update

J

jeff-uk

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been up and down lately , self harmed by burning ,slight relief, had ct scan for lump on chest which seems to be getting a lot bigger ,see what happens,
was talking to women in waiting area having checkups to see if she is clear of cancer, three years later, hope she is fine ,seemed a very nice intelligent person. perhaps a little prayer tonight, still on treadmill two hours
very tight diet, can not get my head around future, keep spending though. get irritable quite quickly.
this blog seem like a dirty secret ,writing while wife watches TV .live in different worlds it seems
is this my life. god it must get better than this
 
kate9090

kate9090

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it does!
2 days ago i thought i was like 5 different people in a single day and i thought there is no hope.
there is. and if you handle your situation and face it, it will get better, and it will have been worth it.
i hope all goes ok with your scans, stay positive :)
 
kate9090

kate9090

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hey jeff :)
hows sunday treating you? hope ur ok !
 
J

jeff-uk

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thank you for comment,s still pretty low , feeling hollow/empty cannot find any thing to look foward to
worried about ct scan results,as smoked fo thirtyfive years, work with asbestos in seventys,
worried where mind and body will be next week, never mind next year ,strain showing on wife.feel guilty
for that ,kids worried to . did not mention scars to arms, but obvious to anyone
 
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baby_dolly_face

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Jeff
sorry to hear that youre going through it right now. It is horrid when you can see the effect that your illness has on your loved ones and it tends to make you feel more guilty and increases the self-loathing....thats what happens with me anyway. When do you get your CT scan results?
We had a cancer scare recently with my husband and the amount of pressure that put on us both was enough to send the bipolar completely haywire so I do understand that.
x
 
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shell

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why should your blog seem like a dirty little secret ? Bipolar and having friends to share it with is not dirty and you should not feel ashamed. I feel like i live in another world but this will never be my dirty little secret , I have Bipolar and am not ashamed and pissed off with the stigma I don't care who knows, would you feel the same if you had a heart condition? I think we need to educate the ignorant ones in this world. I will never be ashamed of who I am or where I have come from I am me and you either like me or you don't. My kids know they love me its part of me its part of my personality and a part that people fall deeply in love with even addicted to. What I'm trying to say is , If we feel ashamed what hope is there of ever breaking a stigma ?????? Just think about it ! x
 
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baby_dolly_face

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could you try to include your wife in your taking part on the forum? Is she supportive of you and your bipolar?
x
 
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shell

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yes but if you have never suffered u will never understand
 
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baby_dolly_face

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I see what you mean shell (do you mean that someone who hasnt suffered mental illness will never understand?) because if thats what you mean then I agree totally, but if youre saying that if someone hasnt had bipolar then they will never understand, I am not so sure I agree with that...my husband isnt bipolar (he is a depressive) and he understands my triggers/stressers better than I do if that makes sense...? He sees things about my illness that I don't. But youre right the rest of my family have never suffered from mental illness and cos of that they dont get it or understand it and they treat me as some sort of black sheep of the family.
Its ridiculous isnt it?!
x
 
J

jeff-uk

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just want to withdraw from everything, keep people at distance. rumour mill on overdrive.quite sensitive to all comments. as i have said in past dr is best i have met.just looking at options on table,i have pretty poor hand, and bad bluffer. still, who wants to be old anyway
 
calypso

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Jeff, you have a wife and kids, so you must be worth something and loveable for them to love you. They don't have to, but they do. It is the simple things which make life valuable. I don't know you, but I sometimes stay alive by the skin of my teeth by thinking of the family. When there is nothing left inside for me, I remind myself that the damage suicide does to children is huge, and keep going until the darkness lifts. As for the lump, you shouldn't have to wait 2 weeks, there is a place called the One stop breast shop, its in all main hospitals, and you get tested and results the same day. I had a lump and got the result straight away, (I was OK). Also if the lump is growing fast, that sounds like a cyst, but obviously I am no expert. Does self harm help at all?
 
kate9090

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dont worry a day too much about scans that can turn out to be nothing. risk factors are always a cause for nerves, but dont let them break you down, our bodies can surprisingly handle quite a lot at times!
i understand your sharing problem, i think. i feel a bit similar.
try to identify the things that make you feel better. its tricky because often u would think that self-harming makes u feel better when it actually does the exact opposite and feeds the condition you're in.
nostalgic songs that u can fall back on, a movie u dont have to concentrate on but that will still grab your attention...
as usual i have no advice to give other than a cup of tea and staring out the window at the stars... :)
 
J

jeff-uk

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jeff-uk

told wife i do not want to continue
relationship after 37 years,
i just need to be on my own ,i do not want to hurt her upset her rob her,
i need my own space,we have history kids
dogs property,she is my best mate,
but i need my own life ,strange thing is the flash back memorys are bouncing around because i am under stress ,
some times it would be easier to overdose than confront painful issues
but i need some order in my life that i control.we have not been (close) for four years. thats down to me not wanting to get to close
 
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baby_dolly_face

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oh no jeff
ru sure thats what u want? can she not help you?
 
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baby_dolly_face

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If she has stuck by you through 37 years of bipolar etc, then she must have been doing something right? May be u dont feel right now like you can cope with having other people around you, but may be in actual fact having her around is what you do need....she obviously loves you and you her.
xx
 
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jeff-uk

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that is the problem , she is devoted , but so jelous of every body ,including my own family.
 
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baby_dolly_face

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when you say jealous what do you mean? what does she do?
x
 
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baby_dolly_face

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could it be rather than being jealous, she is more over protective of you and worried about you because she does not want them to harm you or cause you any more pain mentally?
 
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