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Was this rape? **TRIGGER WARNING** Discusses rape & abuse

justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Ontario, Canada
TRIGGER WARNING:

Mention of rape and description of forced sexual activity in this thread.



Hello I’m new here.
I’m here to ask this because I genuinely don’t know. Apologies that this will be long.

So I’m 23 and a few years ago when I was a teenager, I was in an INCREDIBLY abusive relationship. It only lasted a few months and I did break up with him, but in those few short months, the things he did to me have left me with a lot of trauma. A lot of emotional, physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse. Just all of it. 😞
For a little more context and so you can hopefully understand my story a little more, I’m a transgender man (female to male), and I am gay; I currently have a wonderful, supportive husband.
(Note: I’m not interested in people’s personal issues or opinions or whatever about either of these facts, so please don’t bother going there in the replies. These facts however, are relevant to a part of the story.)

Anyway:
I was in this abusive relationship, and he did rape me.
This was proven to the police, and in a court of law. Obviously at first he denied it but then later confessed, and after a horrible and long ordeal, he was finally put in prison. However, there was an incident mere DAYS before the one which got him imprisoned...
I don’t know whether it was rape or not.

He had two best friends; one of whom was also his cousin. They weren’t particularly nice people either.
On this particular occasion, my then-boyfriend had these two friends over at the same time as me. We were all playing video games together.
But the three of them kept making sexual comments, whispering to each other and laughing.
Something about it all made me very uncomfortable, and I kept wishing they would leave.
At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, they were all standing up and the TV and console has been switched off.
My then-boyfriend was laying a towel down on his bed.
I figured his friends were now leaving.
My then-boyfriend held his arms out to me and pulled me against him to kiss me. Again, I was pretty uncomfortable doing this in front of his friends, so I gently pushed him away.
But he pulled me back and kept kissing me and his hands were wandering.
Again, got uncomfortable in front of his friends, and asked him if they were leaving now, and he laughed and said no, we were going to “put on a little show”?
I turned around and at this point, his friends were now sitting down...touching themselves!?
Obviously I got even MORE uncomfortable and told my then-boyfriend I wanted to be alone, just me and him. But he said no, it’s rude to ask his friends to go home, and besides I “needed to prove my trust in him”!? I said “are you kidding? You’re still trying to earn back my trust?” (He had cheated on me - a one off as far as I know, and had somehow manipulated me into giving him a second chance even though I had dumped him after finding out. He was VERY good at messing with my head.)
He said “this will prove it. This is something I would only ever do with someone special.” And I had no idea what he was talking about.
The next thing I remember, was his friends starting to grope me all over. I had recently had my top surgery (double mastectomy), and one of them said to my then-boyfriend “I thought you said he was trans? Where are his t**s?” And my then-boyfriend said “oh he had that surgery already.” Then that same friend went “ugh where’s the fun in that?! Oh well. We’ll have to make do with what’s there.” At that point my then-boyfriend told them I hadn’t had my ‘other surgery’ yet.
I freaked out at this point and said to his friends “I’m not here for anyone’s ‘fun’. I’m *insert name here*’s boyfriend; not yours!”
They laughed.
My then-boyfriend then took over and pushed me back on the bed...
The next thing I know, all three of them are on me from all angles! I couldn’t get up and I said I don’t want to, but they didn’t listen to me.
My then-boyfriend told them it’s fine and to go ahead. He doesn’t mind!
I said “well I mind!” But again nobody listened to me.
Then they took it in turns to have sex with me. I tried to get up but they would keep just pushing me back down again.
They were all pretty muscular and masculine guys and I had trouble pushing them off me. But I didn’t shout or scream or fight. I did try to get away but they would just drag me back in place and carry on like I was a rag doll...
Eventually I just stopped. I couldn’t do anything. I completely froze and was dazed, I remember feeling completely “out of it” even though I hadn’t been given anything to my knowledge?
I just... there are parts where I remember exactly what they were doing, and there are parts where I just draw a blank and don’t fully remember...
When they were all done with me, I just lay there and couldn’t move.
My then-boyfriend slapped me on the behind and said “good boy. You did really well. I’m proud of you”.
And I couldn’t even say anything.
Then his friends all got cleaned up and dressed again and left. My then-boyfriend told them “same time again next Saturday fellas. I’ll text you.”
The whole time it was happening, none of them spoke to me. They did everything with my then-boyfriend’s “permission” but not mine. They just passed me around between them. And I was so “out of it” in my head and my body just felt limp and like I had no control over it.

Anyway I’m sorry to go into such detail. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone. I’m so sorry if I did!
My question is, was this rape?
Because I did freeze and my mind went blank. I didn’t do enough to stop it but I definitely didn’t consent, and I didn’t want it.
I didn’t climax or anything like that. I know that much. I definitely didn’t enjoy it!
I know I was so stupid. I would never willingly sleep with more than just my romantic partner - I’m not that sort of person!
I feel like it’s all my fault though because I didn’t do enough.
I finally confessed all to my husband and a close female friend; both broke down in tears and said they were so sorry and that it was gang rape...
Was it?
I’m not entirely sure.
I did not consent to any of it, that much is true. But I froze and didn’t fight hard enough.
I quite literally didn’t feel like I could even move! I felt too light to move, if that makes sense?

Please can anyone shed some light on what you think this was? I really don’t know if it was rape or not? Since I froze like that and didn’t push them off me hard enough or protest loud enough. I didn’t want it I swear! They asked him instead of me, but...
I’m so confused. I’ve held on to this for years and I blame myself entirely.
I’ve never told anyone until now. They knew about him raping me on his own, though.

I feel like an idiot even asking, but I genuinely don’t know. The trauma from it has been eating me up and affecting me in various, very specific ways ever since.
I couldn’t hide it any longer.
It’s been causing me to act impulsively out of fear (fleeing the house and pushing my husband away - without meaning or wanting to! - at the slightest argument), avoiding certain things like gaming because of what was going on just before this took place, and just having awful thoughts and nightmares. It’s been getting worse and worse. I know I’m traumatized, whatever it was. I’ve been feeling so low and worthless and hopeless, just feeling dirty and disgusted in myself and like a sl*t... 😞
I hate myself so so much. I can’t bear it.
I know me fleeing the house at the slightest argument, and pushing my husband away is hurting him, and I hate myself even more for it. I don’t mean to hurt him of course! He is my whole world. He’s been. so understanding and caring and supportive though, which just makes me feel even worse. This is why I eventually had to come clean to him about it. He’s been fantastic and I hate myself so much for hurting him because he’s just been so supportive and so kind and caring about this whole thing. I don’t deserve him 😢

Please help me shed some light on the truth? Was it truly rape? I don’t even know anymore. I get so many mixed messages and mixed feelings about it.

Thank you so much for reading this far.
Sorry if I haven’t made much sense.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,524
Location
North Carolina
You didn't consent, it was rape. End of story. Their is no such thing as didnt fight enough against 3 grown men. Im very sorry that happened and im glad they're in prison. But yes they're should be no doubt in your mind.
 
L

Lostlady333

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
211
Location
Christchurch
TRIGGER WARNING:

Mention of rape and description of forced sexual activity in this thread.



Hello I’m new here.
I’m here to ask this because I genuinely don’t know. Apologies that this will be long.

So I’m 23 and a few years ago when I was a teenager, I was in an INCREDIBLY abusive relationship. It only lasted a few months and I did break up with him, but in those few short months, the things he did to me have left me with a lot of trauma. A lot of emotional, physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse. Just all of it. 😞
For a little more context and so you can hopefully understand my story a little more, I’m a transgender man (female to male), and I am gay; I currently have a wonderful, supportive husband.
(Note: I’m not interested in people’s personal issues or opinions or whatever about either of these facts, so please don’t bother going there in the replies. These facts however, are relevant to a part of the story.)

Anyway:
I was in this abusive relationship, and he did rape me.
This was proven to the police, and in a court of law. Obviously at first he denied it but then later confessed, and after a horrible and long ordeal, he was finally put in prison. However, there was an incident mere DAYS before the one which got him imprisoned...
I don’t know whether it was rape or not.

He had two best friends; one of whom was also his cousin. They weren’t particularly nice people either.
On this particular occasion, my then-boyfriend had these two friends over at the same time as me. We were all playing video games together.
But the three of them kept making sexual comments, whispering to each other and laughing.
Something about it all made me very uncomfortable, and I kept wishing they would leave.
At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, they were all standing up and the TV and console has been switched off.
My then-boyfriend was laying a towel down on his bed.
I figured his friends were now leaving.
My then-boyfriend held his arms out to me and pulled me against him to kiss me. Again, I was pretty uncomfortable doing this in front of his friends, so I gently pushed him away.
But he pulled me back and kept kissing me and his hands were wandering.
Again, got uncomfortable in front of his friends, and asked him if they were leaving now, and he laughed and said no, we were going to “put on a little show”?
I turned around and at this point, his friends were now sitting down...touching themselves!?
Obviously I got even MORE uncomfortable and told my then-boyfriend I wanted to be alone, just me and him. But he said no, it’s rude to ask his friends to go home, and besides I “needed to prove my trust in him”!? I said “are you kidding? You’re still trying to earn back my trust?” (He had cheated on me - a one off as far as I know, and had somehow manipulated me into giving him a second chance even though I had dumped him after finding out. He was VERY good at messing with my head.)
He said “this will prove it. This is something I would only ever do with someone special.” And I had no idea what he was talking about.
The next thing I remember, was his friends starting to grope me all over. I had recently had my top surgery (double mastectomy), and one of them said to my then-boyfriend “I thought you said he was trans? Where are his t**s?” And my then-boyfriend said “oh he had that surgery already.” Then that same friend went “ugh where’s the fun in that?! Oh well. We’ll have to make do with what’s there.” At that point my then-boyfriend told them I hadn’t had my ‘other surgery’ yet.
I freaked out at this point and said to his friends “I’m not here for anyone’s ‘fun’. I’m *insert name here*’s boyfriend; not yours!”
They laughed.
My then-boyfriend then took over and pushed me back on the bed...
The next thing I know, all three of them are on me from all angles! I couldn’t get up and I said I don’t want to, but they didn’t listen to me.
My then-boyfriend told them it’s fine and to go ahead. He doesn’t mind!
I said “well I mind!” But again nobody listened to me.
Then they took it in turns to have sex with me. I tried to get up but they would keep just pushing me back down again.
They were all pretty muscular and masculine guys and I had trouble pushing them off me. But I didn’t shout or scream or fight. I did try to get away but they would just drag me back in place and carry on like I was a rag doll...
Eventually I just stopped. I couldn’t do anything. I completely froze and was dazed, I remember feeling completely “out of it” even though I hadn’t been given anything to my knowledge?
I just... there are parts where I remember exactly what they were doing, and there are parts where I just draw a blank and don’t fully remember...
When they were all done with me, I just lay there and couldn’t move.
My then-boyfriend slapped me on the behind and said “good boy. You did really well. I’m proud of you”.
And I couldn’t even say anything.
Then his friends all got cleaned up and dressed again and left. My then-boyfriend told them “same time again next Saturday fellas. I’ll text you.”
The whole time it was happening, none of them spoke to me. They did everything with my then-boyfriend’s “permission” but not mine. They just passed me around between them. And I was so “out of it” in my head and my body just felt limp and like I had no control over it.

Anyway I’m sorry to go into such detail. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone. I’m so sorry if I did!
My question is, was this rape?
Because I did freeze and my mind went blank. I didn’t do enough to stop it but I definitely didn’t consent, and I didn’t want it.
I didn’t climax or anything like that. I know that much. I definitely didn’t enjoy it!
I know I was so stupid. I would never willingly sleep with more than just my romantic partner - I’m not that sort of person!
I feel like it’s all my fault though because I didn’t do enough.
I finally confessed all to my husband and a close female friend; both broke down in tears and said they were so sorry and that it was gang rape...
Was it?
I’m not entirely sure.
I did not consent to any of it, that much is true. But I froze and didn’t fight hard enough.
I quite literally didn’t feel like I could even move! I felt too light to move, if that makes sense?

Please can anyone shed some light on what you think this was? I really don’t know if it was rape or not? Since I froze like that and didn’t push them off me hard enough or protest loud enough. I didn’t want it I swear! They asked him instead of me, but...
I’m so confused. I’ve held on to this for years and I blame myself entirely.
I’ve never told anyone until now. They knew about him raping me on his own, though.

I feel like an idiot even asking, but I genuinely don’t know. The trauma from it has been eating me up and affecting me in various, very specific ways ever since.
I couldn’t hide it any longer.
It’s been causing me to act impulsively out of fear (fleeing the house and pushing my husband away - without meaning or wanting to! - at the slightest argument), avoiding certain things like gaming because of what was going on just before this took place, and just having awful thoughts and nightmares. It’s been getting worse and worse. I know I’m traumatized, whatever it was. I’ve been feeling so low and worthless and hopeless, just feeling dirty and disgusted in myself and like a sl*t... 😞
I hate myself so so much. I can’t bear it.
I know me fleeing the house at the slightest argument, and pushing my husband away is hurting him, and I hate myself even more for it. I don’t mean to hurt him of course! He is my whole world. He’s been. so understanding and caring and supportive though, which just makes me feel even worse. This is why I eventually had to come clean to him about it. He’s been fantastic and I hate myself so much for hurting him because he’s just been so supportive and so kind and caring about this whole thing. I don’t deserve him 😢

Please help me shed some light on the truth? Was it truly rape? I don’t even know anymore. I get so many mixed messages and mixed feelings about it.

Thank you so much for reading this far.
Sorry if I haven’t made much sense.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It was non consensual , so yes definitely rape. My story is a little different to yours, but still rape. I really hope with some help you can heal from this.
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

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Hi @justasimplecat welcome to the forum :welcome:

That sounds horrific. And yes that most certainly is rape. Your reaction is quite a common reaction to being raped. Especially by people we know. I don't know why we feel like if we don't physically fight and scream as if it is somehow our fault. Like we have allowed it to happen. It was obvious to them that you did not want this, yet they did it anyway.

Please don't question yourself over how you responded to being treat this way. What you did was a form of protection to yourself. Going inward, is just a way we use to remove ourselves from what is happening to us and our bodies at that time. I have done this on many occasions myself. It took a lot of time for me to stop blaming myself.

Sending hugs :hug:
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

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Just to add to my above post. I know you did try and fight it, but realized you couldn't get away from them. The reaction you then had was the only one left available to you :hug:
 
J

jamraspberry

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Joined
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
310
Location
Somewhere
@justasimplecat *hugs*
Sorry what you went through. I was raped by a former classmate, years on and it still hurts emotionally. I wish I had the guts to take my rapist to court like what you did. I just try to move on nowadays.
 
sam999

sam999

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2020
Messages
72
Location
Canada
i am so sorry you had to go through this but it is NOT your fault. dont blame yourself for it. also it is rape yes.
 
justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Ontario, Canada
Thank you all for your replies.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to answer. I’ve been trying to process everything, and apparently failing to.
I had a huge breakdown after seeing that so many have said it was definitely the R-word...
I just fell apart. I haven’t been able to stop crying and shaking in hours, when awake. I’ve been napping/sleeping a lot. Every time I wake up, I just cry even more.
And then I don’t know why but I can’t even speak. I’ve lost the ability to vocalize all of a sudden! Usually I’m pretty chatty, especially with my husband, but now I just physically can’t talk! I have also harmed myself today.
A relative who is living with us helped me clean up but I refused hospital.
I have just fallen apart. This is exactly why I didn’t want to speak out, but I was acting so “off” with my husband due to my triggers, and the sort of pushing-people-away crap that they cause, and it was hurting him so I had to tell him. It was only fair that he knew, and I don’t ever want to hurt him. I want to be a better husband to him, because he is the best.
Now I can’t even verbally speak to him! Let alone anyone else.
I do currently see a therapist (over video at the moment of course due to the shutdown in my province). But how can I even speak to her now if I can’t even speak?
I’m so broken. I was expecting to be told that yes it was my fault, I should have done more, or that I was overreacting/overthinking things. God I’m so so stupid!
 
MoonShapedPool

MoonShapedPool

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Location
Lancashire
I can`t offer any advice,simplecat..But Please.Please stop blaming yourself!
You did absolutely nothing wrong.I really hope you get some help with this horrible incident.
 
justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Ontario, Canada
I can`t offer any advice,simplecat..But Please.Please stop blaming yourself!
You did absolutely nothing wrong.I really hope you get some help with this horrible incident.
Thank you. I’m already seeing a therapist (over video). I don’t know that there is anything else I can do, since it’s far too late to report it. I don’t have any evidence now 😞
Unfortunately I do blame myself. I feel like I should’ve done more to get them off of me instead of just freezing like that...
 
T

toto

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929
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München
It's not your fault. Stress makes your body tingle and your strength is halved. Sometimes you can faint from stress. With three boys, you have to be a ninja to get out. I would take a karate course. I hope you can stop thinking and focus on the present.
 
justasimplecat

justasimplecat

Member
Joined
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Messages
7
Location
Ontario, Canada
I don’t know if it was stress exactly? Shock and fear more likely? I don’t know.
Hmm unfortunately trauma doesn’t work like that... I wish I could just stop thinking and focus on the present, but I have PTSD, so I literally can’t just stop thinking about it. If I could, I wouldn’t be diagnosed with PTSD...
 
T

toto

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Joined
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Messages
929
Location
München
To understand. I think you need someone to encourage you to stop thinking about it. It is good that you use the services of a therapist. Write if you can't speak. Describing feelings is very useful. And whether it's stress / shock ... it doesn't matter, I just chose the wrong word. It has happened to me that I get so stress that I can't stand up. My daughter's nose was bleeding, her whole face was covered in blood, and I couldn't stand up to help her.
 
T

toto

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Joined
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Messages
929
Location
München
It happened while he was sleeping. At the sight of this, I tried to stand up several times, but it blackened me. Good thing my husband was there to help her. Maybe self-blame causes post-traumatic stress? It won't be fair to ruin your life for some idiots. It's good that you put them in jail.
 
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