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Was this a psychotic episode, onset of schizophrenia, bipolar?

  • Thread starter ChronologicalQuarter
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ChronologicalQuarter

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So, around April of this year I experienced what was assumed to be a psychotic break. Im 21 years old, was diagnosed ADHD, conduct and bipolar all before age 10. I've been diagnosed Bipolar 1 (rediagnosed in foster care at age 17)
for about 10 years, complex PTSD, persistent depression, parent-child relation issues and so on and so forth.
My mother is Schizoaffective, both uncles are diagnosed as well and my sister is full Schizophrenic with "do not record me" signs on her doors, thinks ATT is spying on her and calls the police regarding the 'bugs' aka listening devices someone put in her house.

During a night in April, I went into a 6 hour long episode that was a complete break from reality.
(This actually continued until November.)
I dont remember this, but at the same time know it happened- sort of as if through muscle memory and looking as a third person type view.

It was late one evening, I was coloring with my wife one of her favorite bonding activities and just zoned off. I thought I'd been staring at it too long, I saw like I was in a fish bowl, so I used eyedrops. No drugs or alcohol within 2 months and then it was just weed before.
Started to free draw and scribbling off the lines. I started making absurd and dark shapes which changed, and morphed and became one thing into another into another.
Exact lines as if they were intentional and concious, detailed and done in a way I can't actually draw, I was talking to them out of range from my wifes voice, answering her back in a dull and monotone voice and answers that didnt make sense-- answering her swift and chop to get back to my multiple conversations I was already having.
Telling them to calm down, wait their turn, to come back and quiet down-among other things. I'd spend half an hour scouring through the lines trying to find where one went or was hiding. Mad they left, exasperated.
One request towards the end was an odd one that struck a bell with me.
Specifically they had, or wanted silver eyes. Even now I know that is something I heard a long time ago but cant place, the silver eyes.

I just kept circling the black pen for hours, talking to them. I'm not sure how I “came back”. After that, it got really bad and really fast.

The voices, I'd never had quite as noticable or distinguished before. I'd hide, afraid to leave the house or under blankets afraid someone was coming, never a certain fear just a doom feelings. Whatever was coming, whoever would bring the end. Aggression, memory loss, paranoia and personality changes.
I thought the kids in the neighborhood were always staring, always judging me and “frowning", they stood in a line-- the youngest to oldest.
Every day I'd drive home and get angrier everytime I saw them until I was foaming at the mouth, cussing out my window.
I dont think they ever actually looked at me.
I sped, pulled dangerous maneuvers and ran lights at intersections. I've never done this. I stopped driving and still dont because of the fear I'd react like this.

As time progressed, I saw the figures I drew standing outside in the street in a small crowd every night. I was convinced I was safe if I didnt listen for them, try to hear or catch what they said and safe if I didnt go outside at night. They couldnt reach me on the second story, so at night I wouldn't go downstairs either. The lights would always have to be on.

They never left, they followed me and waited for me at three different homes I lived in--over about six months. The last house it took them a while to show up. They were taller then.

Eventually, they talked. Whispers from the windows on the first floor telling me to come outside, then the voices of friends acting like they were real and needing my help with something outside.

One night, I went out. I saw all of them in the back yard, the figures tell and black. Like a black animated sketch with just lines and eyes. One specifically stood out, from the drawing, he felt powerful and reminded me of the undertaker. Fur Cape, feather shoulder pads, long black hair. He had a figure, defined with different tones not just black. His eyes were silver and he started coming towards me, ran inside and upstairs and jumped in bed, covering my ears with my knees on my chest. 5-6 voices at once, more than ever, overlapping and female. They were on the roof, the closed windows were wide open to me, louder and louder as they were up the stairs, one behind the dresser. 6 on each window ledge, climbing in. They were never able to come inside, never able to come upstairs before, I never had to scream shut up before this. They surrounded me, my eyes closed but I could feel them towering and closing in.

I dont remember much, hazy after. I went outside and stood there, my one roomate had security cameras where I was able to watch it over later. I waved at something off in the dark, automated steps and wide blank eyes. I came inside and starred into nothing for 3 hours before being brought to bed by my bestfriend who'd seen me like this just once before over four years. Gave me some of my medicine which I hadnt been taking.

Since then, nothing has happened. My memory is better, no mood swings or voices or hallucinations. I feel like it's starting to resurface, 2-3 months later I can feel it oddly and faintly starting to click again, everything make sense and feel real again.
Less like a foggy dream and more like a memory.
 

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linus

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Wow, quite a story you lived. If this was only for some hours I guess you can hardly call it a psychotic episode, maybe you were very tired, maybe a mix of things that put you at the edge, but as far as my understanding a psychotic episode would last at least for several days until you get some help or “wake up” from it. Btw, please stay away from weed.
 
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ChronologicalQuarter

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Wow, quite a story you lived. If this was only for some hours I guess you can hardly call it a psychotic episode, maybe you were very tired, maybe a mix of things that put you at the edge, but as far as my understanding a psychotic episode would last at least for several days until you get some help or “wake up” from it. Btw, please stay away from weed.
The first where I spaced and drew it out, was only 6 hours-- but it went on from April till middle of November. And I dont smoke it really, gives me panic attacks. I went and was admitted for a week and got home and it still continued.
 
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linus

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Sorry, I passed over the text in the brackets, my bad. Beside this episode how do you define yourself? What is that you do? Do you feel socially integrated?
 
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ChronologicalQuarter

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Typically I work in healthcare, preferably hospitals. It's easy for me to get along with anybody, men scare me but I can anticipate their almost every move and coordinate to that. I dont have any empathy, despite working in a hospital. I can't feel much emotion but I was also raised to believe that they werent real, my dad told me it was all in my head, what I felt wasnt what real and what I thought wasnt either. It was the 'crazy' that made me that way and I listened. But I feel I can excel or at least blend into any social setting. I always play neutral in any scenario.
 
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