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Well The dreaded letter here at last

O

oshb5

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2011
Messages
5
Friday morning was the day Iv been dreading for months and not without cause. The brown envalope telling me that I have to change from IB to ESA or the other.. I dont sleep much because of depression and being scared that something might happen during the dark but did used to manage to sleep when light or when I knew my wife was around and awake Dont ask me why or how im like that I dont know and belive me my wife is always asking me. Anyway im now on day three without sleep. Im sick to the back teeth of worrying. about this/ and its implications Iv not worked for around 12 years firstly mainly to do with a Heart problem They knew then I needed a bypass but it was on and off over 4 years I eventually had a heart attack and i then had a triple bypass had it but it was never really fully successful as I still get angina and my breastbone is still not fully together and I get lots of pain across my chest. I was then told I had to be under the pain clinic for the pains at the hospital I had the Op done at. Anyway a year or so after I had started having pains in my left leg this progressed to them finding out I had a couple of vertebrae gone so ended up at the pain clinic of my local hospital.
Then to add insult to injury I had to go to yet another hospital for treatment on my back. But due to my heart problems. they said I was a risk and I saw the anaesthetist who said he would suggest that I not have anaesthetic. And the surgeon stood there and said he could possibly fix the back but I would probably not make it due to my heart. He then said word for word " if your pain gets that bad that you are thinking of putting your neck in a noose and jumping off a stool then ring me but only then" Not good eh..
So at this point in time I still have a dicky heart and now a bad back O also a 4" round hernia that is in my upper chest area which came because I got a wound infection after my triple bypass
You can imagine how I was feeling This was the start of my depression When asked why Iv got depression people dont understand when I told them what I had been through but that was a couple of years ago and since then Iv managed to get all my pain clinic appointments at my local hospital But my health has degraded quite a lot since then Im now down to walking about 20-25 meters where at that point im gasping for breath and holding my back in pain Any more and the chest pains start.

Plus over the last year and a half Iv had problems with my waterworks and bowels Iv been and had a camera where the sun dont shine and im clear from everything else but have deviticulitus which is very painful at times. and I have also a fissure on my anus. for this iv had creams up on creams and all have done nothing The usual route is a operation Again the anaesthetist from out local hospital said this time I could not be put under anastasia. The solution was to go to another hospital in the city and have Botox in my anus. I saw the surgeon. Who said he could do it but it is usually done under anaesthetic as they do another small procedure at the same time. But as I was having no anastasia then they would just do the injections but it would be painful.. I got to the surgery and the pain was not from the injection like I was told but from the thing they put in me to hold it open so they could see where to put the injections No wonder they did not hurt is there. as well as this. as for my waterworks they have just got less n less use Iv been wearing pads (a bit like a half nappy) for the last 6months as I used to be changing my pants sometimes 3 times a day for the last year or so But Id not told my Doc so she could not do anything about it Doh..But last few months im starting to leak out of these so as well as spare pads I need to take clothes. And what with the botox working im leaking at the back end as well. And also do to my back I cannot reach to take care of myself so my wife does Which she absolutely hates and dare not tell anyone.
We used to go out all over I used to go out alone but now I dare not go alone. not just because if I get taken short And not even as im not taking care of myself at all that is washing shaving teeth and changing my clothes. Its just people I dont know im scared when near anyone Its the same when entering into anywhere iv never been before I get so scared and can feel myself getting worked up But I used to be so outgoing and I had quite a few hobbies and now iv got nothing at all Just a spinning head full of jumbled thoughts and a body thats ready for the Kn***ers yard, Yes I know im in the wrong. And yes my wife tells me to do something about it but its like Iv given up or something as nothing seams to matter any more
I seam t dont give a c**p about anything
I stay upstairs 90% of the day alone and just go down when she makes tea or its time for a hospital or Docs Visit. My wife waits on me I know its wrong to let her but she says she loves me and carries on. But I dont give anything back. I know I dont deserve her at all she is a lot younger than me Then some days she will say she is wasting her life and what has she done to deserve a life like this I dont argue at all Its not in me I just take off back to the comfort of the bedroom and the aloneness where its safe. Iv been to various psychotherapists plus Iv had two sessions with a CBT therapist at one time I thought we had started to get my foot on the bottom rung but we was on week 20 and that was that.. back to maverick and the bedroom
I know it would not have done anything for my health issues but might have helped with my mental problems if they had carried on I tried and asked the Doc if I could carry on but had to wait a few months by which time it was to late id slipped even deeper as I had now started to hurt myself. Iv eventually told the Doc about this and they got me an appointment with a psychiatrist who I saw a few weeks ago. And I had to ask if she thought I was depressed or not because I have some people close to me saying "what have I got to be depressed about" and yes one is my loving wife.. Anyway the psychiatrist said I was intermediate to most severe. Now this was a huge smack in the face. I thought I was depressed I felt depressed but for a psychiatrist to actually tell you so it hurts. Its made me go further in myself and like I said this letter has made things even worse The Wife says Im made for carrying on like this But she does not understand just how I feel about everything thats going on my head is spinning with stuff going round and round and as soon as I stop doing anything to try and take my mind off it. Which is not long . Up it pops again. Iv had to have sprays for my angina this weekend I usually dont get an attack because I can feel when Im getting to the point of having an attack but this weekend I can just feel my chest starting to tighten for no reason well I know what reason I can feel my heart going faster than normal So yes im utterly feed up and possibly a lot worse and all because of a brown letter that has dropped through my letter box What a stet of affairs I and the whole system is in Is it not..

Im sorry iv rambled on and on but please take it that at least the time its taken me to write this, go through it and re write it Iv not thought about the forthcoming trials and tribulations or hurt myself although iv been crying through a lot of its writing and also Iv at least not had to have a spray.. thank you all for being here and giving us some way to vent as its the only thing I can do without getting into trouble :redface:. All the very best..

Andy

P.S. Im still laid on my bed the TV is on but im not interested there are magazines and stuff but i get fed up after a couple of lines Oh my god what to do..The bad thing I have started and mentioned earlier seams to be the only thing that I have in my life and that have any control over in my life..
I will say I just wish I could be anaesthetised over the next month or so...:unsure::unsure:

P.P.S.Iv just previewed this and if its to long moderators then please remove it if you have to..
 
L

Losing The Plot

Guest
Oh Andy, bloody hell! What a terrible state of affairs.

Do you have a printer? Could you print off a copy of this thread and send it in with your esa50? If I was you I would do that. It's you explaining things in your own words and I really think that it would help.

I know that it's impossible because I've been through it but try not to worry babe.
 
piglet

piglet

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 9, 2010
Messages
4,356
Location
Merseyside
Hiya hun, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and I know the whole DWP thing won't be helping matters.

For what it's worth I think you should have a wealth of evidence for your ESA. Go to you doctor and get them to give you a print out of all your referrals and stuff, also try to get letters from your specialists at the hospital. Every bit of evidence you can get helps and I also agree with printing this off and sending it in, I used extracts from my journal on here for my tribunal and they were taken into account.

I hope you don't mind me saying but it sounds like your partner isn't being very supportive through this, maybe try explaining to her exactly how you feel and what is going on. It can be hard for other people to understand how things like that can affect people sometimes.

Take care hun and I hope things start to improve soon.
 
O

oshb5

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2011
Messages
5
I hope you don't mind me saying but it sounds like your partner isn't being very supportive through this, maybe try explaining to her exactly how you feel and what is going on. It can be hard for other people to understand how things like that can affect people sometimes.

Take care hun and I hope things start to improve soon.
I know what your saying above. But she has headaches constantly and I think she is also depressed Iv told the CBT woman I had the things thats been done and said. and she says it sounds very much she is. But Iv tried and cannot get her to go and see the doc she says thats all we need both of us to be badly. I wish she would or at least come with me when I go she just waits in the car If she did she might get to know but then again I wonder if thats why she dont at times.. We have a daughter who has just started her O level exams today and has them over the next 6 weeks. So im tring to keep it and myself together for her sake I dont want a huge breakdown till she has done as she wants to go on to sixth form so needs good results And guess what one of her subjects is she wants to do.. Psychology . She is great and more aware and caring than her mum. She is the same and says its like walking on eggshells when around and talking to mum. I obviously dont make it any better taking myself off into the bedroom out off the way. But its better than the alternative as we would be constantly arguing me and my wife that is. The thing that got to me most was when I told her a year ago and came out and told her the doc had said I was depressed her exact words was "what have you got to be depressed about" as she says I do nothing and am im bed most of the time. From her point I can see it and what she means. But im just at a loss and now this and the things Iv heard that happens and the lies that the HCP puts during the medical My friend from across the road went last year and He said his report of the interview sounded as though it was from another interview not his. He had put he could walk 50m on his form And yet they had said he could do 200m and yet he worked out that from his car where he was dropped him off to where he actually saw the HCP for his medical he had walked less than 30m How can they put 200m?

Iv actually managed a couple of hours sleep more through exhaustion than being calmed down though.

Thanks again Andy

P.S. writing seams my only escape at the moment knowing that there are others like me out there..
 
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