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Was this rape? **TRIGGER WARNING** Discusses rape & abuse

justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Ontario, Canada
But I literally can’t stop thinking about it...That’s the thing. I have PTSD. Unfortunately it doesn’t ever just go away, it’ll always be there. I mean maybe it’ll get easier to deal with, but it will never truly go away.
One friend was abused in a similar way to me over a decade ago, and she’s started her whole life over, is what I would call fully healed, but of course she still does remember. She told me that it never ever goes away, just gets easier to deal with.
Plus this is still SO raw to me. I’m only just now opening my eyes to what it was, so I can’t just stop thinking about it. It doesn’t work that way, and probably will not for a long time.

I do have a therapist anyway and due to the shutdowns in my province due to covid, I can only speak to her via video chat.
Of course, now I’ve been shocked/stunned/re-traumatized into complete silence. I have found myself completely mute all of a sudden. I can’t even speak now! It’s so weird but I literally can’t do it. I clam up.

Also only the one guy is in jail, not all of them. I have only just really realized what they all did, in the last like 24 hours... I no longer have any evidence or way of proving they took part in it, as it was a few years back, so unfortunately I don’t think the other 2 guys will end up in jail either.
 
MoonShapedPool

MoonShapedPool

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2021
Messages
1,527
Location
Lancashire
Mine were too saying sorry & explaining.
I deeply apologize if I offended you.
It was something to think about way,way into the future...Maybe..
Hope things work out for you.
Good Luck.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
873
TRIGGER WARNING:

Mention of rape and description of forced sexual activity in this thread.



Hello I’m new here.
I’m here to ask this because I genuinely don’t know. Apologies that this will be long.

So I’m 23 and a few years ago when I was a teenager, I was in an INCREDIBLY abusive relationship. It only lasted a few months and I did break up with him, but in those few short months, the things he did to me have left me with a lot of trauma. A lot of emotional, physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse. Just all of it. 😞
For a little more context and so you can hopefully understand my story a little more, I’m a transgender man (female to male), and I am gay; I currently have a wonderful, supportive husband.
(Note: I’m not interested in people’s personal issues or opinions or whatever about either of these facts, so please don’t bother going there in the replies. These facts however, are relevant to a part of the story.)

Anyway:
I was in this abusive relationship, and he did rape me.
This was proven to the police, and in a court of law. Obviously at first he denied it but then later confessed, and after a horrible and long ordeal, he was finally put in prison. However, there was an incident mere DAYS before the one which got him imprisoned...
I don’t know whether it was rape or not.

He had two best friends; one of whom was also his cousin. They weren’t particularly nice people either.
On this particular occasion, my then-boyfriend had these two friends over at the same time as me. We were all playing video games together.
But the three of them kept making sexual comments, whispering to each other and laughing.
Something about it all made me very uncomfortable, and I kept wishing they would leave.
At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, they were all standing up and the TV and console has been switched off.
My then-boyfriend was laying a towel down on his bed.
I figured his friends were now leaving.
My then-boyfriend held his arms out to me and pulled me against him to kiss me. Again, I was pretty uncomfortable doing this in front of his friends, so I gently pushed him away.
But he pulled me back and kept kissing me and his hands were wandering.
Again, got uncomfortable in front of his friends, and asked him if they were leaving now, and he laughed and said no, we were going to “put on a little show”?
I turned around and at this point, his friends were now sitting down...touching themselves!?
Obviously I got even MORE uncomfortable and told my then-boyfriend I wanted to be alone, just me and him. But he said no, it’s rude to ask his friends to go home, and besides I “needed to prove my trust in him”!? I said “are you kidding? You’re still trying to earn back my trust?” (He had cheated on me - a one off as far as I know, and had somehow manipulated me into giving him a second chance even though I had dumped him after finding out. He was VERY good at messing with my head.)
He said “this will prove it. This is something I would only ever do with someone special.” And I had no idea what he was talking about.
The next thing I remember, was his friends starting to grope me all over. I had recently had my top surgery (double mastectomy), and one of them said to my then-boyfriend “I thought you said he was trans? Where are his t**s?” And my then-boyfriend said “oh he had that surgery already.” Then that same friend went “ugh where’s the fun in that?! Oh well. We’ll have to make do with what’s there.” At that point my then-boyfriend told them I hadn’t had my ‘other surgery’ yet.
I freaked out at this point and said to his friends “I’m not here for anyone’s ‘fun’. I’m *insert name here*’s boyfriend; not yours!”
They laughed.
My then-boyfriend then took over and pushed me back on the bed...
The next thing I know, all three of them are on me from all angles! I couldn’t get up and I said I don’t want to, but they didn’t listen to me.
My then-boyfriend told them it’s fine and to go ahead. He doesn’t mind!
I said “well I mind!” But again nobody listened to me.
Then they took it in turns to have sex with me. I tried to get up but they would keep just pushing me back down again.
They were all pretty muscular and masculine guys and I had trouble pushing them off me. But I didn’t shout or scream or fight. I did try to get away but they would just drag me back in place and carry on like I was a rag doll...
Eventually I just stopped. I couldn’t do anything. I completely froze and was dazed, I remember feeling completely “out of it” even though I hadn’t been given anything to my knowledge?
I just... there are parts where I remember exactly what they were doing, and there are parts where I just draw a blank and don’t fully remember...
When they were all done with me, I just lay there and couldn’t move.
My then-boyfriend slapped me on the behind and said “good boy. You did really well. I’m proud of you”.
And I couldn’t even say anything.
Then his friends all got cleaned up and dressed again and left. My then-boyfriend told them “same time again next Saturday fellas. I’ll text you.”
The whole time it was happening, none of them spoke to me. They did everything with my then-boyfriend’s “permission” but not mine. They just passed me around between them. And I was so “out of it” in my head and my body just felt limp and like I had no control over it.

Anyway I’m sorry to go into such detail. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone. I’m so sorry if I did!
My question is, was this rape?
Because I did freeze and my mind went blank. I didn’t do enough to stop it but I definitely didn’t consent, and I didn’t want it.
I didn’t climax or anything like that. I know that much. I definitely didn’t enjoy it!
I know I was so stupid. I would never willingly sleep with more than just my romantic partner - I’m not that sort of person!
I feel like it’s all my fault though because I didn’t do enough.
I finally confessed all to my husband and a close female friend; both broke down in tears and said they were so sorry and that it was gang rape...
Was it?
I’m not entirely sure.
I did not consent to any of it, that much is true. But I froze and didn’t fight hard enough.
I quite literally didn’t feel like I could even move! I felt too light to move, if that makes sense?

Please can anyone shed some light on what you think this was? I really don’t know if it was rape or not? Since I froze like that and didn’t push them off me hard enough or protest loud enough. I didn’t want it I swear! They asked him instead of me, but...
I’m so confused. I’ve held on to this for years and I blame myself entirely.
I’ve never told anyone until now. They knew about him raping me on his own, though.

I feel like an idiot even asking, but I genuinely don’t know. The trauma from it has been eating me up and affecting me in various, very specific ways ever since.
I couldn’t hide it any longer.
It’s been causing me to act impulsively out of fear (fleeing the house and pushing my husband away - without meaning or wanting to! - at the slightest argument), avoiding certain things like gaming because of what was going on just before this took place, and just having awful thoughts and nightmares. It’s been getting worse and worse. I know I’m traumatized, whatever it was. I’ve been feeling so low and worthless and hopeless, just feeling dirty and disgusted in myself and like a sl*t... 😞
I hate myself so so much. I can’t bear it.
I know me fleeing the house at the slightest argument, and pushing my husband away is hurting him, and I hate myself even more for it. I don’t mean to hurt him of course! He is my whole world. He’s been. so understanding and caring and supportive though, which just makes me feel even worse. This is why I eventually had to come clean to him about it. He’s been fantastic and I hate myself so much for hurting him because he’s just been so supportive and so kind and caring about this whole thing. I don’t deserve him 😢

Please help me shed some light on the truth? Was it truly rape? I don’t even know anymore. I get so many mixed messages and mixed feelings about it.

Thank you so much for reading this far.
Sorry if I haven’t made much sense.
thats a bloody awful experience.....you should have them reported to the police
 
D

Dagoon

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
82
Location
Np20
TRIGGER WARNING:

Mention of rape and description of forced sexual activity in this thread.



Hello I’m new here.
I’m here to ask this because I genuinely don’t know. Apologies that this will be long.

So I’m 23 and a few years ago when I was a teenager, I was in an INCREDIBLY abusive relationship. It only lasted a few months and I did break up with him, but in those few short months, the things he did to me have left me with a lot of trauma. A lot of emotional, physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse. Just all of it. 😞
For a little more context and so you can hopefully understand my story a little more, I’m a transgender man (female to male), and I am gay; I currently have a wonderful, supportive husband.
(Note: I’m not interested in people’s personal issues or opinions or whatever about either of these facts, so please don’t bother going there in the replies. These facts however, are relevant to a part of the story.)

Anyway:
I was in this abusive relationship, and he did rape me.
This was proven to the police, and in a court of law. Obviously at first he denied it but then later confessed, and after a horrible and long ordeal, he was finally put in prison. However, there was an incident mere DAYS before the one which got him imprisoned...
I don’t know whether it was rape or not.

He had two best friends; one of whom was also his cousin. They weren’t particularly nice people either.
On this particular occasion, my then-boyfriend had these two friends over at the same time as me. We were all playing video games together.
But the three of them kept making sexual comments, whispering to each other and laughing.
Something about it all made me very uncomfortable, and I kept wishing they would leave.
At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, they were all standing up and the TV and console has been switched off.
My then-boyfriend was laying a towel down on his bed.
I figured his friends were now leaving.
My then-boyfriend held his arms out to me and pulled me against him to kiss me. Again, I was pretty uncomfortable doing this in front of his friends, so I gently pushed him away.
But he pulled me back and kept kissing me and his hands were wandering.
Again, got uncomfortable in front of his friends, and asked him if they were leaving now, and he laughed and said no, we were going to “put on a little show”?
I turned around and at this point, his friends were now sitting down...touching themselves!?
Obviously I got even MORE uncomfortable and told my then-boyfriend I wanted to be alone, just me and him. But he said no, it’s rude to ask his friends to go home, and besides I “needed to prove my trust in him”!? I said “are you kidding? You’re still trying to earn back my trust?” (He had cheated on me - a one off as far as I know, and had somehow manipulated me into giving him a second chance even though I had dumped him after finding out. He was VERY good at messing with my head.)
He said “this will prove it. This is something I would only ever do with someone special.” And I had no idea what he was talking about.
The next thing I remember, was his friends starting to grope me all over. I had recently had my top surgery (double mastectomy), and one of them said to my then-boyfriend “I thought you said he was trans? Where are his t**s?” And my then-boyfriend said “oh he had that surgery already.” Then that same friend went “ugh where’s the fun in that?! Oh well. We’ll have to make do with what’s there.” At that point my then-boyfriend told them I hadn’t had my ‘other surgery’ yet.
I freaked out at this point and said to his friends “I’m not here for anyone’s ‘fun’. I’m *insert name here*’s boyfriend; not yours!”
They laughed.
My then-boyfriend then took over and pushed me back on the bed...
The next thing I know, all three of them are on me from all angles! I couldn’t get up and I said I don’t want to, but they didn’t listen to me.
My then-boyfriend told them it’s fine and to go ahead. He doesn’t mind!
I said “well I mind!” But again nobody listened to me.
Then they took it in turns to have sex with me. I tried to get up but they would keep just pushing me back down again.
They were all pretty muscular and masculine guys and I had trouble pushing them off me. But I didn’t shout or scream or fight. I did try to get away but they would just drag me back in place and carry on like I was a rag doll...
Eventually I just stopped. I couldn’t do anything. I completely froze and was dazed, I remember feeling completely “out of it” even though I hadn’t been given anything to my knowledge?
I just... there are parts where I remember exactly what they were doing, and there are parts where I just draw a blank and don’t fully remember...
When they were all done with me, I just lay there and couldn’t move.
My then-boyfriend slapped me on the behind and said “good boy. You did really well. I’m proud of you”.
And I couldn’t even say anything.
Then his friends all got cleaned up and dressed again and left. My then-boyfriend told them “same time again next Saturday fellas. I’ll text you.”
The whole time it was happening, none of them spoke to me. They did everything with my then-boyfriend’s “permission” but not mine. They just passed me around between them. And I was so “out of it” in my head and my body just felt limp and like I had no control over it.

Anyway I’m sorry to go into such detail. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone. I’m so sorry if I did!
My question is, was this rape?
Because I did freeze and my mind went blank. I didn’t do enough to stop it but I definitely didn’t consent, and I didn’t want it.
I didn’t climax or anything like that. I know that much. I definitely didn’t enjoy it!
I know I was so stupid. I would never willingly sleep with more than just my romantic partner - I’m not that sort of person!
I feel like it’s all my fault though because I didn’t do enough.
I finally confessed all to my husband and a close female friend; both broke down in tears and said they were so sorry and that it was gang rape...
Was it?
I’m not entirely sure.
I did not consent to any of it, that much is true. But I froze and didn’t fight hard enough.
I quite literally didn’t feel like I could even move! I felt too light to move, if that makes sense?

Please can anyone shed some light on what you think this was? I really don’t know if it was rape or not? Since I froze like that and didn’t push them off me hard enough or protest loud enough. I didn’t want it I swear! They asked him instead of me, but...
I’m so confused. I’ve held on to this for years and I blame myself entirely.
I’ve never told anyone until now. They knew about him raping me on his own, though.

I feel like an idiot even asking, but I genuinely don’t know. The trauma from it has been eating me up and affecting me in various, very specific ways ever since.
I couldn’t hide it any longer.
It’s been causing me to act impulsively out of fear (fleeing the house and pushing my husband away - without meaning or wanting to! - at the slightest argument), avoiding certain things like gaming because of what was going on just before this took place, and just having awful thoughts and nightmares. It’s been getting worse and worse. I know I’m traumatized, whatever it was. I’ve been feeling so low and worthless and hopeless, just feeling dirty and disgusted in myself and like a sl*t... 😞
I hate myself so so much. I can’t bear it.
I know me fleeing the house at the slightest argument, and pushing my husband away is hurting him, and I hate myself even more for it. I don’t mean to hurt him of course! He is my whole world. He’s been. so understanding and caring and supportive though, which just makes me feel even worse. This is why I eventually had to come clean to him about it. He’s been fantastic and I hate myself so much for hurting him because he’s just been so supportive and so kind and caring about this whole thing. I don’t deserve him 😢

Please help me shed some light on the truth? Was it truly rape? I don’t even know anymore. I get so many mixed messages and mixed feelings about it.

Thank you so much for reading this far.
Sorry if I haven’t made much sense.
Being raped doesn't necessarily mean you are beaten or bloody. Or even if you consented or not. The fact remains that if you were fully mentally able and said you didn't want this to happen. This is rape.
I was repeatedly raped over months. I was 14 years old and I thought I wanted it. I thought it was exciting. I was a child. I didnt fully understand what was happening. The fact that I was sexually abused as a child probably didn't help because I didnt know that sex was something else entirely to what was happening to me. I was groomed into having sex with a much older man. He is still running around today because the police messed it up. I got pregnant by him. And they said unless I had the baby there was no proof it was him. I was to mentally unhinged to have a child so my mother tricked me into an abortion. Admittedly it was for the right reason. But! They just let me go through it with no support afterwards. This was over 30 years ago so yes times were different. I only started dealing with it in my 30s.
Now my sister is dating this man's nephew and thinks im the one out of order for protesting about it. Go figure. So I dont bother with her now.
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
99
Location
Brazil
Im sorry that you wondered if you did enough. You were STRONG for keeping speaking even after all had started already, I dont understand how you "didnt do enough"

Do you feel like speaking about it? Cause theres not much room for self blame in this aspect, its good if you work this out
Best wishes :goodluck:
 
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