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Violent Tempered Spouse - what to do?

Ngetch

Ngetch

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
My apologies in advance for the length of this post but I don't want to leave anything out that might be important.

I never had much luck with the opposite sex. I would get nervous, tongue tied and never knew what to say. Consequently, I could count the number of dates that I had in high school AND college on ONE hand. After graduating, my opportunity to meet eligible girls drastically decreased.

Seeing all of my friends getting married or in steady relationships meant that I was spending more and more time alone at home and it caused me to sort of panic. As a result, I began to ask random women on dates. At first, I focused on girls my age that I found attractive. I would say hi and suggest that we get together for a movie and/or dinner. That didn’t work too well. Some just smiled and walked away. Others gave me dirty looks and walked away.

Since that wasn't work too well, I quickly expanded my field. If a woman was alone and not wearing a wedding ring or engagement ring, I would ask her out. I then met my wife to be. I asked her out and surprisingly she said yes. She immediately took control of the relationship and within three months we were married.

I solved my being alone problem by replacing it with an even greater problem.

My wife is nearly twice my age and nearly four times my size. I am 26 and my wife is 48. We are both the same height of 5'8" but while I weigh about 160-165, my wife weighs around 590 pounds. The problem is that my wife has a massive temper to match her size. She freely admits that she gets much too angry much too easily and that she is prone to physically violent fits of ungovernable rage with little or no provocation.

The problem is that she refuses to do anything about it. She says that this is the way that she is. That she has a fire smoldering inside of her just under the surface and when the least little thing gets on her nerves, that fire blazes up and she can not control her temper.

She says that just as you would not expect a blind person to be able to paint a picture, I should not expect her to control her temper. A blind person simply can't paint a picture and she simply can't control her temper. Additionally, according to her, since I know that she can't control her temper, the burden is on me to make sure that nothing gets on her nerves.

I'm doing everything I can to keep her calm. I never argue with her. I do everything she wants immediately. She doesn't work. She doesn't even do any of the housework. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, etc. Yet, despite my best efforts, she is constantly raging out of control.

I live in constant fear of her temper.
 
SomeSwedishGirl

SomeSwedishGirl

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
767
Location
Sweden
You should never put yourself in a situation where you live in fear.
I have had a much similar experience myself, and know that it’s easier said than done - but if your partner refuses to seek help, you need to do what is best for you. No matter if you love your partner. It doesn’t mean everything needs to end forever - it could mean just telling your partner that you are going to need a break and move out, but you are willing to come back if they agree to get professional help.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, and I don’t mean to be, but you need to feel safe and relaxed in your relationship.
 
Ngetch

Ngetch

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
Maybe I should have said it better but I don't see a way to edit my opening post -- I'm new here, if you haven't noticed. Let me clarify ... I'm not in physical fear / danger unless I don't keep my distance. When my wife loses her temper, she goes completely insane and her rage isn't directed at me but at anything that is near her. As long as I keep my distance, I am safe.

As far as temporary moving out, financially that is not an option. As I mentioned, my wife does not work. So there is no money to pay for a separate living arrangement for one of us even for a little while.

She just refuses to see her poorly controlled temper as HER problem. She says that she can't control it and that is it AND if she loses her temper, it becomes MY fault because she can't control it and therefore it is unreasonable to expect her to control it. That's how she puts it and she won't budge from that position. In fact, contradicting her on ANYTHING sends her into a rage. So just bringing this topic up guarantees an explosion.

PS: (1) Is there a way to edit a post after making it?

(2) I see there is an "Edit" button. How long does that edit feature last? I'm assuming that it times out because I don't see an "edit" button on my opening post. Anyone know where I can find the answers to these type of general forum questions?
 
SomeSwedishGirl

SomeSwedishGirl

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
767
Location
Sweden
I still see this as a situation that is well unfair for you as a partner. She needs to get help to control this, or eventually you’re gonna run yourself ragged trying to accomoadate her ”needs”. It’s not fair on either one of you that you keep ”sweeping the path” infront of her like this.
I am so, so sorry that you have gotten into a situation like this. You ever need to vent, feel free to drop a line.

as for the other questions - there is a section called ”forum” to post under.
I’m pretty new myself, so haven’t explored all features yet.
 
Ngetch

Ngetch

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
I completely agree that this is an "unfair" situation. Unfortunately, my (perhaps irrational) fear of being alone caused me to rush into this marriage. She was the only person that I ever had a second date with and I thought she might be my only opportunity to not being alone for the rest of my life and I ignored obvious warning signs which, looking back, I probably shouldn't have ignored.

Additionally, her view of getting help for her anger problems is for me to make sure that nothing gets on her nerves to upset her. She has made that very clear to me. It is also very clear that I can not contradict her on anything or she will start to rage.

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate being able to get this off my chest. Just talking about it makes me feel better.
 
SomeSwedishGirl

SomeSwedishGirl

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
767
Location
Sweden
For me - being alone (as I am, and probably always will be) feels so, so much better than what I had before.
But when I was in it, I was scared to.
You are worth so much more than this, and one day I hope you really will feel and believe that.
If she thinks she is treating you fine, I’m sorry but she is just a bully.
 
Ngetch

Ngetch

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
Actually, she doesn't think that she treating me fine. In fact, she has even admitted that she feels sorry for me because keeping her calm is an impossible task because she has such an absolutely terrible temper ... but that is what she expects of me.

Thank you again.
 
SomeSwedishGirl

SomeSwedishGirl

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
767
Location
Sweden
Just try to take care of yourself too, please? Talking about it is a good first step into making a change for the better.
 
Ngetch

Ngetch

Member
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
6
Location
USA
I tried to drop you a line like you suggested but I got the following message when I tried to do so ...

Your content can not be submitted. This is likely because your content is spam-like or contains inappropriate elements. Please change your content or try again later. If you still have problems, please contact an administrator.

... I'm not sure what the issue is. There are no links to any other websites, so I'm not sure what "inappropriate elements" it contains. Hopefully, I'll get the hang of this soon. As I said, I am new here and still trying to figure out how to navigate around.
 
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