***US VETERAN*** Need help before I end it myself

Gajolene

Gajolene

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#21
I think SarahD gave you some really good links in regards to the PTSD. I wanted to give you a couple links in regards to your headaches.

Cluster headache - Mayo Clinic

Migraine - Mayo Clinic

Search Results - Mayo Clinic

Please keep talking with us as well. It's a safe place to talk about things that you can't discuss with anyone else. People just don't get unless they've experienced it themselves. There is so much stigma and misinformation about ptsd out there it's incredibly scary when it happens to you.

I don't think I would be here today if it wasn't for this forum. I've been going through relapses of PTSD for 27 years now. Through here and researching on my own, I've managed mainly med free and without a lot of therapy over the years. When I first came here like you I thought my life was over. I was feeling completely lost and had lost all hope, I was very suicidal, moody swinging from frustration to anger, to absolute grif and dispair. I though if I was tough enough, i could get over it on my own. The people here helped direct me to the right resources, and at times I did have to reach out for help medically on temporary periods. I've seen therapists for short periods, they don't do kumbyya stuff at all. What they do is teach you coping techniques to help through periods of depression, panick, pain management and anxiety. And it does work. I am in no way a girly girl, I've toughed it out through most of my life. My father was career military as well almost 40 years, so you can imagine how my family dealt with things. I found telling people about my ptsd extreamly difficult, I had more people, mock me, critisize me, I lost a lot of people over it. There's so much misinformation out there I finally gave up and now keep it between family that still accepts me, one or two true friends, and with my friends here.

I guess I'm saying don't give up yet, keep talking here for now. Life keeps changing and you can get through this, you said you would be punished if you revealed you mental health to the doctors and be put on a system. What does that mean exactly. Is it possible that your fears and anxiety are making it worse than it actually is. What have you been told will happen?
 
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deathwillconsumeus

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#22
Ive examined my fears and no, the mental health system in my state is really that bad. In the past three years ive had four fellow nco's life ruined by this. One of whom ended up offing himself after they stripped him of his rank and gave him a "less than honorable" discharge. Why did he get that treatment? Because he simply talked to the chaplin about some adjustment issues he was having. The chaplin then called the va shrink. The shrink tried making him take meds and a 5% disability for ptsd. He took the meds but refused the disability. None of them were a danger to themselves or others. All lost thier jobs because their employer was told by the va that they were "crazy". The other three are being medboarded because they talked to a mental health proffesional. Except for little things here and there they had relatively normal lives. So i can only imagine what would happen to me, especialy since ive kept it quiet for so long.

The searching for an answer, the few days i possibly have left, along with the ibuprofen and tylenol no longer helping has caused severe headaches. Thier so bad i cant get my eyes to focus, can hardly do anything, and have made it so hard to hide that people have noticed. My command knows somethings up, and keeps asking if im ok, or if im going to do something stupid. Unfortunately i cant find any asprin, or naproxen to try. I havnt slept more than 4hours a night the past two nights.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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#23
They certainly sound like migraines to me. My focus goes out of whack and I see this glowing rainbow halow of colours in my eye's about an hour before they hit. I get supersensitive to light and noises as well. They are excruciating when they hit.

There are several reasons people develop them, you don't have to give them any reason and say you don't know whats causing them. Then no worries about labeling or them finding out about the PTSD. They put me on gabapentin and I havn't had a migraine since, a regular doctor prescribed them for other chronic pain but they work for migraines as well.

Try the naproxen if you can get them first, they have antiimflamnatories in them which I think work better than the tylenols for migraines at least. Ask your regular doc about the gabapentin if you get the chance. I'm no professional mind you so I'm only offering as my personal opinion, not as fact.
 
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deathwillconsumeus

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#25
I cried for the first time in 15 years last night. Tears of joy. I called a lawyer in my state to find any answers that might help. He told me that as long as I went strait to a neurologist (no gp), and don't admit to any symptoms that might send me to a shrink, then it would be no different then getting a broken bone fixed. I also brought up to him the issue of the military, he said that if the Dr deems it necessary to start me on somthing for the pain, to ask for somthing that wont show up on a drug test. He also said that if it requires any treatment other than medicine, then I'm fucked (with the military). Thats fine with me ive only got a year left. He reiterated over and over again that he is not a Dr, but deals with these phone calls weekly.

I'm soooo happy. I just have to find a way to push through the next 2-3 months. Its absolutely amazing how much more alert you are once you have a glimmer of hope to live.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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#26
So glad to hear your finally getting some answers locally and have a place to start pain management and a recovery process. Huge hugs to you, This is great news. :nod1:
 
S

Se7en

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#28
Wow, I'm so relieved to know that you're doing better! I don't know if you're aware or not but Dr. Phil (on t.v.) created an app called "Doctor on Demand", where you can actually speak to a doctor OR a psychologist through the app/website. Here's a link, in case you're interested? There IS a charge, because obviously, they're doctors so that's understandable. They have general physicians, pediatricians, psychologists & lactation consultants available RIGHT THERE, a click away! (The fees posted at the bottom of the page said $40.00 per visit, just to give you an idea) I HOPE this helps!

Urgent Care Doctors & Psychologists - Doctor On Demand
 
Kerome

Kerome

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#29
I was amazed at the treatment they give military with these kinds of symptoms, it's obviously a very good thing that you spoke to a lawyer. But I think from an overall treatment point of view the approach of just managing the pain is not ideal. You're probably heaping up adjustment problems for the long term. So I hope that when you get the opportunity you will get some professional help, maybe in another state with some more respect for patient privacy.
 
Life fodder

Life fodder

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#30
Do you have insurance? What horrible state are you in? I'm also a vet and I detest the VA beyond reason but the things you describe are no joke and need handled. Are you still in? If so speak with a chaplain because they have weight and can pull it. The va isn't really the best, even a little, but they will scan your cat. I was ordered to the va and honestly it was probably a good idea. If you're injured on duty that's fault of the military and if someone try's to mess with you there congress always has your back. I have plenty of info and have been through the va ringer. Never quit, too many of our brothers and sisters are quitting early and we can get you as good as you can be. Message me if you like as I've done this before. Are you in a private support group?
 
Life fodder

Life fodder

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#31
Im still trying to figure this forum out as the app doesn't work well but I'll give you all the tools I can
 
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deathwillconsumeus

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#33
I haven't been on in a while. Mostly out of shame. I had FINALLY found a neurologist that didn't require insurance, or a referral as long as you payed up front. Well, when I called back to move my appointment date due to my return being moved, they informed me that they had found that I was under tricare (government insurance), and could not see me without my command's approval. That was enough to dump all hope from me. The next day I packed my gear and left a note in my room. I went out to a bunker, and tried to off myself. I'm not going to post the method, but it failed. Apparently otc sleeping pills (only part of the plan) have the complete opposite effect on me. I had given my weapon to one of my soldiers and told him I was going on a run(didn't want there to be a weapon search when they found the note). Had I brought my weapon with, I would have used that.

That was I believe july 12ish. Im home now, and am still too embarrassed to even talk to anyone about the deployment.....because of that incident. Ive been talking to a good friend from a previous deployment about this (the issues) who I trust to keep quiet. He still doesn't know about the suicide attempt, and I know that would be the last straw to make him tell.

Ive now got access to [removed]of course. So ived decided to just ride life out. If the [removed] kill me oh well, if this some how clears up-great. What ever happens, happens.
 
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Life fodder

Life fodder

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#34
You can't live like that man. There was a soldier I knew who took the route you're taking that isn't with us anymore and that had a ripple effect on his family, friends, and brothers in arms. Put down the bottle, just put it down... I had to quit drinking because it won't ever put you in a good place. I understand self medication, I really do, but that doesn't help anything it only prolongs the battle and gives your Demons more ammo. Get help, please get help, 22/23 a day is too many. I know you're afraid of what will happen and I completely understand that but some fights aren't worth fighting alone. I've been where you're at, the eff it and see what happens route just leads to more problems. Honestly at this point someone needs to "tell" and intervene on your behalf. You've been through more than most can even understand and need to get checked. It's your duty to get this handled and if that means talking to a commander than so be it. Bring your chaplain, hell bring someone else's chaplain if you don't like yours. Your actions will impact someone you care about and could push them off the ledge too. You've sacrificed enough already, get that referral because treatment may be out there and you don't know it. Obviously I can't make you do anything but you owe it to everyone you love to seek the help that is right there.
 
calypso

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#35
I'm not in a good place right now,but I wanted to say that I agree with Lifefodder. Take care, we are all worth something, and many on here know how it feels to be where you are.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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#36
I haven't been on in a while. Mostly out of shame. I had FINALLY found a neurologist that didn't require insurance, or a referral as long as you payed up front. Well, when I called back to move my appointment date due to my return being moved, they informed me that they had found that I was under tricare (government insurance), and could not see me without my command's approval. That was enough to dump all hope from me. The next day I packed my gear and left a note in my room. I went out to a bunker, and tried to off myself. I'm not going to post the method, but it failed. Apparently otc sleeping pills (only part of the plan) have the complete opposite effect on me. I had given my weapon to one of my soldiers and told him I was going on a run(didn't want there to be a weapon search when they found the note). Had I brought my weapon with, I would have used that.

That was I believe july 12ish. Im home now, and am still too embarrassed to even talk to anyone about the deployment.....because of that incident. Ive been talking to a good friend from a previous deployment about this (the issues) who I trust to keep quiet. He still doesn't know about the suicide attempt, and I know that would be the last straw to make him tell.

Ive now got access to [removed]of course. So ived decided to just ride life out. If the [removed] kill me oh well, if this some how clears up-great. What ever happens, happens.
I was wondering how you were getting along. With things as bad as it is for you now, don't you think it's time you included your commanding officer in on what's going on and got refered to the VA. Self medicating will only make things worse and holding this secret has made things really bad for you. So reaching out for real help can't make things worse, regardless of the rumours you have heard about them. Have you researched the services they offer online.
 
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Paytek

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#37
I'm a veteran, too.

Us Army.

I didn't finish reading that before I thought-- this guy has a TBI. I think all you can do is go to the doc. Tbis are pretty serious.

We had a guy in my last unit who had one, and he went off the wall. I'm not sure what kind of medical advice to give you, but get help somewhere, battle.
 
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Paytek

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#38
Oh. No. No. No. No!
There are so many people in foreign lands trying to kill soldiers. And so many soldiers killing themselves, already, friend..

I know it's scary. And you think that it damages your promotion or what your unit thinks of you. But you really need to see an on post PCM.

That's how I got my anxiety diagnosed.
I was so afraid.. That my cdr and my 1sg would find out, but I kept having panic attacks in the open rank inspec every morning. About had a heart attack every time my CSM approached me.

I had to go. I had to tell my pcm.

Nobody in my unit found out, either. Unless I told them.
 
Yodagirl

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#39
My state , while very profreedom, for some reason thinks simply talking to a professional qualifies you as mentally dangerous. I appriciate where thier coming from on it, however, they are just making things worse. I cant talk to a gp as they have a mandatory report for anything involving head issues.

The headaches are mostly managed by all the otc pain relievers. The pain is there about 75%-80% of the time. My body has been adapting to the otc drugs, and thus the headaches are begining to be unmanageable.
Is there anyway you could speak with a Military Chaplin? I know they can’t report anything you tell them. Maybe that would give you someone to talk to about the Anger and depression? Just trying to offer a lil help.
 
Yodagirl

Yodagirl

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#40
I'm a veteran, too.

Us Army.

I didn't finish reading that before I thought-- this guy has a TBI. I think all you can do is go to the doc. Tbis are pretty serious.

We had a guy in my last unit who had one, and he went off the wall. I'm not sure what kind of medical advice to give you, but get help somewhere, battle.
Yes, I have a friend that just got medical retirement from the Army. He got 80% from Army 100 VA. Maybe it’s something worth thinking about. Your mental health is far more important than a clearance in the military.