• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Was I indirectly screwed up by my father?

P

power_sap

New member
Joined
Oct 9, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Germany
Hello there,

I'd like to share a current theory of mine as to how my life turned into a textbook clusterf***. I'm a 35 year old male virgin; fortunately, my social incompetence hasn't had a devastating impact on my financial / job security as I'm a teacher, which seems to come naturally to me.

Still, I've been asking myself how come women seem unattainable to me, and I'd like to redirect my this question to all of you, tap into the wisdom of the crowd, so to say.

My now 78 year old father has always acted utterly irresponsibly: when our bank account was frozen and our assets were in danger of being seized by the bank, he chose to hide in the woods (literally) and catch up on his reading instead of facing the bailiff who made it a habit of knocking on our door almost twice a week, thereby terrorizing my mother.

Nowadays, as my mother is dying of cancer he keeps bringing up her past sins - most of which are made up, by the way, and even assaulting her, which I can't prevent from happening since I live over 1500 km away from them and police has taken her call half-seriously, at best. I'm well aware that my father might also suffer from dementia since his overall behavior is erratic and incoherent at times, none of which nullifies or attenuates the resentment I harbor for him, however.

What I'm actually concerned with is this: when I was about 10 years old, my father's desperate need for friendship led him to regularly inviting over a neighbor of ours - an insurance agent who would entertain him with detailed accounts of his sexual conquests. This was my first exposure to women, and it occurred in the most profane and toxic way conceivable. Ever since his narratives seeped into my subconscious, I couldn't see women for who they are: human beings. Instead, I either idolized or judged them harshly. All of my interactions with the fairer sex remained surface level. It's as though they can sense that there's no 'forward impetus' within me, no urge 'to make it happen', so to speak. I'm mostly being overlooked, which I certainly won't blame on them but rather on my (lacking?) self.

But is it even remotely possible that the childhood encounters detailed above have turned me into a husk without the least bit of charisma / sexual appeal? Not that any answer could ever make up for lost time, obviously. I'm just curious as there's not much left that intrigues me any longer.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,290
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. I am very sorry to read of all you have experienced. I can understand you wanting answers. I think the best thing would be to see a therapist. You can work through this together to make sense of being an impressionable child who was exposed to that.
 
Top