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We were so emotionally involved that now I just cant let go of him

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Bubblyblue

Member
Joined
May 16, 2009
Messages
16
We were so emotionally attached that now I just cant let go of him

Hi. Unfortunately this is going to be a long message, as I need to explain it all really. So if you do read it all, thank you very much, it is much appreciated. Hopefully I can write this without crying.

May - Earlier this year I had made plans to commit suicide and wanted to share my last 2 months with someone who would show me some genuine compassion. Someone off the internet offered to support me, lets call him Mr X. We talked everyday on the internet and over the phone and we instantly bonded. He lives on the other side of the country so we only ended up meeting twice. It was sexual as well as emotional, but one of my biggest regrets is not having sex with him. Our 2 month relationship was very intense, we became very emotionally involved and attached with each other. Mr X told me he cared about me many times and I did too. During this I was having a very rough life (and so was he, but he kept it hidden) and his support was the most fantastic thing ever! I dont think I have ever felt so content! I felt really happy whenever we communicated. Mr X wanted to save me from commiting this act of suicide. I was seeing a counsellor weekly.

July - However I impulsively did attempt suicide the day before I had originally planned. From then on, I lost him. According to Mr X I had been emotionally blackmailing him from that day, when I never even realised I had been doing it. He kept saying I was playing games with him, twisting his words, and he said he couldnt take on the intensity of our relationship anymore, cos he had his own problems going on in his life. I wanted to be there for him! I wanted to support him! But he kept pushing me further and further away, and this was the biggest shock for me! Someone who obviously cared so much about me, became cold and distant. I then told Mr X that I think he needs professional help. After saying that he wiped me completely out of his life. He said he doesnt want to speak to me anymore, ever again. He said to me that there is no point, cos it will always come to this, yet he believes that I never consciously said any of this stuff. My counselling came to an end in July too. I was sooo upset, I wanted to remain friends with him, but cos I was so stressed, I think I said stuff which I shouldnt have. I just wish he understood this. I apologised and he said in time he will forgive me. He MADE me blame all our arguments on myself.

Aug/Sept - I feel like I have been grieving ever since our last chat early july. I really want him back, and have attempted to. But he has ignored these attempts. I AM LIVING IN HOPE THAT HE WILL CONTACT ME AND RETURN! I have only recently realised that it may be 100% over between us, but I am finding it very very hard to let go. I literally cry everyday about it. I soemtimes cant breathe, and dont sleep or eat. I think about all the mistakes I made and the regrets I have. I also feel angry towards him, but more love. I am sick to death of feeling like this! Feeling rejected and unwanted, when every thing I said to him was out of the goodness out of my heart. I have also turned to sex. In the past, I have struggled to get over people - but Ive found that the only way I get over someone is to find someone else.

So since last week, thats what I have been doing. Ive been going on many dates, and even then Mr X is on my mind. I cant seem to admire someone else. I compare Mr X to every man I meet, and Mr X wins each time! He is stuck in my heart. So what do I do? How do I let go? I know I need to stop punishing myself, I know, but I dont. All this mental torture is driving me mental. It feels like a person I loved has died, and I am going through grief. I am not suicidal anymore, I have become better. I am still on the waiting list for any professional support. In the mean time, how can I move on? Please please help. Thank you.
 
Last edited:
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Jul 15, 2009
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1,191
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Hi bubblyblue, I can really relate to how you feel. I too have formed very strong attachments to men (despite being very happily married) when I'm depressed. I get so wrapped up in them and constantly crave being held by them (when I say them, there have been several over the last 15-20 years, but only one at a time!). I too have been accused of emotional blackmail (which I've always denied), sent them long letters and emails, and felt so rejected and abandoned when they've not been able to take any more. Just a few days ago the young chap that had been my confidant has said he couldn't handle my constant need to talk and we have agreed to cut contact for a while. I guess i'm lucky, if I'm able to stick to that then he will be there when I am feeling a bit better.

As for moving on, oh bubblyblue I wish I knew. What happens to me is that I get to know someone else and the same cycle starts again. I would so like to be able to break the cycle but don't know how despite having discussed it in counselling.

Perhaps given some time and space, and once you have had some professional support, Mr X might be willing to pick up with you again, I do hope so.

Take care. :hug:
 
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Bubblyblue

Member
Joined
May 16, 2009
Messages
16
Im soooo glad someone understands me :) I am sorry though that you have been going through the same thing all your life. This is the first time its happened to me and I have been in many relationships before, but the biggest difference I guess is, I have kept in touch with all my exs, and we are still friends! Whereas with Mr X, im left with just past memories.

I am frightened that this cycle will never end. I guess I am living in hope that some sort of therapy will sort my attachment issues out. In the mean time, I think its best I dont get emotionally attached to any other man. Problem is, I miss this attachment so much, I crave it every minute of the day :cry: What to do?
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
I'm just the same - have a read of my posts under 'losing friends' in this forum. Today is the 1st anniversary of the death of one of my very close friends, i thought i would be very down, but ive got happy memories, we had a fantastic final meeting, very serene and caring. Ive got a fantastic hubby that ive been married to for 23 years, yet still i crave this particular sort of attention. I've not told my GP about this for some time, I might mention it and see if he thinks it's relevant. Luckily, most of the guys I've been in this position with are my friends again now, although nothing like as close. The ones I'm not friends with I didn't want to continue with anyway. So it's not all bad in the long term, it's just this dreadful feeling at the time and not wanting to go through it all again.

I dont suppose this has helped, me telling you about my recurring cycle when that's what you are worrying about, but at least you know you're not alone and we can chat about it and understand what we're on about.
 
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Bubblyblue

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May 16, 2009
Messages
16
I literally cried for about 7 hours today non-stop. I am physically and mentally exhausted now, and the heart pain is so much, I forget to breathe sometimes and faint. I am sooo stupid! I need to stop living in hope, he has GONE forever. :cry:
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Jul 15, 2009
Messages
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Location
Kent
No you're not stupid! You just have some difficulties right now, just as most of us on here do. Apart from MH problems, you're grieving for a good friendship and it's going to hurt like hell, of course it is. I can only suggest trying to do something to distract yourself, maybe where you can meet new people if you're up to it. Just to do normal stuff, rather than trying to get involved. If he has said that in time he will forgive you then you still have hope. In the meantime, try and live your life as best you can. Maybe push to get therapy. I know it's hard, believe me I do. But what else can we do? :hug:
 
F

freshstart

Member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
12
I know exactly how you feel. I downloaded a hypnotism thing on the net about breaking up and working through it an it did help a bit. It is exactly like bereavement and I too cry for hours and somtimes find it hard to breathe. I havnt found the answer yet. My situation is different in that the realtinship is very on off..at the moment it is on but he alwasy changes his mind to off just as I start to settle into it so I am waiting always or the next dumping and it is always so painful...I neer seem to get behond this and stupidly go back for more. Distraction I suppose. It is especially hard because mh problems seem to be increased when times ae hard like this. :grouphug::grouphug:
 
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Bubblyblue

Member
Joined
May 16, 2009
Messages
16
I can sit here everyday and day-dream of him, and smile and laugh and be all happy. These thoughts about us possibly meeting accidently and getting together, make me feel soo happy and brightens up my mood. It makes me feel good inside

Then reality kicks in. It is 100% impossible. I hate reality. I rather escape and fantasise about us every second of the day, then do normal day-to-day things e.g. go to work.
 
Neferakhet

Neferakhet

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Joined
Sep 13, 2009
Messages
86
Location
Beyond the Styx
I think I can understand how you feel about this whole situation.Unfortunately the downside of those strong attachments is when you lose the person,it's too painful and too damn hard to handle.As you yourself have described,one feels like they are dead..which in a way is true.Not technically dead but gone from one's life.

In this situation I'd like to point out to you some important points.Some of your decisions,reactions to have broken up with him is like a two-edged sword,by that I mean both sides are sharp,and cut.

For instance,you try to lessen the pain by going on dates and trying to find other men to compensate for your loss.I don't criticize this and I agree that if one is lucky this is the right thing to do when trying to cope with a tough situation like this.The reason for it is that you may encounter yet an another person who is at least as worthy as Mr.X.So in essence it's a positivist approach fueled from desperation.The positive side of those kind of attempts are that it may be fruitful provided that you meet someone as good as X.So you are trying there is nothing wrong with that But..

The downside of such attempts is they may wear you down emotionally.And they are also perilious to your mental health because you are comparing all of them to him(and rightfully so) because someone who isn't good as him will just disappoint you,you won't be satisfied,and these sort of tries in the long run,if they can't yield results you will just feel worse.

If you ask my personal opinion,be calm and still try to find an another man who is worthy.But do that without expecting much,so you won't be disappointed.

The second aspect is about whether to hope he'll return oneday or to believe and accept that he is gone forever.Again here you need to choose path and again it's a two-edged sword.The important point here is which one cuts deeper..and sharper.

From experience I can say that hoping that someday you guys will make up and someday he will return is a dangerous path to take.Harbouring hope is always dangerous due to the fact that as aftermaths usually there are grave disappointments.Sure you feel relaxed and calm when you hope and think that someday he will be back.. However eventually and gradually you'll come to realize that he'll never be back and this realization may devastate you.

Second stance here is to accept wholeheartadly that he is gone forever.It's real hard to and a point very hard to reach which takes time..depending on each of our personalities,characteristics.But this is the safer path to take in my opinion.Try to say to hell with it..think of your mistakes.

Don't hope that he will be back..But hope for you may meet someday as good as him or better than him someday.There is always a possibility of that don't forget.
 
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Emily09

New member
Joined
Nov 24, 2009
Messages
1
the one who got away...

I can relate to this problem. After I form attachments, I can hang onto them for years or even more. Sometimes, after six months of not seeing someone (usually at a time of depression) I find myself overcome with feelings of longing (as well as rejection). Was there some reason I wasn't good enough to keep that person? Why did they chose someone else over me?

I believe that the moment you have these feelings about someone--anyone--it is clear that he is not the right person for you and you should think about him as little as possible. But it's so hard!!

I wish I was stronger, that I had higher standards for myself, and the way that I allow myself to be treated. Worse, these obsessions blind me to the other people in my life and other suitors. I know this intellectually, but still I find myself fantasizing about the unavailable or gone.

How do I stop this? If someone has the answer, I'd like to know.
 
R

Respecting myself

Guest
I can identify too - even when the attachment isn't healthy I just can't help myself. The fear of being on my own is really really horrible and I think it's why I stay in relationships long after I should. I become intense, clingy and as with classic BPD when they're not with me I feel abandoned.

At the moment my social and support network isn't great enough to allow myself to prise my way clear of my boyfriend - a part of me loves him so much I sob so badly whenever we've tried to end it, but a part of me knows that the life I could have with him isn't really the life I want. But I am so attached it has become impossible for me.
 
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