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Was i ever so happy

Russet

Russet

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2016
Messages
59
I have been asleep since i last posted and i don't really know when that was. It was unlikely as long ago as i feel it was. Not much has happened to be honest with you as my life is same old same old. I do long for that manic energy and optimism again but after it ends i always feel like it will never, ever, return. If i thought stopping my medication would bring it on, i'd bring it on, but i would hit the floor. This medication is most definitely keeping me as up as possible and i am not feeling that well but i am starting to get out of these four walls again which i have not been able to do for months. I can drive when depressed but not when manic. When not too depressed to get dressed that is.

This time of year it does feel normal to feel like this. Everything has slowed, including my mind. Anyone who has had racing thoughts knows that this depressed emptiness of mind is a very nice change. I can ride depression out as long as they are not accompanied by racing thoughts.

Benefits scare me though and they are always just around the corner. I was going to say coroner then, Freudian slip much! I don't see this life as worthwhile with the benefit fears but i also don't see it as worthwhile if i am not in work. I wish there was a compromise but there is not. I don't know how universal credit works but i am not on it anyway. The country's finances appear to be up sh£t creek though and i think us loafers/scrougers/idle/lazy/languishers, or whatever the latest name for us is, are going to continue to be targeted. I am still on dla too and i could survive without it, but if my esa were to reduce to jsa level, i would be in trouble. I would have to sell my car as i could not afford the insurance and repairs and my car is my ticket to work as i had to drive around the county for my work visiting clients and i cannot imagine what else i would do that would pay as well.

There is more to it all as there usually is. It is not a black and white issue for me and next year could see me dead by accidental overdose or accidental accident, or living on the streets. I was homeless once before and lost so much, i don't think i could pick myself up again. I could pick myself up, but not up into living normally plus working too. Life not in work feels pointless though and i am very alone here. Everybody has their busy and full life and i am here trying not to appear feeble and a loner because loners kill young politicians don't they? A friend mentioned to me yesterday that many people with depression who live alone are killing the public in one way or another. My friends are actually looking at me as a potential killer now. I don't think they would let me fly their plane, drive them in their car or sit in a room with me and a sharp object.
 
Russet

Russet

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2016
Messages
59
I am not buzzed by the way.
 
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