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A

Apotheosis

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As many of you already know - I have a label/diagnosis of 'Paranoid Schizophrenia' - & take a low dose of one drug for it - that I hate taking.

I do get paranoid & often very concerned & worried about things, which is all very linked into stress. I come across as competent; but in many ways it's an apparent competence.

In the past I have 'heard' voices that are as real as someone else speaking.

I haven't really had much of that. But what I do get is intrusive thoughts that are not my own. It's strange & hard to describe. Some are good & offer guidance; while others are really irritating & unhelpful. This seems to be tied into a certain thinking; Good & pleasant thoughts; & bad & black thoughts.

I try as much as possible to just detach from what is going on in my head. It's harder some days than others.

I dunno what to do with it all. I don't trust services or doctors. I don't want more or increased drugs. I'm sick of everything. I get no real support or help from services. I rang the duty nurse at the LMHT the other day. The OT I was seeing was off on another holiday; the nurse said that she would ring back Monday - I said I need support. The OT said last year that they would look at getting someone to come round & chat on a regular basis, nothing more was done.

I dunno what to do about my housing situation - there are noisy neighbours; missing mail, & it's short hold tenancy. I don't feel that I have it in me to move again, & I could of course end up somewhere worse.

The thought crosses my mind of down sizing, finding some kind of semi independent sheltered accommodation - upping the meds loads, getting anti-depressants & just giving up with bothering or trying any more. I really have had enough of it all.

I go so up & down & all over the place emotionally. I can't stop smoking & have been chain smoking recently - at least 50 a day.

I despair of things when I feel like this; & despite the ups & downs; & the general plodding along & doing my best to cope; I feel that in general I'm becoming unwell again.

(Please don't tell me to go to the Doctor & tell him all this & get more meds!)
 
M

mad as a hatter

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Jul 23, 2008
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hi apo

sorry things aren,t great with u i understand what ur going through i don,t trust these doctors either i,ve often told them meds not the answer they don,t seem 2 like that but it,s all they have u not got a cpn then them seems ridculous that ur not getting more support no wonder ur sick with life i am 2 it,s like hitting ur head off a brick wall with the mh services at times they just don,t listen just keep ur chin up and hopefully it,ll get better soon take care x maah
 
SimonB

SimonB

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Feb 10, 2010
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United Kingdom
Hi

I can't say I know how you feel as my experiences with depression are different, but I understand completely about the lack of support. I'm mostly well enough to carry on most of the time, but when I hit a low I hit it big time, in that respect I'm lucky I guess, more time functional than less. But when I need help its never there, and when it is everythings medication, medication, medication.

I don't know what to say other than stay in tune with your feelings and focus on the things that help...sometimes I genuinely wish I had a magic wand!

Simon
 
D

diddypinks

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Jun 7, 2009
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hi apoth i am experiencing the same thing the cpns offer you something then they forget and dont get back to you i would say go back to your gp, they fight your corner and get back in contact with the cpn once youve seen the gp they will get in contact and give the cpn a kick up the butt. it still take some time tho. if you get evicted from your home you can ask a social worker to come and see you and ask them for help to apply to the local council for housing because you are termed as "VUNERABLE" they will offer you a b and b until tempory accomadation becomes available then youd be given your own council flat. get the social worker to come with you to the council. i really hope you feel better soon diddy:)
 
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antipsionic

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Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Apo,

I have the same diagnosis and while I don't hear voices any more I do experience paranoia, particularly when I don't sleep.

I don't know what to say your situation is so similar to mine. I'm trapped in accomodation with noisy neighbours who blast me out with music all day and night and their "customers" running up and down the stairs and slamming the metal security door. Recently had a bank statement and a letter from the CMHT that went missing, only knew about the mental health letter because I got one a few weeks later saying the appointment had been rescheduled, not the first time such a thing has happened.

I have someone who comes in a couple of times a week to see me, we get on well but he told me I wouldn't be eligible to move into their supported accommodation because I don't have complex enough needs, I come accross as intelligent, articulate and generally happy, but its all a front covering up the way I really feel - a suit of armour against the world if you like.

Sometimes I feel should stop taking my meds, start getting stoned and generally act the arsehole so services would take me seriously, but the thought of getting sectioned and the whole rigmarole of getting out of hospital and the fact that I feel that such behaviours part of my past prevents me from doing so.

Basically I wanted to say you aren't suffering alone and there are those of us out here who can relate to what your experiencing, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to say I empathise.

Take care and hold on.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Basically I wanted to say you aren't suffering alone and there are those of us out here who can relate to what your experiencing, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to say I empathise.

Take care and hold on.
Thank you Antipsychoticpsionic. I am learning that I am not alone; & that people do understand. It's been a very hard year so far for me.

I have to look at the positives, the good things in my life, the things to be grateful for. & I do have a good quality of life; all things considered.

The block has been a lot quieter of late, which is good. I have been sleeping better; just had a lot on my mind. I'm feeling paranoid; but at least I am aware of it.

Sorry to hear of your similar troubles. It means a lot to know that you empathise & can relate.
 
A

antipsionic

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Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Its the not sleeping that creates paranoia for me, I can be anxious and worried particularly since I cut out the Citalopram, but most of the time I can deal with it and I haven't particularly felt depressed and its been a good few months since I cut it out.

But the Paranoia from not sleeping is a bitch, the other day I was on a bus convinced I was being followed by a hit squad from the nazis from a parallell universe that were part of my delusional architecture. I just scrounged 7.5 mg of Zopiclone off my GF, don't like taking 'em since I was prescribed them for four years and ended up strung out on them, when I realised I flushed 'em down the bog and went cold turkey for a few days, been 3 years since I had one so should be OK.

What I was going to say is if your situation gets on top of you and you feel up to it why not take off for a couple of days, get a cheap hotel or now the weathers better a tent and just get away from everything for a break, I found heading away and seeing the sea and some open skies works wonders.

Zopi coming on, I'm going to try and get my head down, take it easy mate
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
What I was going to say is if your situation gets on top of you and you feel up to it why not take off for a couple of days, get a cheap hotel or now the weathers better a tent and just get away from everything for a break, I found heading away and seeing the sea and some open skies works wonders.

Zopi coming on, I'm going to try and get my head down, take it easy mate
I'm grateful to be living by the sea; & there is a lovely park in the town centre that I walk through sometimes. On the whole there is a lot to be very grateful for. But it would be good to get away somewhere for a while.

I feel physically rough a lot of the time. Been smoking 20 years; & it's taken it's toll. Have another 'smoke stop' appointment at the end of this month; so I'm gonna really try again to stop the ciggies. I do need to focus on healthy things.

I did manage to get hold of some zopiclone. I have stopped taking them; I think that they were interacting with the amisulpride. I felt worse on them, & I was still waking up very early.

Thank you for the replies.
 
A

antipsionic

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Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
I can relate about the smoking, been smoking about 25g of rolling tobacco (approx 50 a day) for ages, even if you can't stop right away cutting down will help I've started to allow myself one an hour except for first thing in the morning when I'm allowed two, going to try and take that up to every hour and a half this week. Basically thats cut my smoking in half and my chest feels a lot better for it.

Your a mentally strong person Apo to have cut out all the things you've had problems with before, I'm sure you'll do it.
 
A

Apotheosis

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Thanks. That sounds like a good plan. I think that I will have a go at doing that too.
 
L

Lady Summer Isles

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Nov 13, 2009
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NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE
I haven't really had much of that. But what I do get is intrusive thoughts that are not my own. It's strange & hard to describe. Some are good & offer guidance; while others are really irritating & unhelpful. This seems to be tied into a certain thinking; Good & pleasant thoughts; & bad & black thoughts.


Sorry to hear your'e struggling apo. This sounds very much the same as I experience. My pdoc said mine is very much Mood congruent. Think you have been under even more pressure as of late, pehaps there is a connection. Good to hear you are by the sea, I try and get there when I can. Anyway sending hugs:hug:
Lady T
 
S

starfish

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Oct 15, 2009
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country cottage
apo

from reading your posts in the past, it is obvious you go out of your way to help others. i think that now you need to put yourself first. i hope you feel better soon.take care
 
Rorschach

Rorschach

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Dec 19, 2007
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W2
I'm grateful to be living by the sea; & there is a lovely park in the town centre that I walk through sometimes. On the whole there is a lot to be very grateful for. But it would be good to get away somewhere for a while.
I was discussing the people at the Philadelphia Association to my wife the other day. I know I've mentioned it before, but if things get too much remember I could always do some asking via my contact. It's big steps, but if you ever decided to try and do it, they are surely the people best set from Laing's influence.

Shame their model isn't rolled out nationwide!!!
 
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