Ups and downs of recovery

[KP1]

I have been feeling a lot better for a good few days but now my mood has changed yet again,couldn't sleep last night,feel agitated and restless but not really depressed as such and appetite has gone today after being a pig yesterday.The trigger I think was some news about problems with close relatives so I feel like I'm going to go back down hill agin.
Why is this illness such a b.......d?
Feeling on the edge and unbalanced.

 

[nickh]

Sorry to hear you were having a bad day yesterday KP. But I definitely have no answer to the question . If I knew that.....................

Anyway I hope that you are a bit better today. Even if you couldn't avoid the trigger (and I know sometimes it is impossible - I feel like a rabbit in headlights at times) it is good that you are able to recognise it.

Nick.

 

[Dollit]

Recognizing the trigger means that you have insight and that can help you enormously in dealing with episodes. I have two distinct types of depression. One is where I can't do anything about it and it all feels out of my control. The other is where I know if I make the effort to act as if all is well then all will be well. It took me a long time to figure that one out. Act as if and see what happens.

 

[KP1]

Its taken me a long time to realise that and to be able to identify individual triggers as for several months I havn't had a clue what affects my mood so aqt least its a start now.

 

[Dollit]

It's a good start KP and let's face it, we have to learn an awful lot just to be able get by somedays.

 

[KP1]

I think for me as well I'm still not very accepting of depression having always coped one way or another in the past( or at least I thoughtI was even if I wasn't) I've now had a year totally in bits. On one of your other posts you mention taking 10 yrs to acceptyour diagnoses.
I'm still not convinced of mine and may be at risk of bi polar as its in the family .Most people though seem to get diagnosed with this at a much younger age but who knows.

 

[Dollit]

Bipolar diagnosis is typically made in the 20s age group - mid 20s usually. Mine was masked by alcoholism & drug abuse. Onset of bipolarity is rarer the nearer 40 you get. I fought my diagnosis because I wanted it to be anything but and having access to a lot of medical stuff that most people don't have (because I was a researcher for a GP) I found all sorts of things I would have preferred it to be. Sooner or later you have to allow yourself some peace and with the consultant and GP I have now I got there. I feel better now I have accepted it and because most of the people I get to work with accept it as well it makes it easier for me.

 

[KP1]

I suppose its about accepting what we get in life and making the best of it. I used to think that severe mental illness was the end of the world I'm gradually becoming more accepting of it and I hope in some ways a betterperson because of it.

 

[Dollit]

I was told that diagnosis of a severe mental health problem was a bit like hearing that you'd died and that the grieving process was the same. I felt for a long time that I hadn't been living my life and that I was an imposter. I'm over that feeling now but it was hard. Just a step at a time will do it.

 

[nickh]

Longer than 10 years in my case kp. As I have remarked before this is a bit of a tricky one this for us old-stagers ) not that I want to include anyone else in the 'old-stager' category without their permission!). Because there are people who will have a few severe depressive episodes and then with the help of the right medication/therapy/whatever recover. It is not a very cheerful message to say that depression is a life sentence and it is certainly NOT true in all cases. But where it is the appropriate education/therapy/lifestyle will reduce the severity/length/frequency of the episodes to something that can be coped and lived with. And then you have to start taking the positives just as you have done kp - I agree with you totally that in some ways depression is capable of making you a better person; it has done so with me - I am more tolerant, sympathetic, even, I hope, kinder.

Nick.

 

[KP1]

Maybe once I clear prescription drugs out of my system I'll know how ill or not I really am.At the moment I don't have a clue. I have been on AD now for a year and realise this week tht actually I don't feel well so they may have stopped be killing myself for which I am really grateful but surely thats not it???. This is the first major episode in my life that I have had to have treatment for apart from once many years ago that I can barely remember now and can't remember how long then I took ADs or what they were.
I need abetter quality of life than I am having, I've lost my career permanently now which is interesting because if it had been a broken leg I wouldn't have done.sorry starting to ramble. (well some one has to)

 

[nickh]

No problem with rambling here .

Nick.

 

[Dollit]

If there was I'd be out on my ear.

 

[nickh]

me too.

Nick.

 

[Dollit]

Well if we ever need exercise Nick we can go rambling together!