watching life go by

[finding nemo]

I've always found it really hard to connect with people, I have tried socializing but I don't feel any better for it - almost subconsciously I feel uncomfortable and that I want to get away. Although I feel comfortable around my long term bf, I still feel disconnected even from him.

My nature is that I prefer being alone, but I hate it at the same time.

It's making me feel really disconnected and like I'm watching from the outside, I don't feel like anything is real.

Even though I have a job, a BF and a few friends I feel less successful than other people, they all seem to find it so easy to make good, close friends.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety before, but this feels different. I'm not sure if I am masking all my emotions because I am scared - but I feel numb and as if I'm pretending to be happy.

I don't know what to do and I feel as if this is my life now, and I'm sick of it and frustrated.

Sorry if it is confusing, I don't understand it myself...but if anyone else has/had similar experiences or any advice or help then it would help to hear about it.

 

[Jo1760]

Hi finding nemo and welcome to the forum. I really hope you find it a useful supportive place. There are lots of members happy to give support and advice.

I have to say I really connected with a lot of what you said, the constant feelings of loneliness and wanting to be alone but equally hating it also. I too also am very critical, almost hyper-critical about myself, therefore i can understand what you meant about feeling other people are somehow more successful. Its so very difficult dealing with feelings alike that and i wish i could give some advice but other than possibly going for some type of counselling its a really hard situation to get out of.

Are you currently receiving any treatment? You dont of course have to answer that, it was only a suggest that if you are not, it might be worth while speaking to your GP about how you have been. If your worried about knowing what to say, your post was very clear so it would definitely be worth while printing a copy off.

Anyway, i'll stop rambling, i just wanted to let you know that I really do understand the majority of how you are feeling - let us know how you are doing and keep posting.

Take care of yourself

Jo

 

[finding nemo]

Thanks so much for replying, it's good to hear that you understand, though of course really it's not great that you had to go through it too. Are you feeling better now? What helped you most? Do you ever feel the same occasionally?

I'm not receiving any treatment, I did go to my gp about it, about 5 months ago - he fobbed me off with spiel about how it's like an illness, nothing to be ashamed of etc and gave me a leaflet - what I really wanted was help. I've moved around a lot since then so I don't have a gp.

I'm going to make more of an effort to get a gp, thanks for the advice. I'm not sure how hopeful I am about it though - whatever I do doesn't seem to change things. Speaking to my bf, being with a friend, going to a club whatever I do just feels empty and pointless. I'm 25 now and I've felt like this since 14.

I've had it so long that it feels normal to me, so it's really good to have confirmation that I'm not meant to be feeling like this, thank you for that.

 

[iffybob]

Hi, I agree with what jo has said ,.... I feel the same way alot of the time .... so you are not alone .

 

[bubbling under]

I can identify with what you say aswell....I much prefer my own company, to lock myself away so I don't have to 'function' is where I am more comfortable. Most ppl would propbably say I come across as confident, but thats my mask I wear just to get through whatever I'm dealing with at that moment. Socialising is hard for me also, because I never feel good enough...somehow the phrase 'uncompatable with life' springs to mind. Almost disfunctional

Anyhows...my brains switched off for now but I just wanted you to know there is someone else out there who gets you

Keep talking x

 

[Jo1760]

That's fine now worries, I do think sometimes as difficult as it is to go through situations like the ones you described, it helps to hear from people who are aware of you are feeling. Like you said its not nice to go though but equally its good to know your not alone.

Like you it is something i have felt for a long time and have been through ups and downs over the last 10 years. The last two years for me have been particularly difficult, so unfortunately I am still not yet feeling better, however I can see the progress I have made certainly over the last 6 months. It must have been difficult for you having too move around a fair bit, but I would really suggest that registering with a GP would be a good next step. You asked what had helped me, well I take a combo of meds but also I had a course of CBT at the end of last year. I dont know how aware you are of what CBT is but basicly its a course of therapy that instead of going back to anything that may have happened years ago it works on changing current thinking patterns. A GP would be able to refer you to the psychological therapies. I found CBT quite helpful, I think the only draw back is current NHS courses are very short so i did feel i could have done with a few more sessions, however depending on where you live they may be long. I live in London so services are really stretched.

I have to say that really was pretty appalling of your previous GP to just fob you off. Not helpful at all. You must have been terribly frustrated about that visit.

It really is very difficult feeling that things are so pointless. Such a struggle. Do you find that you manage to get pleasure with any particular activities or parts of the day? I do also think if the answer to that is No, that would also be something worth speaking with a GP about.

I guess something that has helped is connecting with people on here. I find being sociable terribly difficult, however at times it can be a little easier talking with people who understand. On the forum there is a journal section, which i guess its like a blog where you can right your thought and how you are doing each day. If you feel making notes on there helpful it might be a nice thing to try.

Anyway, take care of yourself and if I can be of any help or have any questions, please feel free to PM me.

 

[coraline1664]

I'm another that feels similar...in fact the same!
I prefer being alone but do crave good company in a way, just not whilst I feel how I feel..
I can only seem to go the complete opposite way, being really social, needing constant company of anyone as long as I'm not alone, very forward and a bit clumsy with feelings. I don't know how to get a balance. I feel really disassociated with most things, often I feel like a different species I've been in a very reserved and anxious state again for the past year now. I seem to turn just living my life into a difficult equation to the point where I give up and don't do anything. I can't seem to stop picking things apart and unlearning them.
It is very confusing and sorry for going on about myself in a response but I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way also.

Liz

 

[finding nemo]

wow there's so many responses. It's good to hear about so many peoples experiences with it.

bubbling under - incompatible with life, that's a perfect way to explain it. I've often kind of felt I don't belong here, I don't understand life like everyone else does.

jo1760 - it's good to see that you're making progress, I hope you're able to get rid of it in the future.

I've had CBT for my shyness and it helped loads, it's really great. I went private at first to deal with my problems and I really hated it - they're just there to take all the money they can from you. I went to see a NHS doctor and they got me in touch with a CBT person and that 2 months helped more than a year of the private doctor.

All of my life seems a monotony, I do different things and I am still bored. I have no drive to do these things but I force myself to.

I do get pleasure in being on the train and listening to music strangely enough - it's the only thing I enjoy anymore.

I'm not sure about the journal, I find that kind of thing scary, I think because the only thing getting me through at the moment is pretending it's not happening.

coraline1664 - I can understand that actually, if I'm forced to be around people I will almost talk too much.
"I seem to turn just living my life into a difficult equation to the point where I give up and don't do anything. I can't seem to stop picking things apart and unlearning them."

I don't quite understand that, if you want to talk about it, could you explain? If not I understand

Again thanks so much, it's good to see other people do understand

 

[coraline1664]

finding nemo

Sorry, I realise now that probably wouldn't have made any sense to anyone else but me! I meant that I over analyse things so that situations seem more complicated than they are. I'm a bit sleepy now which might be making me harder to understand!

Take care,
Liz

 

[Powerslave]

Hi Nemo, I could have written that. I feel the same way, I feel slightly detatched from everyone including my family. I hope things get better for you soon.

 

[jamesdean]

Such an increadiable and emotive topic,I have felt so disconnected with the world completely for a while now,I actually had a feeling of positivity yesterday morning whilst sat at my computer but by the afternoon my head was wrecked,the world And people really frigtens me atm. JD