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Was it sexual harassment ?

M

Miliana

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Apr 25, 2020
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20
Location
France
This is very embarrassing to write and to remember,

When I was late 14, I had a boyfriend
he was my age and very often asked me for sexual favors. He asked me to suck his you-know-what for his birthday, if not he mocked that he would stop talking to me. He asked me very often when are we going to do it together when it's been 2/3 months that we were together and I was only 14 years old, for me it was too early.

One day I came to his house and before I came he asked me if he could touch my breast.
If I remember correctly I said no several times, but in the end I accepted.
The day has come and I did everything to delay what he wanted, I found it uncomfortable but it was okay because I said yes already.
After he did it, a few minutes later he started to come closer to me, he was touching my legs and rubbing his head against my neck, he wanted to kiss me, and more I presume, I did not move and did not said anything, I was trembling and looking at my phone.
When I turned my head before he kissed me, because I couldn't take it anymore he stopped. He said I was too innocent. And when I left, he didn't walk me back home. ( I didn't knew the way actually but I got home, yay !)

I never thought about much because I thought this was normal, no big deal, but it was on my thoughts the whole day and I wanted to share it, to free myself again.

I am sorry for mistakes I'm not english !
 
Faith198

Faith198

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Sounds like it at some parts, because really on your end it was unwanted even though you gave him the ok some of the time. He was pressuring you to do something you weren’t ready to do which isn’t right on his end. I had a similar scenario happen to me in high school. I’m sorry you went through that.
 
D

dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
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1,177
Your English is great, don't worry.
And this is definitely 100% sexual assault, not only sexual harassment.
This makes me sad to read. I am really sorry you went through this at a young age and when you did not feel ready. He knew you were not comfortable and did not consent.
The best you can do is try to talk through the effect this has had on you with a therapist who is skilled in dealing with sexual assault. Please do seek help on this.
 
D

dewey

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Sounds like it at some parts, because really on your end it was unwanted even though you gave him the ok some of the time. He was pressuring you to do something you weren’t ready to do which isn’t right on his end. I had a similar scenario happen to me in high school. I’m sorry you went through that.
I disagree with some of what you said - that it was ok because she gave him the ok some of the time - he was pressurising her, yet even she said yes at one point, it was clear this was due to the pressure he put on her and she clearly said no several times, he knew this but continued to pressure her until she said yes. She was at a vulnerable age and clearly did not know she had the right to say no, thus she eventually consented. He would have known she was uncomfortable but still continued despite this.
This is a no consent situation. Sometimes saying yes isn't as clear and easy as saying yes and this is one of those situations
 
M

Miliana

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
20
Location
France
I disagree with some of what you said - that it was ok because she gave him the ok some of the time - he was pressurising her, yet even she said yes at one point, it was clear this was due to the pressure he put on her and she clearly said no several times, he knew this but continued to pressure her until she said yes. She was at a vulnerable age and clearly did not know she had the right to say no, thus she eventually consented. He would have known she was uncomfortable but still continued despite this.
This is a no consent situation. Sometimes saying yes isn't as clear and easy as saying yes and this is one of those situations
Thank you for opening my eyes on this matter, I really thought that it was unimportant. Thank you again, all the best !!
 
Faith198

Faith198

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I disagree with some of what you said - that it was ok because she gave him the ok some of the time - he was pressurising her, yet even she said yes at one point, it was clear this was due to the pressure he put on her and she clearly said no several times, he knew this but continued to pressure her until she said yes. She was at a vulnerable age and clearly did not know she had the right to say no, thus she eventually consented. He would have known she was uncomfortable but still continued despite this.
This is a no consent situation. Sometimes saying yes isn't as clear and easy as saying yes and this is one of those situations
Im sorry, I didn’t mean to give her or anyone the wrong advice, I don’t agree with any of what he did. You are correct I just didn’t know if it was still considered that even though she said it was ok some of the time. He basically forced himself upon her.
 
D

dewey

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Thank you for opening my eyes on this matter, I really thought that it was unimportant. Thank you again, all the best !!
sorry you had to go through this. All the best too
 
D

dewey

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Im sorry, I didn’t mean to give her or anyone the wrong advice, I don’t agree with any of what he did. You are correct I just didn’t know if it was still considered that even though she said it was ok some of the time. He basically forced himself upon her.
Don't worry - I totally understand where you are coming from, because if someone says it's okay some of the time, it becomes complicated, but I believe that we must look at the wider situation.

There is a lot of confusion about consent, but at the same time, it is perfectly clear.

I believe the perpetrator always knows when the person is not comfortable, and they are pressurising the person, they just choose to ignore it, for their own purposes, if that makes sense.

I do believe if someone says no even once, then the person should not continue to pressurise them. If someone says no, then they should accept that no, and stop pressurising at that point. They should wait until the other person actively chooses to say yes, of their own accord. Otherwise through pressurising, the 'yes' is never a clear yes.

And also if someone is frozen, or trembling, as the girl describes, the other person should visually be able to see they are not comfortable. It is quite clear when someone is not comfortable.
 
Faith198

Faith198

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Joined
Mar 30, 2020
Messages
963
Location
U.S.
Don't worry - I totally understand where you are coming from, because if someone says it's okay some of the time, it becomes complicated, but I believe that we must look at the wider situation.

There is a lot of confusion about consent, but at the same time, it is perfectly clear.

I believe the perpetrator always knows when the person is not comfortable, and they are pressurising the person, they just choose to ignore it, for their own purposes, if that makes sense.

I do believe if someone says no even once, then the person should not continue to pressurise them. If someone says no, then they should accept that no, and stop pressurising at that point. They should wait until the other person actively chooses to say yes, of their own accord. Otherwise through pressurising, the 'yes' is never a clear yes.

And also if someone is frozen, or trembling, as the girl describes, the other person should visually be able to see they are not comfortable. It is quite clear when someone is not comfortable.
yes I agree with that. Because there have been times where I agreed to do something but deep down inside, I wasn’t comfortable with it. I’m sure it showed too. I’m just worried now because I don’t want her to think what happened to her was ok. I completely take back what I said now that you’ve made it clear to me.
 
N

Nukelavee

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London, ON
yes I agree with that. Because there have been times where I agreed to do something but deep down inside, I wasn’t comfortable with it. I’m sure it showed too. I’m just worried now because I don’t want her to think what happened to her was ok. I completely take back what I said now that you’ve made it clear to me.
Honestly, most people don't want to outright tell another "that was sexual abuse"; like, it's a natural thing to want to make a big deal seem less bad, because we wish it wasn't a big deal.

What I'm saying is that, it's easy to accidentally minimize an experience through good intentions. The important thing is to realize you were mistaken.
 
Faith198

Faith198

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Joined
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Messages
963
Location
U.S.
Honestly, most people don't want to outright tell another "that was sexual abuse"; like, it's a natural thing to want to make a big deal seem less bad, because we wish it wasn't a big deal.

What I'm saying is that, it's easy to accidentally minimize an experience through good intentions. The important thing is to realize you were mistaken.
yes you’re right, I’d never want to minimize someone’s experience and it wasn’t my intention to. I was really upset with myself that I came across that way. I’d NEVER want to make someone feel that way. I’m glad someone took the time to correct me because I’m young and still learning so I was unsure.
 
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