• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Walking away from a toxic relationship

2

2156waters

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2010
Messages
4
Firstly , I apologise if this is in the wrong section , feel free to move it if I've not put it in the correct room

Secondly I wan't to apologise if this seems like a trivial post or me being over sensitive to things/people , I don't mean to offend anyone , I simply would love some help or direction on how to help myself.

I think all my problems boil down to self confidence and my huge lack of it and my real need to find affection from any source.
I over analyse and over think everything I do , other people do and things I am going to do incase in the end they get thought about or come across in the wrong way.

Last year I met a man , he's 30 years my senior , I met him through other friends. Firstly I had no opinion of him whatsoever , I was uncomfortable round him because it was awkward. We swapped email/fb names and kept in contact over Facebook for a couple of months exchanging jokes and general conversation.

In March of last year I was having a rough time , felt like I had no-one to turn too and he was there , he passed his number on over email and he rang me straight away and stayed on the phone to me until we had talked alot of things through.

These phone calls carried on over a period of 6 months , he was now in the ultimate position of trust , he knew/knows alot more about me than anyone else did because I did trust him with alot , he always had kind words and comfort when I needed them. He was probably the only person that could make me smile , just the sound of his voice would have this effect.

In October last year I went up to see him (he lives 300 miles away) and I stupidly ended up sleeping with him. Now he has a reputation for being an absolute dog and I can't say that I was naive enough to believe he wouldn't try it on with me.

I turned him down to start with but then just thought 'F^ck it , you only live once' and ended up having sex with him. Obviously we are two consenting parties and that isn't the issue and I must stress I never said No .. because what I am going to say usually makes it sound worse.

This wasn't your ordinary boring old spur of the moment quicky.
He bit me , quite badly infact .. bad enough for me to have to go to A&E to have a tetnus booster and a course of anti-biotics..! I thought nothing of it , thought it was fine and that , that is an acceptable way for a man to treat someone but after seeing me/photos of what I ended up looking like (I looked like I had been beaten up - swollen face/fat lip etc) people did convince me that it really wasn't normal and that he was someone that I shouldn't be socialising with.

A month passed and our relationship became very frosty because I couldn't deal with him/what had happened.. I wasn't sure how to react , or how to act at all .

I went to stay with mutual friends of ours and I confided in them that this had happened and that I wasn't really sure what to do about it anymore.
To my surprise they admitted that he has a history of biting/violence and that every time it happens , it gets a little bit worse. Friends were disgusted in him and revealed that they suspect that he had been manipulating me and using all the things I had confided in him to his advantage and leverage to , in the end sleep with me.

This in itself has knocked me for six , it has really stripped that last bit of confidence away that I did have . I am not beautiful , I have an awful figure and an awful personality to match it all. The fact that he manipulated me into feeling that he thought I was worth looking at has made me even more self concious , paranoid and has left my self esteem in tatters.

The problem is , is that I have strong feeling for this man. Because when I was vunerable he looked after me I have fallen for him and cannot leave them behind and carry on with my life.. the people I have told about this can see he is absoloutely no good for me , he is also married .. has been for the last 10 years , he also has children older than myself. I am aware that our relationship would never progress past him using me for sex but still I crawl back to him because I believe he is the only one that could even pretend to have feelings for me.

I really feel this is putting a stop to my life and i've left everything on hold because something is holding me back and making me want to cling for him for support .
Everytime there is a problem I run back to him and give him even more ammunition and leverage over me.

I feel like a complete failure having such issues over this and I really do apoligise about writing such an essay when there probably isn't a solution until I really want to let go of him .. but I thought this was probably a good way of getting it all out and getting some perspective on it ..

I want to feel like I don't need him anymore , he doesn't need me , I am just another number to him and I have almost put him on a pedestal and no matter how hard I try and push him off it he just sticks there like glue because at the back of my mind I will always have this feeling of 'love' for him

Again I apologise for the length and lack of substance in this long long essay!
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Why put yourself down so so much - I guess that is because you have let this person and other people walk over you in the past. I am sure you are not a failure - you are on this forum looking for help so therefore you are trying to do something. If I were you I would leave this person as soon as possible, of course when you love someone it is not that easy. But it will only get worse I would think and you do not want to let this man abuse you even more than he already has.

Please listen to your friends and take advice. Why don't you try going for therapy, see your doctor - this isn;t a normal relationship by what you have said.

Take it easy and stay safe

KS
 
2

2156waters

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2010
Messages
4
I put myself down because I don't ever want to let people down , let them believe I am anything but awful. I hate the thought of rejection , the feeling of hurt that comes with it because it sends me back into a downward spiral that I have just about managed to pull myself out of.

I want to find someone that accepts me for who I am , but nobody is willing to do that because I am so terribly imperfect.

I can't speak to a therapist , I just feel like I'd be wasting their time , this is such a childish thing to be so unravelled by . I should just be able to shake him off , leave him and get on with my life without fearing relapse , but I can't seem to. I drown in all the emotions I put out there , when I'm not sure if he knows what an effect he has had on my life .. he gets to carry on with his happy family while I am in turmoil , things just feel black with or without him at the moment.
 
I

IamHisSunshine

New member
Joined
Jan 27, 2010
Messages
1
Smile Hun

You may feel unatractive to yourself right now and that is exactly why this guy is around! Some people go around just looking for people who will never tell others who he is! He my friend is a WOLF ! A wolf in sheeps clothing. As soon as you can see the wolf underneath you will know. You tummy knows when the wolf is around, like a dog can sniff out something miles away.

Did you ever watch the cartoons a while back they were always a sheepdog trying to fight off the Wolf in sheeps clothing. Anyway, The wolf always put on a different costume every day or sevral times a day. This is him. He puts on the You can cry on my shoulder costume right before he rips you to peices! He probly cannot feel. sociopaths and psychopaths do this. Masochistic love.
Hunny You are and EVERY one is special. Everyone deserves to be loved. He got you when you were down. YOU CAN NOT !! I repeat NOT blame yourself for this. You were tricked, duped, It's like the real estate agent who puts on a smiley face and paints up the place so it looks really good. Only after having lived in the place for a moment you realize .. something is not right here... the small little things start off at first... then a little bigger.. then the whole basement is flooded and you are drowning in debt. Here it is emotional debt. Your afraid to back out now you've Just thought that you had found the "perfect" thing. Your afraid to tell others because you feel dumb for buying it to begin with.

This is not a stupid thing to go to a coulcelor for. In fact after you tell them what happened they will be more than happy to help you get the you back to where you feel you do not need this kind of person to help. Some of these people are passive aggressive. Look that up ok google it! Put it this way you have these choices.

1. Let this go on and pay for it with your heart and soul. (passive) end up hurting yourself or him (in defence) you will feel like a little puppy who does not understand what is going on but, he keeps kicking you until your in a corner praying or begging someone help me! In this kind of relationship if you haven't already, you will be ready to show your teeth soon.
2. Go to a councelor and they will help you see your choices and help you feel better about yourself! If you do not feel comfortable with the first councelor then find another! This is important just because one does not hear you , does not mean another one won't! You should click with the councelor like you feel safe. They will be there when you need someone, instead of this person. They will help you. (Assertive)

Hunny you will end up just like his wife. probably severely depressed and hurt and cheated on. If you don't do it for you, do it for him! You will want to kill him eventually!

Return the hurt and disgust to where it really belongs on HIM. Not on YOU. Once you do this you will feel too disgusted and angry with what he has done to you and probably a hundred other people! You will see that wolf! You will not be tricked.

Look deep inside of yourself. the next time you talk to him or see him and see who he really is , see the wolf. Remember everything he says and does.

See how right after he comforts you, he feels it is okay to hurt you. It's like payment for his help. Think about it. He would not think of it like he could hurt you if he did not feel the process of him listening to you cry or being there for you was not a burdon or a pain.

In fact look at when your more emotionally taxing for him he will hurt you worse. The more you get hurt the more you need him. The more you feel sad the more he thinks he is allowed to take his payment and hurt you! He knows this!
Shame on this man ...

:clap:

I applaud your ability to write this stuff! It can be so hard. You value yourself more than you know. :hug:
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Vote

If this is a vote .. I am on the side of ,"Walk away and dont have anything further to do with this CREEP "........

Realy , you will have to do it sooner or later, and the sooner the better, at the moment you are just "putting it off"..

.. for your own "safety" and long term, well being , you need to do this.

If you can bring yourself to do some 'councling' I think that would be helpful, or even just join an activities group or do a night class.. somthing to give you a constructive outlet or part of your life..

.. its not all about looks, it is also about substance, what you are ... looks fade ..

Take care of your self, and take the steps you need to to be safe ... boB .. :flowers:
 
Neferakhet

Neferakhet

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 13, 2009
Messages
86
Location
Beyond the Styx
Remember he isn't the last man on this planet.As you also described the concrete of this relationship is pretty shaky.I understand that what self-esteem you had got shattered..don't forget that this happens to lots of people,it had happened to me in the past for instance and probably that part is the worst of all..your ego getting hurt.

I know it's pretty hard to deal with this situation since you got feelings for him,and probably you recall all the moments when he was supportive although you now know that he was faking it perphaps in order to have sex with you.Just hang in there once you get through this you'll be much more stronger and it will be much harder for anyone to hurt you from the very same weak point of yours.

Don't forget the possibility of meeting someone else.Someone that may actually like the way you are.That part is always a matter of patience.And remember if someone doesn't like you for who you are,then it's all a big lie and an illusion and he isn't the right person for you.Simple as that and this goes for everyone.
 
Wendy

Wendy

Well-known member
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
267
Location
South/East
Hi there I'm on the verge of splitting up with my fiancé we've been together over 3 years I still love him but he isn't the same loving man I first met things have gone downhill the past few months we always seem to be argueing (he has mental health issues too) he is very angrey
but I think it was when he hit me I realised things had gone very wrong.
I know we will probably split I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him he is a part of me I feel so lonely and empty and I don't think anyone else is gonna be intrested in me I'm overweight for a start and have no energy and a horribly scarred arm
just don't want to let him go
so I do know how you are feeling it's bloody hard
your not on you're own
take care
wendy x:(
 
T

Talith

Guest
HI

I know how you feel. In the 70's I was in a very abusive relationship, I was headbutted, beaten black and blue, spat at and he had this habit of getting women pregnant and giving them my phone number to contact him. It is EXTREMELY hard to get out of this cycle as you feel utterly worthless. But you must convince yourself that it is his fault. Not yours. YOU are the worthwhile one, HE is the worthless one. And he is not worth you or your trust, secrets and most particularly, heart. All men who abuse women are cowards and bullies and unable to face up to life on their own. With the best will in the world, you cannot change them or their mindset. However hard you try.
I am recently very happily married, but I still have awful scars from 30 years ago. Both mental and physical. Don't let it happen to you. Because it will never leave you if you do. You are worth an awful lot more than that.
Talith
 
G

Greysunday

Guest
Lonely in a crowd

I've foregone the apparent pleasures of marriage, long-term relationships and children because everything has consequences. Lightness and shade. If only the first day could last forever. Everything tarnishes in the end and becomes hassle upon hassle. Best to keep life simple, less is more. It's simply not fair on others and yourself when your reality is not shared. I have always become more attached to places and buildings than people and become disillusioned with others like I would, last years Bravia tv. But this works for me. I could have married twice, love was there, but intuitively it didn't feel right. It avoided hassles for me and general hurt all round. So if you don't tread that familiar path to add meaning to your life, then what? Writing, art, poetry, long walks along Summer nighted beaches, watching alone through condensed windows into snow filled skies? There is a beauty there.
 
Top