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Was I wrong for feeling this way about this particular situation?

PsychoBumby93

PsychoBumby93

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Detroit
Hi

I hope that everyone on here is having an amazing afternoon. I am deciding to post this thread because I need some clarity on a situation.

There is something that has been really heavy on my mind for the past few days. I am not entirely sure why its heavy on my mind but I just can't stop thinking about it.

About 16 years ago, my grandmother had passed away. My grandma had been in an assisted living home since the late 70's due to alcoholism. The owner of the assisted living home passed away about 20 years before my grandmother did and well the owner's kids treated my grandma like absolute dirt.

Around the time that I was born, my mom went to court and tried to get my grandma to come live with us. My mom was the most responsible of my grandma's 3 children. My grandmother didn't want to live with us because she didn't want to be a burden. My grandma was maybe in her 60's at that time, so my mom couldn't really do anything to force her to live with us.

I was 10 when my grandmother passed away. My grandmother actually passed away 2 days before my 11th birthday. I did not take it very well for obvious reasons. I blamed my cousin immensely for my grandmother's passing.

Here is why I felt that way:

The night that my grandmother passed away, nobody could get my cousin on the phone. Like it was like he went ghost.

When my mother was finally able to get ahold of my cousin and told him that my grandmother had passed away, he barely shed a tear. Like nothing came out.

It was pretty well known in the family that my cousin was borrowing money from my grandmother and not paying it back and was using the money to actually smoke dope with the people who were supposed to be taking care of my grandma.

There was a rumor that if my mom had went to my grandmother's funeral, the people who were supposedly taking care of my grandmother were going to beat her up and my cousin was going to be at the helm of it.

My cousin was over at that house all the time and he knew that my grandma was being abused but he wanted his fix and I blamed him for years for choosing drugs over my grandma.

My mom tried her best to keep up contact with my grandma but the people who were taking care of her moved every few months and didn't leave an address and constantly changed their phone number. It was literally like pulling teeth to get a phone number for my grandma.

The last time that I saw my grandma was maybe a year before she died and she was already deep in dementia and was actually sitting in her own piss and stuck in a room. They didn't even comb her hair, it was a fucking mess.

Because of how limited our contact with my grandma was, we didn't find out that she was on life support until the last day of her life. Like literally 4 to 5 hours before she passed away, we found out that she was in the hospital. It was septic shock that killed her and 16 years later, I still have no idea what that even means.

Me and my mom found out after my grandma passed away how much she was being abused. Apparently she was thrown in a bathtub. There was a car accident. Someone beat her up. My grandma was being starved. There might have been a mild heart attack because she walked in on a 700 lb man having sex with the owner of the assisted living facility.

After my grandma passed away, I really grew to hate my cousin. I blamed him immensely for my grandmother's passing. My cousin knew that my grandma was on her last legs and didn't even say anything.

Everytime I saw my cousin after that, I called him a dumbass. It didn't matter the situation, I would call him a dumbass. I never wanted him to forget what happened to our grandmother. I could not let him forget.

Everytime that I saw my cousin after my grandma passed away, it was a source of contention. My feelings about losing my grandmother were written off because I do have ADHD. It was almost as if because I had this shitty chemical imbalance, that I wasn't allowed to be upset about my losing my grandmother. It was almost as if I wasn't allowed to be able to feel anything.

Now when I look back at it, I am thinking that maybe someone should have put me in bereavement therapy and not act like my feelings didn't matter cause I have this shitty birth defect but I digress.

My cousin has always proclaimed up and down that he didn't deal with those people who were so called taking care of our grandmother but everyone knew in the family that he was using drugs with them.

I tried to bury the hatch with my cousin around maybe 2009. My cousin was homeless and got a crackhead pregnant and they needed a place to stay. I told my mom that they needed to stay with us because no matter what my cousin did, he was still family. My mom was not going for it because she knew he was on drugs and mama's house, mama's rules.

I am not entirely sure why I did it but after that, I called CPS on him. I am not sure if I did that cause of a slight mental break or cause I was being spiteful or cause he was on drugs real bad but I tried to get his kids taken away from him.

By some twist of fate, CPS ended up opening up a case. Apparently the mother gave birth early with drugs in her system. My cousin didn't want CPS involved in his business and so he moved an entire state away with the crackhead and the babies. Oh and yes I said babies....the mother had twin boys.

I have not talked to my cousin since at least maybe 2011. I know that I sent him a message on facebook when I graduated from high school and tried to make amends and that ended in an argument.

I sent him a message on facebook when my mother had first gotten diagnosed with cancer and he didn't even answer me back and was not there for the last 6 weeks of my mother's life.

My cousin and my mother had a tumultuous relationship in the last few years of her life because she was trying to keep him from his biological mother who is her sister and also a hardcore drug addict and he wanted contact with his mother.

My biological aunt is the kind of person that would steal from her own mother and has stolen from her own mother. My mother spent most of my cousin's life attempting to keep him from that kind of drama.

The last time that my cousin actually had a phone call with my mother, he cussed her out because she was trying to protect him.

I wish that there was not a rift between me and my cousin. I wish that I had a time machine so that I could go back and fix everything. I honestly wish that I was not born because I feel my whole existence is the reason why so much stuff happened.

I hate myself for the rift. I know that my mother and my grandma and even his foster mother wouldn't want a rift. I wish that I could make it right. Things shouldn't have gotten as out of control as they did. I regret everything that I did. I just wish that my cousin would make some sort of an attempt to fix this. I just want him to admit to knowing that our grandmother was sick.

Should I even attempt to fix the rift? Is it possible to fix the rift? Why am I still so effected by my grandma's passing even now? Why can't I just forgive my cousin? Do I feel still this way because of my ADHD? Are my feelings real, even in the midst of having a chemical imbalance?

It has been 16 years, why can't I move past this?
 
LittleMissNameless

LittleMissNameless

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
453
Location
canada
Please seek therapy not being able to move on must be hard for you and going to therapy will probably help.

As for the relationship with your cousin: i think you should call it quits. At the very least untill you work through this with a therapist or you run the risk of repeating the cycle.

Im sorry for your the loss of your grandma and mother i cant even imagine that kind of loss.
 
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