What’s wrong with me

A

Adrien

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Hello everyone. I want to start off by saying my name is Adrien. I am a 33 year old male and as far back as I can remember I have always had a depression problem. It use to be worse when I was younger but by that I just mean I didn’t really hide it well back then. In these last 5 years I’ve become better at hiding it and better at dealing with it most of the time. Recently I’ll be fine most of the time until I hit a trigger than it’s worse than ever. I’ll be fine until something goes wrong like a severe money problem or a relationship problem then my whole world comes crashing down. I start overthinking every little problem I have and feel like I don’t belong anywhere, nobody wants me, and everyone would be better off without me. I also start thinking about how ugly the world and people can be and I don’t want to be apart of it. I don’t want to deal with anything anymore and it would just be a relief to end it all. The thoughts of suicide get so bad to where I plan out how and where I would do it.

I never say anything to anyone about this because I found out earlier in life that people feel I just want attention and they think I’m saying these things to get my way or make them feel bad or something. So now I keep my thoughts and feeling locked up. My best friends or even my wife has no clue about what’s going on inside my head.

I’m against medication and don’t plan on ever trying any sort of antidepressant. I don’t want something to make me someone I’m not as well as affecting my health.

I’ve tried visiting a mental health dr but he just gave me some common sense advice and the whole situation was awkward for me.

I would like to know if anyone else specifically has this problem where they are fine until a trigger brings their whole life crashing down into a severe depression.
I do consider this to be a severe depression but am not sure if there is a specific type of depression it might be. Maybe for research purposes.
 
calypso

calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. It sounds like intrusive thoughts to me, but I don't know if that is right. I am not diminishing your depression underlying it though.

Have you ever heard of Mindfulness? Its not meditation but rather you live in the moment. One exercise you can do is to take something you like, eg chocolate, and first of all smell it, touch it, look closely at it and taste it, but don't eat it, let it melt on your tongue noticing every single thing about it. Now your thoughts will intrude and so you just notice that, and bring your mind back to the chocolate, and each time your mind wanders, don't block it, just bring your mind back to the experience you are having. Keep this up till its time to finish.

You have to do this several times a day and train your brain to do this in everyday life. Initially your brain will resist and make loads of thoughts appear. But gradually, you will find that your mind accepts this new way of thinking. Then when you get thoughts that ruminate around you do the same thing, you try something simple to do and do as above. Over a shortish period of time you will find that you can control these thoughts more and more. They don't necessarily go away, but lose their intensity.
 
sunset547544

sunset547544

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I would like to know if anyone else specifically has this problem where they are fine until a trigger brings their whole life crashing down into a severe depression.
I identify with a lot of what you said in your post, but especially this. Any kind of stress or bad news seems to send me off in an over-reaction/downward spin that takes me a stupid long time to recover from. Like a few months ago I lost a phone on the London underground or saying something I regret online. I am not on any medication either through fear of the side effects.

I am trying to stay connected with people at the moment because I know that helps a lot, in this forum for example and in forums related to my line of work. I am also going to some meetups this week related to my line of work which I am really looking forward to. When I am busy with work I feel much more normal, it really sucks a lot not working, all my energies are focused on finding more work worth investing my time in at the moment.
 
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