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Want to SH..

KaoticKiss

KaoticKiss

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Joined
Nov 11, 2020
Messages
116
Location
Charlotte, NC
I….I’m not normally one who SH. It’s when I have near psychotic episodes where I feel so overwhelmed with painful thoughts that it turns inward and the thoughts of hurting myself flood my brain. I feel compelled to do it just to try and stop those disturbing thoughts. I don’t want to see such horrible images in my head. Now my anger at myself is so overwhelming I fear……I fear it may turn outward and I’ll verbally attack people. People who have done nothing wrong but are just innocent bistanders in my fit of red eyed psychotic madness. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Least of all hurt myself.

God, I’m so sick.
 
KaoticKiss

KaoticKiss

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2020
Messages
116
Location
Charlotte, NC
I’m self harming now…..it’s more compulsive than anything. An outlet for my anger when it reaches boiling point. It’s nothing serious, nothing that needs medical attention. Not even bandages. More or less blunt force trauma. Fists. Can I say that much? Sorry if I broke a rule.

I just need help.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
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Hey, KaoticKiss, really sorry that you're in the thick of it. Been there many many times. Are you familiar with dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) at all? It has skills that you can use really quickly when you're in this mindset that can help you before you get to that point. Even a quick distraction like something funny to watch or uplifting music. A cold shower, rubber band on the wrist, intense exercise, dipping your face in ice cold water. There are all types of skills to use, you don't need to resort to the SH. Can you try to look it up on YouTube/online for some information on it?
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Messages
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You can get through it. It's been about 1.5 years since my last, and the longer you go, the more confident you can get that you don't need to do it to make it through. Pat yourself on the back every time you make it through, but also don't be hard on yourself if you do. Shame or guilt are the last things we need.
 
KaoticKiss

KaoticKiss

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2020
Messages
116
Location
Charlotte, NC
I uh…did it again….the cold way….I guess I’m salty. Anyways, I couldn’t do it for long. I’m not much for pain. I’m a failure at even doing this.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
Messages
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Location
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You OK? If you didn't do it for long, you didn't fail, you succeeded. That is good, and I hope you can give yourself some credit for it. Did you look into the DBT stuff at all, the ways you can take the intensity down when you're feeling like SH? It's kind of nice to just turn on YouTube and see these skills, esp the simple ones that don't take a lot of effort when you don't have it in you. So many people use these, as do I, and they truly can help you get out of that zone where your mind is telling you to do something destructive.
 
KaoticKiss

KaoticKiss

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2020
Messages
116
Location
Charlotte, NC
I’m not ok. Not at all. I’m being alienated at work.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
Messages
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Location
US
I'm sorry. Any chance of getting out of there and getting another job? How are they alienating you?
 
KaoticKiss

KaoticKiss

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Joined
Nov 11, 2020
Messages
116
Location
Charlotte, NC
They closed the store group chat I was for work and made a new one and purposefully didn’t invite me. Then they lied about it not existing.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Why would they do that? Are you certain?
 
KaoticKiss

KaoticKiss

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2020
Messages
116
Location
Charlotte, NC
Because I’m not right in the head? Because I’m not good at being social? Hell if I know. I just know it’s really what’s going on and I’ll always be an outcast….
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
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Yeah, I feel that way too. Like no matter what I do or where I go, I never feel like I'm accepted. There are a lot of us outcasts on here. I'm really sorry.
 
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