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What am I doing that is so wrong? Why can't I keep people in my life?

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pridepixie

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2014
Messages
7
I don't understand why friends and lovers always leave. I am a good woman. I am loyal, funny, intelligent, caring, and great to talk to but no one wants me around very long. I got tired of always feeling so hurt all the time. "Friends" were using me for money and rides and boyfriends were bailing out on me without giving me a reason. So I spent the last 2 years in my house like a hermit. I only went to get groceries and to go to dinner with my mom and kids. I didn't see a friend for 2 years. No one called, texted, emailed, or bothered to visit. It showed me that no one cares about me. Even someone I considered my best friend for 17 years vanished from my site. I have no idea what I did to make her go away, we have never been mad at each other.

I have been proposed to 3 times in the past 8 years because they tell me I am wonderful and they want to spend their lives with me. Next thing I know they stop responding to me and I find out later they are seeing someone else. Friends are the same. They will lie to me and say they have to work but when I stop by to visit they are off for the day.

For the past 2 years I have been crushing hard on a guy at the grocery store. He is way out of my league but my heart races every time I see him. I was walking out a few weeks ago and out of the blue he approached me, introduced himself, gave me his number and asked me out. I can't even explain my emotions at that moment. NO ONE, I mean NO ONE that I have ever been really interested in has been interested in me in return. This was a first. I am a chubby geek girl and this extremely hot guy was asking me out?! I hadn't been "out" in 2 years. I wasn't planning on ever going anywhere again, but this was a chance of a lifetime. We started hanging out and hit it off quick. We have so much in common. We understand each other. We have very similar beliefs. I can be myself with him, I don't have to hide anything and he is real with me. He introduced me to his brother, mom, uncle and a bunch of his friends. We went out for Valentine's Day just 5 days ago and had an amazing night. It was the best time I have had in several years and I was so overjoyed to be able to spend that night with him.

Now he won't talk to me. He won't answer his phone or reply to texts. I went to his house to see if something was wrong and he didn't even want to talk in person. When I manged to get him to come outside to speak privately he gave me the whole, "it's not you, it's me" routine. I told him it was important to me to know what I am doing wrong so that I don't make this same mistake in the future. He said I am a good person with a great personality but he doesn't want to be with me.

I have one friend that recently contacted me. We hung out for a few hours the day after my first visit with "the guy." (They both have the same name, though one is man and one is woman, so I'm going with "the guy" to distinguish between them.) It was so great to see her and be out again. She introduced me to her new husband and took me to their new house. We went to a few places together and I thought we all had a good time. Strangely enough I haven't seen her since. She texts me sometimes but when I invite her over she always has something else to do. She too tells me I am a great friend, a wonderful person, and that I have a good heart. So why the heck doesn't she want to be around me either?!

I can't keep anyone in my life. My mom has been saying for 15+ years that no one will ever love me and I will always be alone. She also tells me I am nothing but a worthless piece of Shhh. I have very low self esteem. My father left when I was a baby and my mother has never loved me because I am the spitting image of my dad. I have always been "different." I wear a lot of black, I like creepy things, am a gamer, and a lover of fantasy and scifi. Yeah I know those things right there make people run away but I can't help what I like. I usually make friends and relationships because people tell me they love that I am so different from everyone else. Lovers say I love them better than anyone ever has. They say I am loyal. But they leave. They end up finding someone younger, thinner, or prettier. Although in the beginning they tell me I am beautiful, age doesn't matter (I am 34), and my weight isn't an issue. Then why do they leave? I make it a habit to ask in the end because I don't want to be alone. I want to know what I am doing so I can stop. It always comes down to, "it's not you." I know not every person I befriend or have a relationship with is completely screwed up, so it HAS TO be me.

I am bipolar and I know sometimes I am bouncing off the walls and excited and other times I am just quiet and in deep thought. Either way someone gets offended by my behavior. My mother is determined I am on coke or heroin or something because I have such highs and lows. The only things I am on is Lamictal and Lexapro. I have been loads better since I got off Abilify and switched to Lamictal. My moods have been so much better, I am happy most days. But still, no one wants anything to do with me!

I literally have no one to talk to. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've been crying for 2 days. Can anyone please help?
 
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kickmewhileimdown

Former member
i ask myself the same question so understand where u coming from
 
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pridepixie

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2014
Messages
7
I wish I understood what I was doing to make people go away. I literally have ONE friend and would have to use a plane to get to her. I look forward to the few times a month when she texts just so I have someone to talk to. I have no job because my car broke down. I sit home alone for 8 1/2 hours a day and the only people I get to talk to at the end of the day are 6 and 8 years old. I have no way to get anywhere and live too far from anything to walk. My life seems to get worse everyday. As soon as I think things are going to turn around and I have a positive outlook, everything comes crashing down and I am back to having my head in hole in the ground. Sometimes I hurt so bad inside that I can't breathe. I can't stop crying long enough to catch my breath. I have tried to take my life a few times in the last 3 years. No amount of pills or cutting ever seem to hurt me at all. I stayed in a mental health facility (basically the nut house) for 5 days. That place was scary. The people there were a lot more screwed up than me. They made me feel normal. Most of them had husbands and wives and families that cared for them. They all had friends that would visit daily. I didn't have a single visitor. That was an all time low for me, when I realized I didn't matter to anyone.
 
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kickmewhileimdown

Former member
sounds like you been through alot and despite that your still fighting you do matter believe me when your crashing down it hard to see anything good and believe i know about being in
 
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anonymous1

Former member
Hi, I can relate to some of what you've said, but one thing stood out.

You said "My mom has been saying for 15+ years that no one will ever love me and I will always be alone. She also tells me I am nothing but a worthless piece of Shhh. I have very low self esteem."

Someone saying that to you for so long - especially someone close - is like being brainwashed and I can't help thinking that you've probably assimilated those beliefs to some degree which could affect the way that you act with people. As you were growing up you adapted to your relationship with your mother because its a matter of survival.

I have been trying to change my core beliefs too and one psychologist told me that you can affect them by 'affirming' yourself whilst looking in the mirror and just spend some time every day doing it - for example, 'I am a person of worth and value' - I think its something that you keep working on repeatedly over a long period of time. It's based on Louise Hay's book 'You can heal your life' - but when I read the book I thought that some of it wasn't grounded enough for me, however, some people have really benefited from this approach. The person who recommended this to me said that she experienced significant changes in how people related to her which dramatically improved the quality of her life - ie people noticed her and valued her rather than ignoring her, once she had altered her own perception of and valued (validated) herself.

I tried it for a time and one issue I was struggling with was my body image, and after doing it for a time I found I took more care of my appearance which has continued to this day. However, I didn't persevere, so I think its something I might go back to because I need to work on other issues. Never say anything negative whilst doing mirror work and be a best friend to yourself.

Another thing I heard of was 'schema therapy' which might be effective in changing core beliefs, but I don't know much more about it.

Practically, can you go to something where you could be with people - preferably in person? For example 2-3 hours voluntary work a week, or a class of some kind? If it's difficult, how about online groups to begin with - face book has some. Everyone needs people contact.

There is the saying 'do not despise the day of small beginnings' - it may be that change will take a while and you're really yearning for a better relationship with someone for a while. I think when that happens then the old negative messages can crop up - but they're just old 'programming' - and if you keep persevering sometimes suddenly a window of opportunity can open up. I don't know if this helps, but this is where I'm at after searching for a long time.

Finally, there is a site online by Peter Gerlach called Break the Cycle - its an in depth self-improvement course on dealing with psychological wounds from childhood. He has a group face book page. It might be a help on working on issues and meeting other people who also want to address them. An introduction to the non-profit < Break the Cycle! > Web site.
 
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pridepixie

Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2014
Messages
7
Wow, thank you so much. When I use these kind of forums I don't usually get helpful information. I usually get thins like, "chin up, hang in there, things will get better." I know I have been brainwashed since I was a child. My mother is great at that, she uses that method on her sisters and my children. She repeats the negative things so much that they stick in the brain and when you think you can let go of it all, if she sees you succeeding, she beats you down again. The worst part is that I live with her. She sold my car so that I can't work or get anywhere. My only option is to sit home alone until my kids get home from school. I get to use her car for groceries and occasional doctor's visits. I hate my life. I have never experienced happiness because she won't let me. If I am blissful and having a good day, she will do everything in her power to destroy that. I don't understand why she treats me this way. I wish more than anything that I could get as far away from her as possible. Psychs have always told me I need to be far from her, that I won't heal or grow with her around. They are right. When I didn't live with her, when I lived 2 hours away and she couldn't constantly drive to me to pester me, those were the best years of my life. She forbid the father of children from being on her property and threatened him so he won't have anything to do with our kids. He has never even met our 6 old son because it's not worth dealing with my mom. No one will watch my kids because my mom won't allow it. She says no one is responsible enough or good enough to be alone with them. Yet if I am at the store and they are home, my mom is sleeping so they are essentially alone. I miss having friends. I miss being social and feeling like people gave a damn. I hate sitting here alone with no one to talk to. I have nothing to do except housework and video games. I have no bike to ride and live several miles away from everything. I have no job, so no money. This is exactly where my mother wants me, stuck in this hole where I can stay under her thumb and she can beat me down. I know it's wrong to say, but most days I wish she would fade away in her sleep. No one ever sees what I go through because she acts like "Mary Sunshine" in front of people. The few friends and exes that have witnessed her attacks over the years never come back because she scares them. My friendship and love isn't worth having to deal with her. It sucks because I am a good-hearted person. I am fun to be around. I am full of love for the right person. But no one ever gets to know because I am stuck here.
 
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anonymous1

Former member
I wish that I could help more - what strikes me straight away is that you really need to get out of this situation, and that you're dealing with emotional abuse - you need to get out for your sake, but also for your children's sake but I understand that you are vulnerable and would really need support to do that. I have the impression that you're from the USA but I don't know if that's right.

As a first step, perhaps it might help to look up about emotional abuse to find out a little bit more about whether you can relate and see if there are any organisations that have helplines in your area.

Do you not get any kind of benefit if you are not working or child-benefit money?
 
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anonymous1

Former member
After writing the above, I've been concerned that my post wasn't understanding enough of your desire to get away but also how much of an impact the relationship with your mum has had on you - and the fact that although the relationship has been unhealthy, you have a measure of security because you are living in her home. From my own experience when you have some security it can be really challenging to let go or get out of something, especially when you might be lacking in self-belief - and especially when you have children dependent on you.

I really hope that the course that I mentioned by Peter Gerlach will help. It may be that whilst you are by yourself during the day you can be free to pursue that or other support networks to work on yourself and through issues.

There is one more resource that I know of that might be a possible key to help and that is Narcissistic Mother?.
 
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