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Very Defensive and scared!

martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Ive been told for some time now that i am mentally ill...by family and close ones....mainly because i am always in some kind of emotional turmoil.

around 8 months ago i split from my partner, id lost my job and also i had just become a father...so i was totally messed up..and if im honest i still feel messed up! I went for over a year with no sleep.

I cant stop avoiding things..i have become so afraid of everything, that i just walk away. I know this is avoidant behaviour, but i honestly cant cope with anymore stress..My ex partner doesnt help things..im convinced shes trying to hurt me, in fact im convinced everyones trying to do me some kind of damage!

I have no confidence to go to work anymore, i have decided that i cant see my daughter anymore because im so convinced that others are interfereing or putting me down, and im unsure im anygood as a dad that i just become a defensive monster (not hitting out)

I was on Citalopram for about 7 months but stopped it because i wasnt resolving anything....and here i still am!

I just am so scared of everything...i just feel like i wanna die sometimes!:cry:
 
M

majestic

New member
Joined
Nov 30, 2009
Messages
2
hey dude, i am not trying to hurt you. sounds like you need some support, and it does not look like you are getting what you need. firstly, ditch all the drugs, they are not going to get you anywhere but dependancy for them to stabilise whatever depression you are feeling. meaning when you are off them it will be even harder to cope. you need to learn that drugs will not make you right, they will only make you feel better than worse (just) for a small period. i think you heed that knowledge... so your on the road to bieng more stable allready.

you have to learn to rely on yourself for emotional support and strengthen your character. sticking your head in the sand is not going to solve it.

you have to try and keep your chin up, even if it means putting your eyes the other way if you cant look at people eye to eye, keep the chin up, every little helps, try it. by the sounds of it your self esteem took a battering when you split, and you have not really much to look forward to, that equals depression in my experience, and i know it can hit pretty bad, its like having your loving heart ripped out, your stomach constantly in pain from the stress.

can i ask are you seeing your child at-all? is it a girl or a boy, and do you have family you can regularly visit?

cheers :)

Adam.
 
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martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Hi mate!

Yeah im off the meds..i wanted to sort it..i was a fooked zombie!

my little girl is with her mum miles away!..it broke my heart to leave..i wanted to stay but felt i had no choice!

Your realy correct when you said about personal support..being kind to myself and things..thats right..i distract myself too much and end up in 5hit street again!

Im just trying to get on with other things...just trying anything i got in front of me really!

cheers dude!:)
 
M

majestic

New member
Joined
Nov 30, 2009
Messages
2
what i mean about relying on yourself for emotional support; i find people arent always there for your needs, you know of course they are most of the time like your family and all that, but people have busy lives, and as individuals i, we, anyone has to understand that a little, dont take it as a negative like they are trying the opposite of helping by not bieng abled to support as much as you sometimes liked, just try and understand people are sometimes far too mixed up in their own lives, even your family members, of course they care for you. i rarely get to see my family, and they rarely get to see me, but the thoughts are always there, with me anyway! and i have learned that people are often thinking of you, even if you do not get to see them.

so in that way, yes you do have to support yourself emotionally, dont be afraid to think that, you are only human, you simply cannot be expected to feel like the sun beams every day. because it does not. and dont be thinking others are not so friendly, they are sometimes even cagier about their own passing thoughts, 90% of the time harmless, everybody has them. joe in the street who walks past, means no harm and is probably a nice friendly character, just likes to keep himself to himself, not putting you down at-all, so jog on.
there may be some people that in your current circumstance, may be saying a thing or two about you, but hey, i think you could go and see your little girl a little more regular, your feelings of inadequacy probably stem from guilt which is not totally self inflicted because i bet they are not bieng easy access wise right, but if you mention instability then peoples back will go up straight away, and yes they will be defensive themselves. i also appreciate you might not be feeling 100% , but the way to right that is to try and make regular contact, you have a right to it. you probably feel alot of hurt from not bieng with your daughter, thrown in with some past relationship feelings, it's more so that you feel alot of hurt from the situation, not that people are deliberately trying to hurt you, but you are hurt, i can understand that. my bro always feels the same about his ex, and he is in the 9th year with his daughter, he still is adamant she is trying to make things difficult, but has his own life with her.

get a job if possible, its going to be hard i imagine but reward will come with patience and time.

you have to try to ignore your own thoughts of not bieng worth and no good for owt, so to speak. i often feel that myself, and i have been clear of any major bad feeling for a long time, it's a character trait of my past and i have learned with time it passes, i explore the negative thoughts when they are here, its a time for reflection, difficult as it may be i often feel much better after feeling the worst.
you have to soldier through, when its not sun shiney it will be fair to midling , or sometimes rainy.

so you have a little girl, wow, you are very lucky. I dont have any of my own blood type children, just my girlfriends 17yo daughter but she dosent live with us, she hasnt lived with mum since she was seven, her aunt & uncle looked after her since that time, mum wasnt very stable at that time and went off the rails etc, ever since that time (and im going to be brutally honest here).. it's been a damn hard fight to get her daughter back from her sister and bro in law, becuase of her past instability. what ever you do, do not give up seeing your daughter, she needs you man (dad) and you will cause her great problems if you don't, you deserve to be dad, if it means fighting and negotiating, you must do so.

her daughter still isnt living with her / us, but she comes round every weekend, sometimes two, and is doing great in college. what i think to myself you know and when times are bad in my life...which is often, is that her real pops would probably give his left arm to be here on earth, having this chance that i have to be with his daughter, as little as it may be and i am not connected by blood, I will never give up. you cannot go on beating yourself up, things will get better
 
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