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Very confused!!!

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Edinb9/5

Member
Joined
Jul 14, 2009
Messages
5
I am a 27 year old female, have a job, flat, fiance and know that I should feel very lucky for all of this but I get so depressed sometimes and wish I could leave everything behind and just be on my own.

I’m addicted to new, exciting experiences and like to meet new people but quickly get bored and want to move onto the next exciting thing. I secretly crave attention from men – even though I have a fiance of 7 years. I’ve cheated on him in the first 6 months of our relationship but felt very guilty and admitted what I did. I couldn’t bear to hurt him like that again so would never cheat again but sometimes I wish he would dump me, which I then feel guilty about. I seem to develop crushes on guys but never act on them – secretly hoping that they will like me. Before I met my fiance I would develop crushes on guys and yearn for them to like me back, however almost as soon as they did I would lose interest. Even if I wasn’t that interested in someone, if they rejected me I would get very upset. I don’t like it when someone gets more attention from men than me but am quite shy and can find it quite awkward to be the centre of attention. It’s weird because I don’t dress provocatively and sometimes feel like I deliberatly don’t make an effort but still expect men to go crazy over me.

I also feel down quite a lot, usually after something big has happened – like a holiday - and when it’s really bad I cry in private and don’t want to talk to anyone afterwards because I feel so depressed and find it difficult to motivate myself. I go through phases of wanting lots of friends, to wanting to be on my own cos I feel like I'm different to everyone else. I feel like I concentrate on 1 or 2 friends for a while and almost become obsessed with spending time with them and then gradually move on to another set of friends.

I’m also embaressed to admit that I talk to myself and have ever since I was a child – I thought I would eventually grow out of it but at 27, am not sure I ever will. Noone knows I do this as I’m always alone when I do it. It’s as if I’m talking to someone else but I should say that I don’t for a second believe I am actually talking to someone else – it’s more a fantasy conversation – like you would see a child have.

I know I have issues but have never told anyone about them – I have no idea how I would tell my fiance about this – his sister is a Manic Depressive and his mum has Lymphoma and has suffered from depression in the past. I therefore feel like my problems are insignificant compared to everyone elses (especially after reading the other posts) and feel like I should stop being stupid but can’t help the way I feel.

I’m not sure if anyone will be able to help but even just typing it has helped a little. The thing that makes it hard is that I don’t think anyone around me would even know I had any of these problems because I am able to hide them so well.
:cry:
 
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*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Edinb

And :welcome: to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear you are facing difficulties at the moment.

I used to have similiar issues to yourself. For me it was a problem with self esteem. I would like men to be attracted to me as some form of validation that I was okay. However when they were I would be put off them because I thought there was something wrong with them if they did like me as I had such a low opinion of myself. Does that make sense? If this is true for you it might also be that this is what is happening with your friendships. It took me a while to realise this though. I was also scared of rejection, i still have some issues with this in fact, but have learned to handle it better. I had to accept that not everybody likes everybody and it isn't neccessarily personal, some people click, others don't. We are all different, have different upbringings and experiences so are not going to like everybody.

Again I learned to stop basing my whole value system and the way I saw myself based on the people rejecting me, but based on how the people who loved me saw me and how I loved myself.

I did this by asking the people in my life who did love me to write a list of things they liked about me. And also writing a list of things that I liked about myself and the good things I've done in my life. The latter one was so hard to do, I was so used to criticising myself, however I did eventually do it, and read it to myself as some form of reassurance that I was an okay person when I felt down or rejected.

No one is perfect and again, we are human afterall! However I had to learn to accept that too, however much I wanted to change that.

With regards to always wanting new experiences and feeling down after holidays, it might be a sign that you need something different you enjoy in your daily life. Lots of people like to have new experiences, could you join a group that does lots of different activities that would help alleviate that? Or take up a hobby that involves something you find exciting? Are you bored with your job and need something new to get your teeth into? Could you take up a new project in your job? Perhaps study something?

In my opinion no ones problems are insignificant, if they are making you feel low, then it is significant to you. And I don't feel that you are being silly.

With regards to talking to yourself, take a look at this link! You are not alone! :)

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=5295

I think it might be best to separate your problems out rather than seeing it as one whole big problem. Work out what might be causing them and deal with them one by one.

I hope that helps :)
 
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Edinb9/5

Member
Joined
Jul 14, 2009
Messages
5
Thanks so much! It's such a weight off just sharing some of the things I've been feeling, I've always been too embaressed in the past.
I'm glad I found this forum - it's good to know there are people out there who understand and can offer solutions and advice.
I'm definitely going to try and focus on the positive things (easier said than done tho). Deep down I know I need to make myself happy and not focus on what other people think.
p.s thank you so much for the link about talking to yourself - for years I've thought there was something seriously wrong with me! I don't feel so bad about it now!
 
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*Sapphire*

Guest
No problems!

Talking to yourself is not unusual at all, it's just most people who do, don't admit to it! I'm glad it's a weight off your shoulders! :)
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Hi, I have a similar problem in that I'm very happily married with grown up sons but for years I have always had a major crush on one man or another. I have suffered with depression on & off for 15 years, have been on ADs this time for about 8 1/2 years. With me, I start out as friends with the guy and start talking about my depression. I very quickly getting totally obsessed with him and I end up telling him about it, which often ends in tears as you can imagine. There is a sexual attraction but I don't really want to sleep with them. I want closeness and want them to hold me. I was very lucky last time in that he was also a depressive and understood, he was very good with me but unfortunately he died recently. This time its a lad of 24 (Im 47) who is really trying to help me. Ive told him how I feel and it was rocky for a bit, its OK now but I really dont want to spoil the friendship. I really worry about this tendency. Any thoughts anyone?
 
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Edinb9/5

Member
Joined
Jul 14, 2009
Messages
5
Hi there Trombone Babe!

I’m so sorry to hear you lost your friend – it must be a really difficult time for you. I understand how you feel about these crushes though. I constantly worry that one day I’ll push things too far with a guy and mess things up big time with my fiance like I did when we first started seeing each other – I sometimes think I’ll never be able to change because deep down I’m a bad person. Before I met my fiancé I used to mess up every relationship I had and make the guys push me away which used to reinforce the feeling that I was worthless. I keep hearing (but can’t admit) that I’m the only person that can make me happy but it just seems difficult to do this!

I just try to deal with it by telling myself that the only reason I want these guys to find me attractive is because I don’t believe it deep down – you just need to keep focusing on all the good things about yourself, the little things you like and the reasons why people like to be around you. I know that when I have these little crushes, they’ll eventually pass, and while they make me feel horrible at the time I know that eventually I’ll come out of the other side and be glad I didn’t do anything about them. If you think about losing the person as a friend it might help put things into perspective. I also keep telling myself that my fiancé wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t find me attractive or a nice person and I can’t expect every guy on earth to find me attractive – the advice Sapphire77 gave me was pretty good!

I’m not sure if that’s helped at all – it’s just good to talk I suppose and realise you’re not alone!! :grouphug:
 
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