Venting about my relapse and everything else.

PawnBurns

PawnBurns

Member
Joined
Mar 12, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Portland
#1
Hadn’t done it in 5 years until the other day. I have been extremely miserable for the past 7 months with no support system or even a safe place to cry or take care of myself(my roommate is very mean and yells at me all the time and gets mad if I make too much noise, so even my own home isn’t a safe place to cry or even unwind). I have been bottling up these feelings I have about my fathers sudden death because I had no other choice. The last 7 months have been such a blur and I can’t believe it’s been that long. For a long time I’d been struggling with the urge to relapse. One of my biggest motivators was that I didn’t want to break my clean streak. The other day I just felt so...numb, and sad, at the same time. Does that make sense? I just didn’t even care anymore and I relapsed. I self harmed. And I’ve been doing it a few times a day since. I just can’t find a reason to care anymore. None of this even feels real. I feel like the past 7 months didn’t even happen because they were so miserable. I just don’t want my friends or family to know.
I wish I could afford to see a professional. I would have gotten help a long time ago. But it’s not free here. It’s $130 per session at the cheapest. Mental health care shouldn’t be so expensive. But it is and not accessible to me.
I just feel like I don’t care anymore. What do I do?
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
463
Location
Minnesota, USA
#2
My condolences on the passing of your father. I am very sorry that you have to do SH and struggling.

It’s very frustrating that you can’t even get help.

Is there any free mental health services in your area? Have you looked on google?

Are you living close to home? Sorry for asking many questions but what concerns me is the behavior of your roommate.

You need to get professional help first and eliminate all sources of stress and that’s your living situation.

I hope things get better for you soon.
 
PawnBurns

PawnBurns

Member
Joined
Mar 12, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Portland
#4
My condolences on the passing of your father. I am very sorry that you have to do SH and struggling.

It’s very frustrating that you can’t even get help.

Is there any free mental health services in your area? Have you looked on google?

Are you living close to home? Sorry for asking many questions but what concerns me is the behavior of your roommate.

You need to get professional help first and eliminate all sources of stress and that’s your living situation.

I hope things get better for you soon.
Thank you for the condolences, it’s very appreciated.
I’m not close to home. I’m 1300 miles away from home and about to move back on April 22nd. I am stuck here until then. Hoping things will be better once I’m back with my friends and family. But the hope doesn’t seem to be enough to keep me okay. Everything and everyone is so shitty to me where I’m at.
I’ve definitely tried to find free resources. Even support groups cost money.
Getting away from my roommate will be big help...thinking of the things she says to me, how hostile she can be...it’s one of the things that makes me feel really down.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
419
Location
California, USA
#6
I feel the same way you do about mental health care being so unaffordable, it's really a problem that no one is addressing.
I dont know much about self harm, so hopefully someone with some experience with it can advise you, but it seems like you are doing it out of the desire to feel something besides numbness and sadness?
It's very concerning to me! Do you think there is a way you can stop? How did you stop last time? I hate to think of you in such pain.