- Mar 20, 2020
I woke up today after a night of aggravating stomach pain, I honestly felt like I ruined mother's day. My mother understood why I had slept in and so I went back to bed shortly after we ate dinner. Today I felt my brain had been emptied out somehow, there wasn't anyone there? Usually, I have interesting thoughts and opinions but since the beginning of the year, they don't exist. I've been living each day with that same numbness and can't seem to channel it into anything but useless babbling. I feel as though I'm judging everyone but myself and seem to resist time alone due to painful revelations. How come I haven't moved on? How come everyone's realizing their truth and I haven't? Why am I so unbelievably stuck? I just stormed out of bed after whirling inside my head and just started aggressively cleaning my bedroom. I consider myself an adaptable person and have a need for constant change, so being stuck in a depressive episode feels having my lungs filled with water or being barely alive. It has been 7 years of on and off self-deprecation that seemed to always shift from serious to minuscule each given day. Now, at 21, it feels like it's beginning to become internalized because being an open book makes me look "overdramatic" and "unconvincing." Truthfully, I just find it emotionally exhausting, and now when I'm upset, I just get very quiet. I've hit that point in my life where I want solitude and nothing else, that the attention I thought I wanted is only making my emotional health worse. I don't if I'm desiring to retrieve into my own world is an act of resistance or a sign of depression, but honestly, I don't care. If I truly need time to myself to figure who I am, then so be it! I tired of parading around my mental health because it's literally becoming a painful joke on my part and if it did matter to anyone else, then how come I have no friends? I think I need to learn to value my time alone instead of looking for someone who'll distract me from my depression. I need to realize it's there and it will be until I decide to accept it because nobody else will!!