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Wasting away my youth

Cosmic_Horror

Cosmic_Horror

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Chile
It's really long and boring.

Most of my childhood I was reclused in home as I was homeschooled by my mom who's a retired teacher. I had no friends or contact with other child's as you may imagine. I have two older brothers, my relationship with them was the same of any brothers, except that they were way older than me and lived their own independent life so it was quite distant (and it still is).


My only contact with other folks of my age was in church, and I hated them so I never had any further connection than a few child games. My father was absent as he cheated repeatedly on my mom. She often lashed out at me saying that I should go and live with my father rather to stay with her. Then she avoided me and didn't talked to me for the rest of the day. (I was like 7)


I entered to a regular school for 2 years where I managed to build some friendships, and then we move out of city so my friends where left out of my life once again.


At that age I was left completely alone in our new home, reclused once again. Most of my days I was playing ps1, cleaning, making food and watching horror movies. We had no money for internet, so I didn't have any contact with online people.


My mom was always busy doing papers and arguing with my (far absent at this point) father, because he didn't wanted to pay my school, and he didn't, so I couldn't get to go, and my mom decided to return homeschooling me again.

At this point I was 12.


A year later, my grandma went to live with us. I never had a real connection with her more than a respectful trait.

I remember when I was very little and she said things like "You don't like me, right?", A question I couldn't respond because she never was affectionate to me and I didn't know her very well. She always stated explicitly that she preferred and praised her male grandchildren rather the females ones. So the lack of communication made her a complete stranger to me and suddenly we had to live with someone that doesn't like me.


In a matter of days, grandma took a radical posture against me and started to talk nasty stuff of me to my mom and other family members. Like I was merely a "stupid brat", "useless" and that I should've been kicked out of the house. It was like she hated me with guts. I never responded to her attacks, and in exchange, I stayed silent, even if I was hurting and feeling humiliated. Soon, this became quite regular.


I shut myself in the room more and more often. The relationship with my mom was not great, but with the arrival of grandma it became even more distant.


I felt so, so alone, so desesperante. Unloved, despised.. less of a person. With no social skills, I developed agoraphobia and panic attacks. I couldn't go out of the house without blacking out. The fear of being rejected and ridiculed consumed me. So I had no chance to run away.


We managed to get internet and I have found kind of a shelter in some fandoms. Specially in the role-playing platform. Writing things and imagining the life through another character's eyes was the best thing it could happen to me. It was like doing things I couldn't never do in real life.. simple things like having a cute relationship or going out with friends.

Living that fake life helped me to tone down the monster that told me I was unlovable and alone. But at the same time, I was too naive to really tell if I could trust in someone I just met online.


Years passed... My grandma's behavior got worse and one of my aunts decided to took her with them, so me and my mom were finally free from her toxicity.


This is where my depression suddenly exploded.


I was trying to finish my highschool online, but I have already failed my last exam. I was studying by my own because mom was not qualified to teach upper years of school.

I had to wait another year to take the exam again.

The relationship with my mom worsened and I was once again antagonized and left alone.

I got into self harm to ease all the pain that was consuming me. I harm myself regularly and I was planning to commit suicide until my mom saw the large wounds crossing my skin. That was when she finally decided to take to a psychologist.


Short long story. I got diagnosed with depression and bpd.

Now I'm an adult, I've got my job and I even build an outgoing personality in order to be a high-functioning person. I have my peaceful moments, but I've never followed a constant treatment, and I think my bpd is getting worse through the years.

I only live to work and maintain my mom and myself. The fear of abandonment has destroyed all my potential relationships and even the fictional friendships/relationships I had role-playing. I'm right now, right here completely out of hope. I can't control my mood swings and the paranoia of being left behind have taken over my life. I know I'm seeing black and white. I crave so bad for someone to hold me and never let go. I'm not looking for advice, I don't think it will do much in my state. I wanted to let this all out and then cry until I run dry.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
5,794
Location
Nowhere
:welcome:

these communities of fellow MH sufferers
we will never let you go
you can stay here forever

welcome home

:grouphug: :goodluck::cheer:
 
Katesqui333

Katesqui333

Member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Leicester
That sounds horrible. :( I know what it’s like to have ‘family’ be abusive, it really does break you in a lot of ways.
You should leave you could save Money and travel & only do things for you. Be selfish everybody else is.
Its your life and you deserve to be happy. Not much help sorry
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
281
Location
London, ON
It's never too late to try and rebuild yourself, and make a life worth living.

Part of that means you need to try some kind of therapy, or counseling. Something to make you value yourself, or helps you break down the alienation you feel.

When my BPD was at it's worst, I felt a lot like you. Torn between wanting people around, and unable to stand company. On-line friendships really helped me move through that period. Myself - I played World of Warcraft, formed a guild and ran it, and that socialization went a long way to helping me deal with life in the real world.

I'm not saying you should play WoW, but joining another roleplay group would be good for you.

I honestly think some treatment would help you, but it would be something you need to stick with.

I stil have bad days and weeks, but what I learned via therapy has made those periods shorter and, genrally, less intense.

Just remember - you aren't worthless, and you deserve to be happy.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
5,794
Location
Nowhere
Cosmic Horror

it has just occurred to me
you have not posted yet in introductions forum

you will get more people welcoming you there

:grouphug: :goodluck: :welcome:
 
Cosmic_Horror

Cosmic_Horror

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Chile
That sounds horrible. :( I know what it’s like to have ‘family’ be abusive, it really does break you in a lot of ways.
You should leave you could save Money and travel & only do things for you. Be selfish everybody else is.
Its your life and you deserve to be happy. Not much help sorry

I do love my family. It's just that I remember these bad memories. My mother always tells me that she feels guilty for leaving me so alone back these years. I know she didn't know/could do any better and I forgive her.

I only wish to genuinely feel loved and important to someone.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
5,794
Location
Nowhere
I only wish to genuinely feel loved and important to someone
I know , I found that really diffiult actually
I learned that I have to give some of that love to myself
not all of it , but sounds a bit cliche
but once we can give ourselves some love
then other people follow suit

for me it started with thinking better thoughts about myself
 
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