Very frustrated and hoping to gain understanding

L

Learntocope

New member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
2
Location
United states
#1
Just a heads up, I do not wish to speak insensitivity or try to generalize all who have BPD. So I apologize in advance if this isn't phrased that well. Also I apologize but it's kind of a long story. I would really appreciate some insight if possible.

Here's the basics. A very close friend of mine , let's call him Joe, had a breakdown about 8 years ago, something along those lines. He was using a lot of recreational drugs. All of my friends and I were. He went overboard with psychedelic drugs. He has a severe episode and latched onto one of our friends, we'll call him Rob, who was, at the time, closest to him. This person wound up becoming afraid of him and the things he was saying to the point where he called the police and had an order of protection placed on Joe. This caused Joe serious anguish and pain. After this incident he began to act in a psychotic manner. He would constantly play weird little mind games with people and try to "test people's loyalty." He quickly began losing friends because they didn't want to deal with him. But he was my friend for at least 3 years at that point and I felt that he was going through a hard time. He and I became inseparable. We talked all the time. Many times it was about him, but I kind of allowed it because I wanted to help him. Anyways he let me in on his secret that Rob was plotting to kill him, and that he was going to train to fight him. Now I knew Rob and in fact still saw him socially. I knew for a fact that he was not aiming to kill Joe. But nevertheless, Joe would not be convinced otherwise. He then got upset that I "didn't believe him" and told me if I was his friend then I should believe him. So I told him while I don't believe this, I believe that it seems real to him and that I support him. I figured this would stop once time has passed and he realized that Rob has moved on. I was wrong.

Fast forward a couple of years and Joe is still obsessed with this delusional murder plot against him. Now it has become that "Rob will try and kill me and I will kill him instead, and I'll write a book about it and become famous." I keep telling him that this isn't healthy and that I don't want to talk about this anymore. But he wouldn't listen. It's all he wanted to talk about every single time I saw him. This became a really strain on my mental health. I told him one day that if he didn't stop this I couldn't hang out with him anymore. He said ok, but then continued to talk about it. So one day I decided I was going to stop talking to him. Stop answering his calls, stop hanging out with him, that's it. I figured that A. It would be better for him since he would have nobody to talk about this delusion with. And B. It would be better for my mental sanity. Well I was correct about the second part. I became successful in my career goals and began to prosper. I have a girlfriend who I am madly in love with and intend to marry her and have children with.

Now here is where things get more bizarre. About a year ago my sister runs into Joe at a bar. Hardly recognized him as he's gained about 50 lbs (he was always in shape bc he was preparing to fight Rob). He asks for my number. He texts me and I am delighted to hear from him. Of course I've thought about what he was up to from time to time, but kind of felt like it would be too awkward to look him up. After a couple of texts I say "hey man, I feel bad about how things ended between us. Let's get together." After that I get no text back from him. I figured he was drunk and maybe his phone died. I text him to let me know when he would want to get together. A few days pass and still no answer. I call him, he doesn't pick up. I shrug it off and think "maybe he's still mad at me what am I gonna do?" A couple of weeks later he calls me up and asks to meet, sounding eager to reconnect. We meet up and we hash things out. I explain that I stopped talking to him for both of our mental healths sake. He says he understands and knew that. We start hanging out again and suddenly it's like we never stopped being friends. I invite him to come on a trip to Philadelphia with my family and I because we got an extra hotel room. We have a great time and things seem to be going great. After many discussions and drunken nights, I tell him about how my girlfriend is going to have to move out soon as her mother and step dad are getting a smaller place by themselves. This was causing her anxiety. I lived with my parents and was a bit unhappy there. Anyways, he initially told me that the apartment where he lives now is owned by a friend but the friend let's him live there. He tells me "I have to be honest with you...the apartment actually belongs to my mother. There is an extra room here that I originally told you was off limits and belonged to my friend but it's actually an empty room. How about you and your girlfriend move in here with me? I'll charge you guys very cheap rent." There are obviously many thoughts racing through my head. First I wonder why he would lie to me like that. But then I think about how great this would be for me and my gf, especially her. So after many reservations on her end I convince her. We move in and at first it's great. Months pass by and I start noticing quirks about my friend. I laugh them off and say "he's just a little bit odd." I start inviting him to all family functions and fully include him in my life. My dad and I are best friends and my dad began to take a liking to Joe. So back to the quirks. He constantly goes to lay down in his room when were supposed to be hanging out. We'll be drinking beers in the living room and he'll say "I need to lay down I'll be out in a few minutes." I find it weird but I brush it off. Things start becoming more strange when I notice the way he paces all around the apartment. I also notice how he makes messes and doesn't clean them. I'm never sure if he expects me to clean them but I clean dishes and things if they're in the sink because I want to have a clean kitchen. He is a lightweight with alcohol and often vomited from just a few drinks. He wouldn't clean up the vomit, even after I asked him to. He even became angry when I said "hey Joe can you clean your puke from the toilet, it's pretty gross." I try my best to grin and bear it. I begin noticing more and more quirks and mood swings to the point where I say "dude are you on meds or something, you're acting very oddly lately." He confesses that he has Borderline Personality Disorder and that he takes lithium that's prescribed to him but also takes xanax when he gets anxious (his mom gives them to him). I tell him that I wish he had told me and that I'm really sorry and that I love him like a brother and am here for him. Things are good again for a while. I look into BPD and see that he has many of the symptoms.

Then he starts dating. Which I encouraged. First he's having all of these anxieties about women and saying some downright sexist shit that my gf objected to. He says how he needs to get laid, but he doesn't want to date a slut. Fucked up shit. During this time he starts being distant towards my gf and I. I try inviting him out with us and even saying we can just go out the two of us without my gf. He keeps being distant. In fact he began talking to my dad more than he talked to me. My dad and he would go to the gym together, especially when my gf was around. I didn't mind at all, especially because of how self absorbed conversations with Joe are. Anyways finally Joe meets a girl who he likes. They talk on the phone all the time and such. He begins buying her extravagant things and taking her out to fancy dinners. (He inherited money from his late father). I tell him how happy I am for him and I'd love to meet her and to go on doube dates with my gf and his new woman. Again, he is distant. He starts doing all of these passive aggressive things like going straight into his room every time he goes home. I ignore it and focus on my relationship with my gf, figuring that Joe is just smitten. Things get worse and worse to the point where his new gf is over and he acts like we aren't even friends anymore. He acts like we're nothing but roommates. Things are getting to a point where my gf and I feel like he hates us. I ask him "is everything ok man?" And he said yeah its good I've just been busy with my new gf. So I tell him no problem bro just making sure. Then the other day my dad tells me "Joe is saying that he thinks you hate him and that he doesn't know what to say to you. He says that you are always in the living room with your gf and him and his gf feel awkward." I say that's ridiculous bc that was a conversation I had with him. I said "hey Joe if me and my gf are in the living room and you guys want some alone time in the living room, just tell me and we'll go in our room I don't care." He told me ok and thanks for being so straightforward. This guy straight up lied to me when he told me ok. Anyways I'm no good at lying and feel uncomfortable not airing things out. My dad tells him after the gym the next day to come to the apt and we should hash things out. We start talking and I say "hey I don't want there to be awkwardness between us, so I just want to understand why you don't want to hang out anymore." He goes on a tirade about things that happened months ago. He literally balls up his fists and gets in my face as if he's going to hit me. I tell him get the fuck out of my face. Then he screamd "Thats it I don't want you here anymore." I say ok asshole give me back the money me and my gf paid you for the month. Suddenly by magic he goes into his room and grabs the exact amount of cash (he never has cash) that my gf and I had paid him in rent this month. He throws it on the floor in a dramatic fashion. We yell back and forth and I start calling him out on all his lies. He doesn't admit to a single one of them. Not even the fact that he planned this all out. The fucking guy had exactly the amount of money we paid him (which we paid through check) to give to me. He claims he was going to buy his new gf a phone. Which I know is a lie because she has a new iPhone already! He also started back pedaling on things he already admitted to. Like staging a conversation with his mother for my benefit the day before. She started talking about how she rented out a house back in the 80s and mentioned for how much. Then, as if scripted, he says wow that's double what you pay now dude, isn't that crazy? It was like they were performing a play. This wasn't the first time they did this but I always thought "no, this has to be in my head." There were a lot of moments where I would catch myself overanalyzing things because I knew how much he analyzed things. Anyways he at first admitted thay the conversation the previous day was on purpose because he felt that I should be more appreciative of the cheap rent. I told him I've always been appreciative. I kept the place clean. I vacuumed, Imopped, I swept. I invited him everywhere. I tried to make sure everything was ok between us all the time. He tells me that I was just using him and that I was never his friend. Which is just a complete lie. All we did was talk about him. All I did was try to help him. I would reassure him that Rob was living in another state ai he didn't even have to worryanymore. He then made me and my gf leave in a ridiculous hurried fashion. After all is said and done, I'm fine. We moved in with my parents and are happy to do so. I just don't understand what his problem is. I did all I could do and even tried to look past his constant delusionalparanoia. He would even belittle me to my face and I would just say nothing. I am not in a very stable financial place. One day he literally said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me how much money is in your bank account." There were times I thought that he wanted me to go broke. He would always want to go out to eat or go out to a bar. I am more of a home cooking kind of person, on top of the fact that I don't have a lot of money. I just have so many unanswered thoughts and I feel so angry. On one hand I'm relieved to no longer think about him and his behavior. But on the other i feel so abused and i don't understand why he did this to me. To anyone who read this wholething, thank you so much. If there's anything I left out or anything that seems confusing, please tell me or ask me. Any advice would be very appreciated.
 
L

Lora

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2019
Messages
89
Location
United Kingdom
#2
You sound hurt disappointed confused by your friends behaviour. You also sound like a very kind caring friend 😊 I empathise it's baffling behaviour when you know you've done nothing wrong - the more closer you become to the person the stronger the push away - My daughter shows all these traits too I used to take it personal. Your thinking from a logical point of view when you talk about your friend. But your friend like my child talks and thinks from a different perspective that's why it feels like your talking different languages. They think with a completely different emotional irrational process. I used to Spend hours trying to look for answers as to why ? I have like you cared nurtured took an interest. Been kind in every way yet been attacked in every way too -4 years later I'm Still looking for answers and support its an ongoing roller coaster My best advice is to read stop walking on eggshells by paul mason and randy kreger. It gives you an understanding of borderline personality hope this helps.
 
L

Learntocope

New member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
2
Location
United states
#3
Thank you for your help. Yeah it makes me feel better about it to understand that there's nothing I could have done. I just feel such a lack of closure and I also feel like I deserve for this guy to admit the truth to me about many things but I guess like you said, he actually believes his own lies.
 
L

Lora

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2019
Messages
89
Location
United Kingdom
#4
Yep if you read that book it will open your eyes to reveal his thought process and his views of the world. Is very different from yours and an understanding of his illness will allow you to have closure. I wish you well 😊