• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

well what now

S

saffron

Guest
Not sure what to do now. I keep reading about people who are going through so much and are confused and need support, and we all have and I empathise with them, but then I hear that they are married and have support from family, friends or their partners, and that is just great, but what if you have no partner (full stop), or no family or friends that have time for you. what then, where do you seek help or support.
how do you find partners and friends that are wiling to listen and help? note i did not include family cos you cannot do anything about that, they either love you or they dont you cannot choose your family, you are just stuck with them.
S.
 
skitzware

skitzware

Active member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2008
Messages
26
Location
Waltham Abbey
Well to start off, this forum is a great place to start.

I haven't yet been able to count on any here that I would term as "friends" but hey! In a few months, who knows?

My "family" doesn't really understand my illness at all. (Least thats how I view it). Maybe its because I put too much into it, I don't know. But the family consists of my children (all teens/20s).
So I try via Assertive Outreach/CMHT/DayUnit to find more that understand me & my point of view on my illness.

I have 2 people that are service users on the estate where I live that I can sob to in time of need, 1 that I met thru a prolonged stay on section (heh). & the other thru that person. (luck would have it they both live on the same estate too).

But if all else fails maybe I can be your friend?
 
skitzware

skitzware

Active member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2008
Messages
26
Location
Waltham Abbey
Edit: Because damn forum wont let you edit within 10 mins which is hard to do when your quiffy on Baileys and meds on Xmas day.

Anyway, Happy Non-Denominational Gift & Food day to you... Esp, if like me your on your own.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Hi both saffron and skitware, I hope that you both soon make good friends on this forum because we really are a great community. I did have a bout five year period when I had no family in my life and a boyfriend that beat the shit out of me, I ended up in hospital and believe me I have meet some really lovely service users in my life the thing is 99% of the time you know that another su will understand whot you have been through. day centre are a good suport. I hope this helps JD
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,625
Saffron

This illness is so lonely
I hope you are o.k
:hug:
 
S

saffron

Guest
Thank you everyone for your kind words, skitzwre, I love baileys and drink it by the pint glass full, some of your ideas sound good I will see if there are any of the centres round here.
I do not tell my 'family' anything now, I used to and got either ppatronised or told that 'I dont feel like that at all' with a smart assed laugh and a look to say Im making it all up or just trying to get attention. so to them Im just fine and dandy,
thnks Jdoe you have been great and I am finding this site very good.
JD so sorry to hear about your last boyfriend and I hope you have been ablt to move on and hope he ends up a lonely old man.
Keepsafe, thank you , im not feeling too bad today, still lying on the couch where I fell asleep last night, lazy cow I am. suppose I will get my bum in gear at some point even if its just to walk the dogs.
hope everyone had a good xmas and hope that the new year will bring new things to all our lives.
take care everyone.
S
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,625
Boxing Day - have you boxed the dogs yet??!! I mean walked them...huh!
Keep smiling or try to - even if you think it's pointless - keeps the mad ones away from you LOL
x
 
G

GrizzlyBear

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Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Hey Saffron,

I'm alone too. It can feel terrible and I confess to feeling envy at those who have loving spouses and parents around. The lonely feelings make recovery so much more difficult.

I have been told that I have to stop being an island...so it is possible that I have somehow pushed away my friends (and partner). Relationships can be difficult for me.....I seem to be caught between two extremes of determined independence and neediness...neither helps me to establish and maintain relationships. I am working with my therapist to change this.

:grouphug:
 
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S

saffron

Guest
haha talk about boxing. I braved a visit to my old pub today, just to say hello, and am now going to do some private kick boxing lessons with a friend in the new year, he thinks it will help with focus and release, so watch this space.
things have not been too bad today, although after actually motivating myself to move off the settee at 2.30 ish I decided to go for a walk, then drove around for about an hour cos I suddenly realised I did not have anywhere to go, but happened to pass a pub I used to work at and saw it open, thought I would go in to see what would happen and it was actually ok which led to the above, so I have something to think about anyway.
hope you have all had a good day.
best wishes
s
 
S

saffron

Guest
hey grizzyly bear
know where you are coming from. its so confusing to knwo what to do. sometimes I think that I should be more assertive but thnk I must do this the wrong way cos it seems to push people away, and sometime I think I should act more vulnerable but then I feel weak and needy and think people will take advantage of me, which they do, or they run because they think I am too needy, do you ever watch people, especially in a relationship and think, how does that ever work? he doeas nothing but winge about her and visa versa.
I dont suppose working in a bar helps cos I hear all the sob stories, the men that do nothing but moan about the other half and how they hate having to go home, then they come on to me and I tell them to f off of course but then they wil go home and be happy, why moan about it? then what do they want me for, and why cant I find anyone who will want to come ohome from dinner, when all they do is moan and get their man to go home. I would hate for them to be talking aobut me like that in the pub,. SO, i do not moan or put demands on them or call them useless, and cannot have a relationship, which makes me think there is something that is happening behind closed doors, but what is it?
do you ever watch jeremy kyle and wonder why any of them manage to have a relationship, but do, why they behaave like they do and still have someone that says they love them and want to make it work, what are they doing right, because i never have had someone fight for me in any way, so what am not doing?
so confused
S
 
G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
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Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Hi Saffron,

I know....it is so tricky getting the balance right. This is the hardest thing in the world....but I am going to do what it takes to learn how to be somewhere in the middle instead of way out there in the lonely places. It feels awful to be in the vulnerable and needy place.

Regrading the bar sob stories.....I suppose the world is full of different types of people and maybe those who are most successful in their relationships are'nt at the pub whining and complaining.

I was in a relationship until recently....and I adored this person and he adored me...and yes, we both fought for eachother desperately hard....but nothing could ever be okay until I start to fight for myself. It is very hard because I do believe that, for me anyhow, being in a relationship is natural and without that I will always be compromised in some way.

Being confused is something you can do something about. I think a lot, write a lot and talk (a lot!)...and especially since starting therapy I have come to understand myself so much better. I'm not happy yet but I am less confused. I think I might eventually get well...assuming I can live through my current distress.

Oh, Saffron.....I did watch Jeremy Kyle the other day.....I find the show so depressing! Yes, I know it can be hard to see other people getting the love and commitment that we might want. I saw a man hug his partner today and I was so full of envy....this whole "why not me?" kind of thing. I just want what everyone deserves: to love and be loved....to support and be supported....to hug and be hugged. And to wake up feeling okay.

:grouphug:

P.s. I met lots of nice people in hospital but have no social support set up since discharge. Am getting assessed for a support worker who should be able to refer me to the support group for people with MI. Apart from that....what about hobbies? Playing sports and having fun with other people is a great way to bond. And I've made some nice friends online.
 
S

saffron

Guest
Hi grizzly
i know I should really be able to grow out of this now, but I spend way too long thinking about things and worrying about things,
thing is those whiners in the pub do have really good relationships because yo see a totally different side to them when they are inwith their partners, and of course they are totally different when they are with them, which makes it even more confusing.
they do try it on, and I do knock them back, and some do say that I should be with someone but it will be easiler if I look elsewhere,, and I think why and how?. I also think if only you poor women new what your old man is saying or doing while you are at home, and would never want to be in that situation, because how could I ever trust them to be truthful or loyal to me.
yes I agree jeremy kyle is depressing, but beyond that, ther seems to be a never ending supply of people who do not deserve, appreciate or value what they have got, and I can never understand why they have managed to have any sort of relationship at all, admitting some of them are not worth keeping or fighting for, but most have someone wh0o is willing to make it work, or fight for someone, or wish things are better and are wllling to get help to get it, which is what I cannot get the jist off.
What is it that makes you worth fighting for or supporting and just loving? What is expected? I just dont get it. it does not make sense to me, ever.
S



S
 
Blackrat

Blackrat

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2008
Messages
64
Location
Far away
I feel the same sometimes....
I can't talk to my family because they tend to ignore me. The one thing my family is VERY good at is cutting people out when they're an "embarrassment". My brother had a few problems and it wasn't long before they removed all sign he'd ever been there - we wern't allowed to talk about him in the house at all. I imagine they've done the same with me, my mum's got her two "good" daughters - she doesn't need me or my brother.
I don't talk to my friends because I don't have any friends like that. A few of my closer friends know I have "a few problems" but I don't think any of them know to what extent.
As for my BF - he's amazing. He's brilliant, but he puts up with so much from me and he's never done it in a grudging way. I've never asked him for his help - it's always what's been offered to me. I usually don't talk to him about bad things too much or ask for his help because he's so good to me usually and I feel bad about dragging him down and feeling like I'm just a burden to him. A lot of the time I feel like the whole relationship is horribly one-sided - all he does is care for me and I keep having problems :redface: hes the main reason I just want to get real, proper help as soon as possible. He's always helping me and I feel like I never do anything to help him. A lot of the time, I buy him little things (usually bars of chocolate) because I don't know what else I can do to show him how much I appreciate him (telling him never seems to come out right and I worry about sounding sarcastic). The other thing is that I don't want to ask for help until I know I REALLY need it. I don't want to feel like I'm taking him for granted.

That's the reason I wanted to find a mental-related forum - I'm hoping that people will be able to offer advice rather than just sympathy because they know where I'm coming from (I'm sure everyone's experience is different - even people with the same disorder will probably experience it in different ways)and maybe if I can offer any help to someone I can feel like I'm contributing to helping someone else out too :)
 
G

GrizzlyBear

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Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
I spend way too long thinking about things and worrying about things
Me too.

thing is those whiners in the pub do have really good relationships because yo see a totally different side to them when they are inwith their partners, and of course they are totally different when they are with them, which makes it even more confusing.
they do try it on, and I do knock them back
I don't think those are good relationships if they are trying it on with you.

What is it that makes you worth fighting for or supporting and just loving? What is expected? I just dont get it. it does not make sense to me, ever.
Um, I don't know whether that is a question you are directing at me personally (I'm a bit cold and blurry headed right now!). I believe we are all worth loving but in order to attract love and trust and support we have to be able to offer those things...to ourselves and other people. Easier said than done (especially loving and supporting ourselves)....but that's the way I see it.

:grouphug:
 
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