?

Any advice is needed....because I really don't know what to do next.


Feb 27, 2020
I hope that you are right. I just have no idea what to do in this situation.


Well-known member
Jan 4, 2021
Southern USA
So, welcome here first of all!

There was elder abuse of your grandma (for 25 years) but only your cousin, knew and allowed it?
That's illegal.

It's normal to have to use the SSI check for room and board however.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's still so fresh.

My first though is, esp if he let the grandmother be hurt, is to definitely let him go.
Then you can work on things and yourself.
Being angry like that and for so long is horrible.
You may find you are angry for a whole different reason but you have to stop
or that stress will kill you. ✌

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