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C

CabbageMama

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
817
Location
UK
Has been a while! After 3.5 months of hell, my 12 year old told me they needed me of their own volition on Thursday night and are now back living with me and their Brother at Home. I reported my Stepdad to the Police for domestic abuse about a month ago in relation to myself, on the basis that my child was not safe living there. That was handled badly, but subsequently (not related at all to my child coming home) is being taken very seriously. This has led to the case being stepped up to Children’s Services for assessments, my Parenting is not and has never been in question. I have been begging for assessments the whole way along, to prove I am a good Mum, to prove Bee is not safe there. They have refused to liaise with my MH team, who have positively supported me the whole time, but that hasn’t been believed.

My Stepdad has had everyone believing I was an unhinged child abuser and that my child was self harming due to my Parenting and emotional abuse. The worse Bee got in their care, the more I got blamed, ’the trauma emerging’ they said. Bee stopped showering, eating, didn’t sleep, wasn’t communicating, refused to see me, wouldn’t engage with School. It all got put down to me. My Stepdad tried to ally with my Ex Husband, telling him I was mentally unwell and not fit to care for the children, he knew I had always been unstable and Bee had told them I was abusive. That I was volatile and angry, alcoholic and unpredictable, they were not safe with me. God knows what he told Childrens Services, but they refused to believe anything I said, insisted it was Bee’s decision to live with Grandparents and I should support it. They told me I was selfish, that I was not putting Bee first, that my MH was clouding my judgement. Camhs would not engage with me at all, said Bee’s wishes and feelings were confidential. School were great with me until Bee left to live with Grandparents, then would not work with me.

It has been the worst worst time, BUT I had felt forced in to starting the legal process to ensure Bee’s safety, so did that. That meant I got listened to by the right people and have been issued an independent domestic violence support worker by the Police, who will represent me at a big multiagency meeting next week. I don’t have to go through any of that. They have helped me get legal aid and a Solicitor in case I need one, though it is unlikely I will. Despite being told I am a bad Parent and that allegations have been made and investigations are imminent, that is all bullshit. I am not begging to be assessed out of desperation any longer, but am assuring people that they are welcome to come to the house to meet with me or me and the children whenever they want to arrange to. I have made contact with all Agencies to update them. Camhs are happy to start afresh with Bee and myself - they don’t know Bee at all, so will need to. We have a joint session this week to start us off on the right foot.

Bee has been too scared to sleep on their own since they got back, but has been sleeping in my bed with me. And actually sleeping! They have been eating loads, come out shopping with me, helped me cook, we have been chilling the three of us watching films. We have had their Dad over for tea and cake, they have showered and done their hair properly. I sat with them and did the first few bits of homework they have done since they left here. They have been super affectionate, very chatty, we have been singing loudly and dancing round the house. By some miracle, the medication I am on - Topiramate - seems to finally be the right fit. They started me on Sertraline at the same time, which was not a good call, so I am just on the Topamax, but my head is so much clearer, my moods more consistent and I am able to sleep better. Not massively long always, but enough. I am much more active, so physically tired. And have lost just over a stone too, which has been a massive bonus. Still not drinking, still not smoking. Don’t miss either. And I have my baby back. ❤
 
S

SFGuy

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2021
Messages
346
Location
California
I am so glad that the family is back together and doing so well. The news about Bee is wonderful.

You have been so strong so often through this, especially not drinking or smoking and holding on to hope when things were looking dark.
 
C

CabbageMama

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
817
Location
UK
I am so glad that the family is back together and doing so well. The news about Bee is wonderful.

You have been so strong so often through this, especially not drinking or smoking and holding on to hope when things were looking dark.
I have been suicidal a number of times, honestly. But always called and talked it through with them. My MH team have been outstandingly supportive. All the other services involved, until very recently, have been horrific, absolutely dreadful, but my MH team have listened to me, believed everything I have said (which has always been the truth) and always managed to convince me I could not give up. They documented all contact I had with them, so even though I didn’t remember a lot, there was a really full picture of all the help and support I had asked for and why. Little details even, like making the call from the car, because I was scared and needed support, but didn’t want the children to know I was so bad. I was safe, but could do with a chat to feel better, so I would be able to sleep, because I was going to need to take them to School in the morning and had to be safe to. I called when my child was self harming and I felt I couldn‘t keep them safe or identify why they were doing it and was worried it must be my ‘madness’ causing it (which is what services and my Parents HAVE been blaming it on for the past 9 months) They reassured me this was absolutely NOT the case and I was doing and dealing with it in absolutely the right way. My child is now being assessed by Camhs for Autism, which will help us get the right focused support for them. And I get my own support worker from Camhs to better support them. Finally, the Lifeboats arrive!

Thank you so much. I have spent my whole Life feeling I am weak and everybody else thought I was too. But it turns out I am strong, because my children needed me to be and I could be anything for them. I am not a Fighter naturally, not at all. But I don’t need to fight anymore. 🙂
 
C

CabbageMama

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
817
Location
UK
Long may it continue!
Absolutely! I am being super cautious and making time for myself. Am off to a ‘Women in the Wilderness‘ group in a moment... No idea what it involves, other than Mindfulness and cooking lunch over a campfire, but sounds fun, so said yes! 😂

Bee had been refusing School, along with most other things. I have been very loving and kind and gentle, but firm. Explained that neither of us can go back to how things were with us before, with my MH being so poor and their behaviour and self harm out of control, so they need to trust that I have worked really hard to learn different ways of working and respect that. School, meals at the table, personal hygiene, no phones at dinner or in bed, earlier bedtimes with no lights on etc etc. Some mild questioning of it, but not one single challenge or argument so far, I think it is all helping them feel safe. They have had the most horrible and scary time away from me. I am explaining as we go along that it benefits everyone. And it has - I had two kids happily doing homework at the dining room table after dinner yesterday after they had cleared their plates away as we were all enjoying the playlist we had started listening to and I wanted to get the washing up done. I hadn’t even asked Toby to do any homework and Bee was going to do theirs once I had finished to help them. Bee incidentally has been given a pass from School to be allowed to do no homework at all. I got them back on the rescue mission late Thursday night and this was the 3rd piece of homework they have completed this week. 🙌 Disturbed children, Bad Mother, my arse. 🙄😂
 
N

natalie

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 1, 2014
Messages
18,653
Hi Cabbagmama,

Welcome back to theforums.


Take care ,


Natalie.
 
C

CabbageMama

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
817
Location
UK
Hiya. Just wanted to update the update. Bee is living as a boy now, far more comfortable that way and called Alex. They have been home two and a half weeks now and it has been incredible. In School every day, atmosphere at home has been amazing, Toby is a Superstar as always. I have been keeping a tight ship, but being very ‘namasté’ and focusing on the positives and what matters. The MARAC meeting was Thursday, I scored 15/19 as a very high risk victim - all being taken exceptionally seriously by every single agency. Me and the children are totally protected from my Parents on an immediate level, locks changed and red alert for emergency calls etc, but agencies liaising on planning next steps too. The big Childrens Services led, but multi agency meeting was on Friday. Alex was adamant they were attending and speaking - they have finally found their voice! They challenged the shitty Family support worker, spoke up for themselves, were eloquent, succinct and came across perfectly. I was so so proud of them. I said everything I wanted and needed to in a dignified and polite way. All involvement from Children’s Services has now stopped. I was finally acknowledged as a strong and resilient woman and Mother, who seeks help for themselves and their children in a focused and positive way. It was lovely to have the MH SW there, not for support, I didn’t need it, but to see me shine after following my journey from when it was all so desperate. She had been contacted for a statement from the MARAC board also. Amazing what I had disclosed about the emotional abuse my Parents had put me through, that I wasn’t even aware of, but was documented and got reported on my behalf. I am going to concentrate on doing what I am doing, repairing, rebuilding and enjoying my Family. Then either write a book about it or one hell of an official complaint. Probably both. I certainly want lessons learned and some good to come of it. Medication still working really well. Absolutely staying off drinking, genuinely don’t miss it at all. I am really bloody happy I got my diagnosis, I would never have been able to get the support I have had without it, which would have meant I would have never been able to escape the codependency from my Parents who have always denied I have MH issues, despite the medical records I received recently showing me in black and white all the diagnoses that were made. I feel like I can breathe again. Alex is in the process of being assessed for Autism, which makes a lot of sense. The self harm started when I began working full time after being a stay at home Mum. Then a single Parent, my Parents were my child care. It honestly didn’t occur to me that they would treat my children as they had me. I think I was just in complete denial of it all. Anyway, lessons learned. Freedom now. And new beginnings. 🙂
 
N

natalie

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 1, 2014
Messages
18,653
Hi CabbagMama, Natalier, here,

I've just read the long post currently. Phew, I'm glad to be aware that you can now look forward to a happier and better freedom and fresh start. I'm so glad, that the MH SW were able to be there though. Also, I'm pleased in a way for you that the Children's Services has since been stopped.


i just half hope for you now, that you'll be, now I forgotten to check within your post, would youi be having mental health support for your self harming though, because that would be an importnat factor, to help you have positives, rather than the negatives and self harming?


Just a thought on that note.

Best regards,


Natalie, of MHF.
 
C

CabbageMama

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
817
Location
UK
Hi CabbagMama, Natalier, here,

I've just read the long post currently. Phew, I'm glad to be aware that you can now look forward to a happier and better freedom and fresh start. I'm so glad, that the MH SW were able to be there though. Also, I'm pleased in a way for you that the Children's Services has since been stopped.


i just half hope for you now, that you'll be, now I forgotten to check within your post, would youi be having mental health support for your self harming though, because that would be an importnat factor, to help you have positives, rather than the negatives and self harming?


Just a thought on that note.

Best regards,


Natalie, of MHF.
Thank you Natalie. I don’t self harm, Alex does. Did. Still does, although it has reduced massively and we have identified why they self harm and strategies they can mostly use instead. They are honest with me about and have allowed me to share all information with School, Camhs and their Dad, in order that we all work together to build the right support for them.
 
C

CabbageMama

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
817
Location
UK
Hi CabbagMama, Natalier, here,

I've just read the long post currently. Phew, I'm glad to be aware that you can now look forward to a happier and better freedom and fresh start. I'm so glad, that the MH SW were able to be there though. Also, I'm pleased in a way for you that the Children's Services has since been stopped.


i just half hope for you now, that you'll be, now I forgotten to check within your post, would youi be having mental health support for your self harming though, because that would be an importnat factor, to help you have positives, rather than the negatives and self harming?


Just a thought on that note.

Best regards,


Natalie, of MHF.
Thank you Natalie. I don’t self harm, Alex does. Did. Still does, although it has reduced massively and we have identified why they self harm and strategies they can mostly use instead. They are honest with me about and have allowed me to share all information with School, Camhs and their Dad, in order that we all work together to build the right support for them.
 
floatin

floatin

Active member
Joined
May 26, 2021
Messages
38
Location
Colorado
Has been a while! After 3.5 months of hell, my 12 year old told me they needed me of their own volition on Thursday night and are now back living with me and their Brother at Home. I reported my Stepdad to the Police for domestic abuse about a month ago in relation to myself, on the basis that my child was not safe living there. That was handled badly, but subsequently (not related at all to my child coming home) is being taken very seriously. This has led to the case being stepped up to Children’s Services for assessments, my Parenting is not and has never been in question. I have been begging for assessments the whole way along, to prove I am a good Mum, to prove Bee is not safe there. They have refused to liaise with my MH team, who have positively supported me the whole time, but that hasn’t been believed.

My Stepdad has had everyone believing I was an unhinged child abuser and that my child was self harming due to my Parenting and emotional abuse. The worse Bee got in their care, the more I got blamed, ’the trauma emerging’ they said. Bee stopped showering, eating, didn’t sleep, wasn’t communicating, refused to see me, wouldn’t engage with School. It all got put down to me. My Stepdad tried to ally with my Ex Husband, telling him I was mentally unwell and not fit to care for the children, he knew I had always been unstable and Bee had told them I was abusive. That I was volatile and angry, alcoholic and unpredictable, they were not safe with me. God knows what he told Childrens Services, but they refused to believe anything I said, insisted it was Bee’s decision to live with Grandparents and I should support it. They told me I was selfish, that I was not putting Bee first, that my MH was clouding my judgement. Camhs would not engage with me at all, said Bee’s wishes and feelings were confidential. School were great with me until Bee left to live with Grandparents, then would not work with me.

It has been the worst worst time, BUT I had felt forced in to starting the legal process to ensure Bee’s safety, so did that. That meant I got listened to by the right people and have been issued an independent domestic violence support worker by the Police, who will represent me at a big multiagency meeting next week. I don’t have to go through any of that. They have helped me get legal aid and a Solicitor in case I need one, though it is unlikely I will. Despite being told I am a bad Parent and that allegations have been made and investigations are imminent, that is all bullshit. I am not begging to be assessed out of desperation any longer, but am assuring people that they are welcome to come to the house to meet with me or me and the children whenever they want to arrange to. I have made contact with all Agencies to update them. Camhs are happy to start afresh with Bee and myself - they don’t know Bee at all, so will need to. We have a joint session this week to start us off on the right foot.

Bee has been too scared to sleep on their own since they got back, but has been sleeping in my bed with me. And actually sleeping! They have been eating loads, come out shopping with me, helped me cook, we have been chilling the three of us watching films. We have had their Dad over for tea and cake, they have showered and done their hair properly. I sat with them and did the first few bits of homework they have done since they left here. They have been super affectionate, very chatty, we have been singing loudly and dancing round the house. By some miracle, the medication I am on - Topiramate - seems to finally be the right fit. They started me on Sertraline at the same time, which was not a good call, so I am just on the Topamax, but my head is so much clearer, my moods more consistent and I am able to sleep better. Not massively long always, but enough. I am much more active, so physically tired. And have lost just over a stone too, which has been a massive bonus. Still not drinking, still not smoking. Don’t miss either. And I have my baby back. ❤
I’m so sorry to hear about all this, can’t even imagine what that stress is like. I’m glad it’s going better now, keep it up!
 

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