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Venting/long life story.

L

Llane41

New member
Joined
Jan 27, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Fresno,CA
Hi, my name is Leigh Anne, and this is my first time posting on a site like this. I'm still waiting on a referral from my GP so no official diagnosis as of yet. I just know that I have been struggling for a very long time and I haven't been honest with myself about my issues. I'm fairly certain its depression though.

I lost my father when I was 18, and we were very close. I have always felt like I lost a part of my soul that day and don't feel like I ever fully recovered. I immediately jumped into a relationship with my now husband to help fill the void that I felt from losing my father. Initially we lived at home with my mother and family. There was some turmoil there so he insisted we move in with his family. We couldn't afford to live on our own at the time. It was very rough in the beginning, we had a child right away and after she was born, my SO became abusive. Even during my pregnancy he was manipulative and was very controlling. I shut myself off from everyone during this time. I lost all of my friends and ruined relationships with my family. I was always expected to accompany him to all of his family's events and spend time with them. I lied a lot to everyone in those days. I thought a lot about suicide. I stopped dressing up or doing my makeup and hair,which I enjoyed. I had no self esteem. I felt very undesirable after giving birth. My body had changed and I was riddled with stretch marks. And Breastfeeding left me with a much smaller cup size. In addition, I felt that there was no way I could be a good enough mother. I had never wanted children before because I didn't think I could be good enough. He used all of that against me in our fights. Going home was not an option. I tried to leave a couple of times. He always came after me. We worked it out and would end up back together because I felt like he loved me, but couldn't express it properly and had a temper. We grew up and things got better as our environment changed. We moved on our own, I started working a decent job and he stayed home with our child. I was still responsible for all of the cooking, cleaning, household chores and childcare as soon as I got home but that was okay at the time because we started doing a lot better having time apart every day. He was and is an amazing father, that has never been a question. We didn't fight in front of our child. I felt like things were getting better at this time for my mental health also. I no longer thought about suicide. I felt valued. Of course we still had our fights but they were fewer and far between and much less extreme. I still had self esteem issues, I never got back to getting dressed or doing makeup, and never felt like I could connect with people for fear of having to cancel due to a fight that would embarrass me. But I started to see more of my family. Fast forward a few years and I am pregnant with our second child. My SO had really worked on himself and he had not been physically abusive in years. We still had our issues with controlling behavior and putting each other down but far less prevalent. So this was a very happy surprise, of course I still had my reservations.

Due to unexpected complications the pregnancy didn't come to term. I found out shortly after I had Cervical cancer. I was lucky as it was caught early enough that no radiation or chemo was necessary. I did; however, have to have a total hysterectomy. Before I was 30. Basically within 4 months I went from happy and excited to bring a new life into the world to having my baby lose its life inside of my body and have the ability to create life taken away from me forever. I had been wanting a second child for years, but my relationship was never stable enough for it to happen until this time. Since everything happened so quickly, I never told anyone about the baby. I just kept it inside and pushed it down to deal with my upcoming battle. My SO was the only one that knew. He took it hard also. The Cancer diagnosis was also really hard on him, well both of us but I couldn't show that. I had to put on a strong front because he was scared and I have a hard time expressingemotion unless its anger. He is a fixer and this is something he couldn't fix. The surgery went off without a hitch and we were both relieved. The day after I came home from the hospital, my brother-in-law went to the hospital and they told him he needed to be referred to an oncologist because they believed that he too had Cancer; however, his was a much more aggressive type than my own. I know it sounds very selfish, but all focus was then shifted to him. I was still recovering, grieving internally and trying to be supportive of my SO and his family. I felt very alone. My relationship with my mother-in-law has always been at an arm's length. She always puts me down in a joking manner because I am a different race than her. Of all of my in laws, she and I connect the least. Everything that was done for me during my recovery by my wonderful in laws, my MIL made snide remarks about how they had better do the same for my brother-in-law. Which, yes of course they would, the comments were not necessary and hurtful.

At this time he hadn't even received a diagnosis at this point. They needed to do further testing to confirm. Eventually he was found to not have Cancer, but a very rare birth defect which was not life threatening. We were all overjoyed. My feelings of being alone did not go away. I continued to bottle up all of me feelings like I have for most of my life. I have no one to express them to. My SO is not a great communicator, and I really dont like anyone to feel sorry for me. I always have to show that I'm doing fine on the outside but I'm breaking down on the inside more and more each day.

A few months ago, I found that my SO was having private conversations with a girl that we both know but he had a relationship with when they were very young. He had been acting a bit off and I found the messages and that he had gone to lunch a couple of times and well. There was some inappropriate content once when he was out drinking but she didn'trespondin kind. I confronted him and he admitted to having an emotional affair with her, but she never crossed the line and he thinks that she feels that they are just friends. He says that he was just joking and that is just his personality. Which it is, he is a joker and does make inappropriate comments often. He said it was because I had been very cold to him and had shut him out and he too felt lonely. He explained that he would never physically cheat, but he did seek out attention that I was not able to give at the time. I understood what he was saying, because I had shut him out, that was true. I had been feeling ignored and unappreciated coupled with dealing with my inner turmoil I was just becoming a shadow of my former self again. I felt all of the same things I felt in the beginning when I had to lie and hide my pain. I took it out on him.

We worked it out again, he was open and understood when I told him that I felt like this had broken me when I found out. We had always had our problems but loyalty and jealousy was never one of them. A short time after this, I received several text messages from a google number advising that my SO had physically cheated on me about 2 years prior. They alluded to having photographic evidence but eventually turned out to be a very cruel prank by some of his friends that didn't care for me. The person texting admitted that they were approached and asked to message/call me over the course of a week to try to break us up. The reasoning and the actual proof that it was the people they said it was is still unfounded. This particular incident wasn't all that believable, but the timing was horrible. It did unearth some previous lies that my SO had told me and that further diminished my trust in him. Since then I feel so paranoid that he is lying about everything. He does work late somedays and I have to fight with myself to not assume that he is lying again. I feel like I am constantly being overbearing now and if any plans change or he even mentions going somewhere alone, I find myself upset. It just feels like he is leaving me behind and I'm alone. I feel responsible for his need to lie about his whereabouts because I am suffocating him. I know he needs other social interaction aside from me. It's very difficult because I don't feel like I have anyone else. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about any of this except for him. I resent him because of my loneliness. He tells me to make friends and go out and enjoy my life and have fun separate from him and our child but I honestly dont know how anymore. The people I work with know me as being private and a loner. All of my other friends have given up on me because of my inconsistency. I don't feel comfortable telling my family any of this. It is just all too much for me to handle alone anymore. I have started thinking about suicide again, not as often but in the back of my mind it's there. The only thing that keeps that thought at bay is my child, the light of my life.

Sorry for the book, just needed to let this out before I explode.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
19,976
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Hi and welcome to the froum, we're happy to have you here :welcome:

I am so sorry to read about your cancer and your second child, your husband does sound like he is trying now :hug1:
 
A

aisha23

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
1,398
Location
UK
welcome leanne

I hope that this forum helps you

x
 
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