what’s wrong with me?

A

ajj7885

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Joined
Oct 30, 2018
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2
I’ve been struggling my whole life. I know I’m afflicted I just don’t know why or how to live with it. I used to be happy despite my affliction. I hear voices, they’re like whispers or sometimes yells. When I was younger, approximately the age of six, the voices would help me.

They would tell me when I should hide and when it was okay to come out from hiding. Nowadays, and I don’t know when exactly it changed, I think after 9/11, they put me down and make me paranoid. Amongst the paranoia I hurt myself. I have two scars that make me feel like a freak. Once when I was 16 the voices convinced me to injure myself. In the moment, I was detached from reality. I wasn’t seeing through my own eyes but they were open. In front of several of my coworkers i self harmed.

Again, two years later, I was on vacation with two of my friends and the voices convinced me to do it again. Right next to the first one. But this time I’d have to do it better because I screwed up the first time. I again i self harmed. Again in front of my friend who had witnessed it the first time. He looked at me and didn’t say anything. He was just confused. I was paranoid and all I heard was laughing and feeling judgement.

Between the first time and now I struggled with suicidal thought and even attempted to kill myself more than I can count. The voices say I should but I refuse to listen to them. I’m worried one day I will. I feel such a void inside and every time I look in the mirror I see a dirty ugly soul. I know I’m not a bad looking guy, I’m actually quite handsome but my soul is ugly.

I haven’t tried to kill myself in about two years after I fucked up. I was to die by overdose. I drank a bottle of liquid so I wouldn’t vomit the drugs I was going to take. I waited until the liquid took effect but instead it sent me into the creepiest psychedelic experience I’ve ever had. I’m still not sure if I died that day or am alive. I don’t feel real most of the time. My experiences have caused turret like symptoms. Sometimes I yell obscenities or yell that I’m not even a real person. Other times I just whisper. I talk to myself a lot. I’m drowning and I don’t know if I’ll ever be alright. I’ve been on drugs and antipsychotics but they didn’t help. I tried talking to a therapist but I was never honest about my affliction. I never told him anything.
 
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soulsearcher

soulsearcher

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Dec 19, 2016
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welcome to the forum :)
 
Slyway

Slyway

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Aug 12, 2019
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I hear you, I to hear overpowering voices that tell me to self-harm, overdose or hurt people, I found talking to a therapist pointless too as they have no concept of what you are going through, I find that connecting back with reality by using mindfulness helps a lot when I am disconnected from life. I don't really have a lot to say apart from you are not on your own, there are many like you, me for one.
 
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