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vent/advice: I really can't stand myself and I don't want to like this person who I am.

moonperson

moonperson

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Joined
Feb 28, 2020
Messages
32
Location
New Jersey usa
Just a warning, reading this could be upsetting.
I don't want anything good anymore. I don't want to keep trying because I know it is me lying to myself. I will never be any better and this is why, because I don't want to be. I do actually want to be, but the reality is that those wants distract me from the fact that I will never feel like I deserve that happiness. I feel like the world is too big for me. I feel like I'm never enough and I never will be. I try to accept myself and it is impossible. I try so hard to get better and I just keep hitting the same roadblocks and never overcoming them. I hate going places even if I like those places, and I just go because people want me to. I am always reaching with one hand and pushing away with the other. I don't want to be this way because I don't want to disappoint everyone else by being sad and by hating myself and by going nowhere in life. I have passions but I can't make myself go further with them because it hurts so much because I am there. I am part of it and I hate me. I just hate everything about myself. I am so thankful for my opportunity to live, but so sad because I can't seem to take the opportunity. Everything I love feels wrong. And if I were to take the "right" path and be normal and give up everything I love, I wouldn't be able to live it because in my core I don't feel those things. I choose things for my core self and I just hate them because they are now attached to me. I love my friends so much but I never want to talk to them again because I hate that they know me. It hurts to think that people know me. I can't lie to myself. Sorry if this is really depressing, I'm just not doing well. Thank you a lot for reading, I hope this doesn't make anyone upset! It'll be okay
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Jul 31, 2020
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5,462
Location
Canada
It's OK to say what you need to on here. Feelings of depression can make things difficult and confusing. Hope you can become well soon and see yourself in a kinder light.
 
00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986)

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Apr 10, 2020
Messages
5,720
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planet earth
I’m sry your going thru this

I hope you feel better
 
moonperson

moonperson

Active member
Joined
Feb 28, 2020
Messages
32
Location
New Jersey usa
It's OK to say what you need to on here. Feelings of depression can make things difficult and confusing. Hope you can become well soon and see yourself in a kinder light.
Oh thank you for the kind words :)
 
A

always thirsty

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Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
125
Location
colorado
omg i LOVE THIS SITE!!! so many people JUST LIKE ME!

" And if I were to take the "right" path and be normal and give up everything I love, I wouldn't be able to live it because in my core I don't feel those things. " wow you described perfectly something i've struggled with most of my life!! are you artistic? you're a total existentialist! that's why life is so confusing - when you talk about letting go to move on but you can't because it feels disingenuine, it's bc that sadness and questioning of everything in life is what makes you...you! but i get it you just want to be productive, but in doing so it feels like you're selling out and losing your identity.

this one is a head scratcher, because i've worked my way out of it and been happy for stretches but during that time you will not be able to get to those creative, inspiring moments where the music flows or the words never stop flowing if you are a writer. i just get the sense you are an artist of some sort. i am currently going through a depression, not the one you are dealing with though. but i do remember going through that many times in my past. the problem is that the creativity is stifled anyway due to the dulling of your passion to even create in the first place!! it's frustrating as hell, and it makes you feel so apathetic.

i'm not gonna be able to give you advice, and i'm not even sure you want any. but i do want to say that i'm here for you. a digital shoulder to lean on. we still have quite a long stretch ahead of us collectively due to the dramatic lifestyle changes of 2020 and some of us need to just let it out. i know i do. thank you for your post, it helped me somehow.
 
D

Deleted member 95745

Guest
Hello. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate. Especially when it comes to comparing myself to the rest of the world. I try to find something good about myself, but I just can't. But there are moments when I have a positive thought telling me this: What would you tell your childhood self? I start to think over the terrible things I tell myself everyday. And then this thought enters my mind and I realize that me telling myself these hurtful things doesn't really do anything. I think about who I was when I was younger, and what would I tell her. Instead of hate, I would try to give her advice. So I give myself advice. I realize that I need help. Talking to my mom, going to therapy, taking medications, and anything that helps me is what I'm trying to focus on.

It's not easy. But I hope you feel better soon and that you find something to help you out. I found out that speaking to someone really helps me a lot. Maybe this can help you, too.
 
moonperson

moonperson

Active member
Joined
Feb 28, 2020
Messages
32
Location
New Jersey usa
omg i LOVE THIS SITE!!! so many people JUST LIKE ME!

" And if I were to take the "right" path and be normal and give up everything I love, I wouldn't be able to live it because in my core I don't feel those things. " wow you described perfectly something i've struggled with most of my life!! are you artistic? you're a total existentialist! that's why life is so confusing - when you talk about letting go to move on but you can't because it feels disingenuine, it's bc that sadness and questioning of everything in life is what makes you...you! but i get it you just want to be productive, but in doing so it feels like you're selling out and losing your identity.

this one is a head scratcher, because i've worked my way out of it and been happy for stretches but during that time you will not be able to get to those creative, inspiring moments where the music flows or the words never stop flowing if you are a writer. i just get the sense you are an artist of some sort. i am currently going through a depression, not the one you are dealing with though. but i do remember going through that many times in my past. the problem is that the creativity is stifled anyway due to the dulling of your passion to even create in the first place!! it's frustrating as hell, and it makes you feel so apathetic.

i'm not gonna be able to give you advice, and i'm not even sure you want any. but i do want to say that i'm here for you. a digital shoulder to lean on. we still have quite a long stretch ahead of us collectively due to the dramatic lifestyle changes of 2020 and some of us need to just let it out. i know i do. thank you for your post, it helped me somehow.
Oh my gosh thank you. This is a really great place to find understanding, I am so thankful we found this!! I like to write poems and I am pursuing art too, but this is actually kind of about... well everything. It's mostly about my identity and how I am having a hard time accepting myself and sharing it with others. But you're right that this applies to everything about me, I am insecure about my art. I feel like it is pointless for me to pursue the things I care about because I still don't want ME to be part of the equation. And because it feels like I should be doing things that are helpful to others because that's the only way I don't feel ashamed of my existence.
Also I understand what you mean about being happy and not being able to get creativity out of it, but I think it's possible to have happiness that isn't forced and it allows harmony and contentment with having other emotions too. Depth doesn't have to leave you in order for you to be happy, it doesn't have to be fake. You will have that depth in you and all emotions are amazing and part of life. I think it's just when we are so imbalanced that there is too much pain or too much numbness, things that fully incapacitate us emotionally, and there are no other perspectives in our mind and no energy to create. There are so many sides of that issue but I think living through all of them is part of understanding yourself and expressing yourself.
It's really nice to hear from someone who also experiences these kinds of struggles. It's hard to grapple with the feeling of "oh I have to do what is expected of me" when you have this intense personality or maybe just ideas that don't fit with what others expect. But know that there are people who want you to be yourself! It'd be sad if we were all boring because we refused to accept ourselves. It'd be sad if we were all the same. I appreciate your comment :)
 
moonperson

moonperson

Active member
Joined
Feb 28, 2020
Messages
32
Location
New Jersey usa
Hello. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate. Especially when it comes to comparing myself to the rest of the world. I try to find something good about myself, but I just can't. But there are moments when I have a positive thought telling me this: What would you tell your childhood self? I start to think over the terrible things I tell myself everyday. And then this thought enters my mind and I realize that me telling myself these hurtful things doesn't really do anything. I think about who I was when I was younger, and what would I tell her. Instead of hate, I would try to give her advice. So I give myself advice. I realize that I need help. Talking to my mom, going to therapy, taking medications, and anything that helps me is what I'm trying to focus on.

It's not easy. But I hope you feel better soon and that you find something to help you out. I found out that speaking to someone really helps me a lot. Maybe this can help you, too.
Thank you for this reply. It is really eye opening when you think of the moments you might have been your honest and true self for a little while. Like as a kid, drawing with crayons and just doing it because you enjoy it not because of what others think. And now what others think has impacted us so much that even what we think of ourselves is so warped. We sometimes lose our truth trying to please the world, and it's good to want to be good in the world but being good for yourself enables that. You're worth all the effort you've been putting in to try and stay afloat and unlearn self hatred. I'm really proud of you. Thank you for sharing this
 
A

always thirsty

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
125
Location
colorado
you are an artist, i knew it!!! we can smell our own 😂

i wish i could help with some advice, but i really can't. i can be here to post back n forth with you though!

let's be real, real art that comes from conflicted people and comes from a very confusing and chaotic place. it's not something you can quantify so it's not something we can really (honestly) offer guidance on. some might disagree, but it's a place of individual expression, so that's all you. it's demoralizing that most artists have to struggle but that's the nature of the beast. when you can capture that struggle while in the midst of it....well that is something to admire bc when you are at that point there is so much that can, and wants to, prevent you from expressing it.

my most recent productive era of writing was when i was on the sidewalk in front of the bar, usually right after it closed, in hollywood...putting pen to paper. but it was so illegible and all over the place that my normal routine was going to a cafe the next day and bringing another notebook to decipher the previous nights writings.

everyone has something that works for them, for me writing at home alone never worked. i had to be in a certain atmosphere...always.
 
A

always thirsty

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
125
Location
colorado
Oh my gosh thank you. This is a really great place to find understanding, I am so thankful we found this!! I like to write poems and I am pursuing art too, but this is actually kind of about... well everything. It's mostly about my identity and how I am having a hard time accepting myself and sharing it with others. But you're right that this applies to everything about me, I am insecure about my art. I feel like it is pointless for me to pursue the things I care about because I still don't want ME to be part of the equation. And because it feels like I should be doing things that are helpful to others because that's the only way I don't feel ashamed of my existence.
Also I understand what you mean about being happy and not being able to get creativity out of it, but I think it's possible to have happiness that isn't forced and it allows harmony and contentment with having other emotions too. Depth doesn't have to leave you in order for you to be happy, it doesn't have to be fake. You will have that depth in you and all emotions are amazing and part of life. I think it's just when we are so imbalanced that there is too much pain or too much numbness, things that fully incapacitate us emotionally, and there are no other perspectives in our mind and no energy to create. There are so many sides of that issue but I think living through all of them is part of understanding yourself and expressing yourself.
It's really nice to hear from someone who also experiences these kinds of struggles. It's hard to grapple with the feeling of "oh I have to do what is expected of me" when you have this intense personality or maybe just ideas that don't fit with what others expect. But know that there are people who want you to be yourself! It'd be sad if we were all boring because we refused to accept ourselves. It'd be sad if we were all the same. I appreciate your comment :)
i just reread your post, and i just want to let you know it helped me. you are right about being content and yet being able to express yourself. we are different of course, and what i posted was maybe more about me - and what you posted was maybe just a tiny bit of therapy for me and i'm grateful the insight. you're an angel.

i've never written about feelings of contentment, not more than a trickle here and there. i'm damaged and i've used writing as an outlet for that. but maybe i could try something different.
 
K

katwomyn3

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
46
Location
Los angeles
I feel the exact same way, constantly. When I feel hopeful, I question whether its because my attachment to others. I have a lot of good things going for me, but I feel an obligation to those things and people to keep going. I am not suicidal in the sense that I am actively wanting to end my life. But, I feel like my existence is unnecessary.
But, I realize that I am tired of fighting. And when I think about it deeply, its I am tired of feeling this way. Not that I am tired of life. I am tired of feeling so hopeless and mechanical. I love my family and I love that they love me, despite how I am. I am glad that I have a place at work and my coworkers appreciate me and like my personality, how fake it feels on my part they like the parts of it that I don't realize I put out there.
You may have that and don't realize because what you put out there is fake. But maybe you need to think about what the negative part of yourself affects others. You are honest, in some way, your post made me gravitate to you because you are honest and it did not put me off in any way. You have value. But you may not see that. You may not feel as if you have any great input to put into the world. But you do. I am grateful you posted how you felt, because it resonated and you put in words that I did not courage to do so myself. So thank you for posting how you felt, because you are not alone.
 
D

Deleted member 93850

Guest
Just a warning, reading this could be upsetting.
I don't want anything good anymore. I don't want to keep trying because I know it is me lying to myself. I will never be any better and this is why, because I don't want to be. I do actually want to be, but the reality is that those wants distract me from the fact that I will never feel like I deserve that happiness. I feel like the world is too big for me. I feel like I'm never enough and I never will be. I try to accept myself and it is impossible. I try so hard to get better and I just keep hitting the same roadblocks and never overcoming them. I hate going places even if I like those places, and I just go because people want me to. I am always reaching with one hand and pushing away with the other. I don't want to be this way because I don't want to disappoint everyone else by being sad and by hating myself and by going nowhere in life. I have passions but I can't make myself go further with them because it hurts so much because I am there. I am part of it and I hate me. I just hate everything about myself. I am so thankful for my opportunity to live, but so sad because I can't seem to take the opportunity. Everything I love feels wrong. And if I were to take the "right" path and be normal and give up everything I love, I wouldn't be able to live it because in my core I don't feel those things. I choose things for my core self and I just hate them because they are now attached to me. I love my friends so much but I never want to talk to them again because I hate that they know me. It hurts to think that people know me. I can't lie to myself. Sorry if this is really depressing, I'm just not doing well. Thank you a lot for reading, I hope this doesn't make anyone upset! It'll be okay
My life is like a rollercoaster so I totally understand you.





i just reread your post, and i just want to let you know it helped me. you are right about being content and yet being able to express yourself. we are different of course, and what i posted was maybe more about me - and what you posted was maybe just a tiny bit of therapy for me and i'm grateful the insight. you're an angel.

i've never written about feelings of contentment, not more than a trickle here and there. i'm damaged and i've used writing as an outlet for that. but maybe i could try something different.
I write several hour's every day. Sometimes I feel it's the only connection to life that I have. I can write, I love you, I hate you, etc. What my characters tell each other isn't a lie.

When I try to reconnect with the physical world it's such a challenge. People can show me tons of love and give me attention but deep down I don't care.

Going out in public is one big exhausting show of bullshit. Smiling and looking happy is my specialty. I'll use aliases sometimes because YOLO. Make it interesting by keeping my real identity secret.
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
631
I sense all or nothing thinking in what moonperson has written here. Yet, there is a very grounded selflessness towards friends and zest for living. Putting things into perspective is often difficult when depressed.
 
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