Watchin' time fly by, captive in my self made prison. Walking a trillion loops around this room while watching through my window life and time go by.

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CaptiveLooper

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
denver
Hello.
I'm stuck. I cannot get unstuck although I've created a million blueprints on how to escape the prison of my mind and this one room....It just never seems to work out. The same goals, hopes, and checklist I attempt to work on EVERYDAY for almost three years and never get a step closer to completing one task. I've lost touch with society, friends. lovers. family and my own mind. I reside in terror all day every day. I cannot list the points of insanity I've reached because its either too painful or because the massive amt of meds just stole much of my capacity for remembering.
 
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CaptiveLooper

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
denver
Midnightphoenix, thank you for responding. I too am sorry for these struggles and hate to hear u feel outcasted. You're always welcome here. With me.
Alas, no....I was never an outcast but I made myself one, my mind told me of the hate of friends family and lovers so I secluded...I'm wondering lately if my perceptions were wrong...I see disgust and hate in all faces for me...
 
calypso

calypso

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Jan 5, 2011
Messages
42,721
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Lancashire
I think that we see that hate when we self hate. I am sorry for your struggles and hope you can manage to find a way through it all. Isolation is a very destructive experience for us all. You are not alone here. :welcome: to the forum.
 
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CaptiveLooper

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
denver
Its moments like this that I have to question my undying denial of many diagnosis of personality disorders...calypso, what you say about projection of hate sounds profound to me right now. Of course that is it! Thank you for the reminder and mourn with me the last couple days I picked my every moment and movement and words uttered disgusted with all my mistakes...because what you just said put an end to my misery and a new question in my dorky head is taking over,,,,WHY oh why might I have given that same simplicity to anyone but it didn't even cross my mind to think that my fear and self consciousness was so deep that a smile from a stranger looked like growls...
Oh boy, Im new here but I can see that this site is a really good one.
 
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Pollypop

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
1,025
Location
England. Derbyshire
I can totally relate to what you said in your first and second post CaptiveLooper.
I’ve even got lists of the lists-if that makes sense.!
And YES, this IS really good site.
I have gained so much from it.

I hope you stay with us.
 
CelticTwilight

CelticTwilight

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
70
Location
Nocturnsville UK
:welcome: Great power of expression! Put into words similar to how I have felt for long stretches in my 25 year bubble following a breakdown - but it hasn't all been bad. Maybe joining this site could be the beginning of a new break for you, I hope so. I certainly detected a slightly more upbeat tone in your second message.
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
1,125
Location
London
considered staying in a in patient hospital ?
 
Warrior

Warrior

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Joined
Jul 23, 2019
Messages
482
Location
UK
:welcome: @CaptiveLooper to the forum, sorry to hear how you've entrapped yourself because of how you feel with your mental state :hug: There's many discussions on the board regarding personality disorder and getting involved might give you a greater out look on how to achieve goals better than how your feeling :)
 
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CaptiveLooper

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
denver
@sadpunchingbag, not sure. Im trying to think of why locking myself into another place would be an option...but maybe you're thinking that it'd be good to be locked up with others? idk...Any and all advice is good if you'd like to expand on that.
 
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CaptiveLooper

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
denver
I can totally relate to what you said in your first and second post CaptiveLooper.
I’ve even got lists of the lists-if that makes sense.!
And YES, this IS really good site.
I have gained so much from it.

I hope you stay with us.
You made me smile you sweet thang...'Preciate it. :)
 
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CaptiveLooper

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
denver
:welcome: @CaptiveLooper to the forum, sorry to hear how you've entrapped yourself because of how you feel with your mental state :hug: There's many discussions on the board regarding personality disorder and getting involved might give you a greater out look on how to achieve goals better than how your feeling :)
Thank you...so much
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

Well-known member
Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
1,125
Location
London
@sadpunchingbag, not sure. Im trying to think of why locking myself into another place would be an option...but maybe you're thinking that it'd be good to be locked up with others? idk...Any and all advice is good if you'd like to expand on that.
just to get some help if you feel that bad not in a negative way just to get help
 
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CaptiveLooper

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
denver
:welcome: Great power of expression! Put into words similar to how I have felt for long stretches in my 25 year bubble following a breakdown - but it hasn't all been bad. Maybe joining this site could be the beginning of a new break for you, I hope so. I certainly detected a slightly more upbeat tone in your second message.
 
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Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
191
Location
UK
Hello.
I'm stuck. I cannot get unstuck although I've created a million blueprints on how to escape the prison of my mind and this one room....It just never seems to work out. The same goals, hopes, and checklist I attempt to work on EVERYDAY for almost three years and never get a step closer to completing one task. I've lost touch with society, friends. lovers. family and my own mind. I reside in terror all day every day. I cannot list the points of insanity I've reached because its either too painful or because the massive amt of meds just stole much of my capacity for remembering.
So many of us here are familiar with that. You are not alone.
 
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