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unwanted intrusive thoughts, i feel like im losing my mind

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Misfit_Joe

New member
Joined
Jul 2, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Portugal
Hello, im new on the forum, i´ve read lots of post's and finally i decided to share my own struggles.
Im a 19 years old male from europe. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost 1.5 years now, i take depression and anxiety pills.
The first time i remember suferring from serious unwanted intrusive thoughts was two years ago i got super drunk(it was a messy night). I woke up and everything was fine, later that day for some reason the thought of being gay crossed my mind and for almost 6 months i debated with that until i finally got over it.

Recently a famous actor killed himself and that triggered my unwanted intrusive thoughts again. This happened a week ago and i started thinking to myself "he had kids, a wife, money, he had everything and he still couldn't handle whatever he was strugling with" and then i felt really bad, like i was going to pass out. This thought was on my mind for the past week and even tho its terrible for me it wasn't really afecting my sleep or how well i can be around my family. Yesterday i started to think about what's really worth in life and became to the realization that is my family expecially my nephew. That's when it started, for some reason that i can't explain crossed my mind that one day i could harm him or my other family members. Since then i've been struglin with this, and at this moment im alone in the house with me nephew and i'm really scared that for some reason i could lost my mind and harm him.

Sorry about the long text and my poor english, hope you guys are well.
 
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LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
584
Location
United States
Hi Misfit_Joe!

How awful! I've had similar thoughts as you in the past. When I was thirteen, I feared I might one day harm my mother. It was a frightening thought and it haunted me for many years. Part of it haunted me because when I thought it, it felt good in a very warped way. I believed that meant that I wanted to do it which made it even scarier.

Sometimes, I would test myself to see if I would really do it by holding the item I envisioned harming her with. I found out later that wasn't the best thing to do, but at the time, I thought I needed to.

Hearing that I'm unlikely to commit a crime because I feel guilt helped, but it still didn't take away the fear. What it took was cognitive behavioral therapy and a better understanding of myself to really see why I felt the way that I did.

I recommend seeking therapy if possible to talk about what you're feeling. It can be incredibly cathartic and eye-opening. These thoughts may be too intrusive for you right now, so if that's too much, try getting them on paper. If you can, remove the negativity attached to the thought. At the end of the day, it's just a thought. Allow it to be there. The thought can't harm you; only the fear that it can will.

The same thing can be applied to the other thoughts you've had. In the past, I wondered too if I was gay. I had thoughts about women, but it always felt wrong to me. It kept bothering me because I couldn't tell if I liked that it felt wrong. But I've realized over time what I really want. I still would have trouble accepting myself if I was gay, but if I was, I'd learn. Self-acceptance is key no matter what thought you have. You are not a bad person; your thoughts are neutral. Let them go.

I hope that something I've said can help you move through your fears. You are a wonderful person, Misfit_Joe. In time, you'll start to see it yourself. I believe in you!

Good luck and stay safe!
 
M

Misfit_Joe

New member
Joined
Jul 2, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Portugal
Hi Misfit_Joe!

How awful! I've had similar thoughts as you in the past. When I was thirteen, I feared I might one day harm my mother. It was a frightening thought and it haunted me for many years. Part of it haunted me because when I thought it, it felt good in a very warped way. I believed that meant that I wanted to do it which made it even scarier.

Sometimes, I would test myself to see if I would really do it by holding the item I envisioned harming her with. I found out later that wasn't the best thing to do, but at the time, I thought I needed to.

Hearing that I'm unlikely to commit a crime because I feel guilt helped, but it still didn't take away the fear. What it took was cognitive behavioral therapy and a better understanding of myself to really see why I felt the way that I did.

I recommend seeking therapy if possible to talk about what you're feeling. It can be incredibly cathartic and eye-opening. These thoughts may be too intrusive for you right now, so if that's too much, try getting them on paper. If you can, remove the negativity attached to the thought. At the end of the day, it's just a thought. Allow it to be there. The thought can't harm you; only the fear that it can will.

The same thing can be applied to the other thoughts you've had. In the past, I wondered too if I was gay. I had thoughts about women, but it always felt wrong to me. It kept bothering me because I couldn't tell if I liked that it felt wrong. But I've realized over time what I really want. I still would have trouble accepting myself if I was gay, but if I was, I'd learn. Self-acceptance is key no matter what thought you have. You are not a bad person; your thoughts are neutral. Let them go.

I hope that something I've said can help you move through your fears. You are a wonderful person, Misfit_Joe. In time, you'll start to see it yourself. I believe in you!

Good luck and stay safe!
Thank you very much loki for your words, they are really comforting.
I've been to a psychologist some years ago and i quited because i thought i was fine. Since last year i've been going to psychiatrist but i feel like i can't talk that openly to him, maybe because he is a man and around 60 years old. I contacted my old psychologist an hour ago and i told her everyting, we scheduled an appointment for this monday. I don't know if i should go to both of them at the same time but i feel like i just want this to be over.
 
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LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
584
Location
United States
Thank you very much loki for your words, they are really comforting.
I've been to a psychologist some years ago and i quited because i thought i was fine. Since last year i've been going to psychiatrist but i feel like i can't talk that openly to him, maybe because he is a man and around 60 years old. I contacted my old psychologist an hour ago and i told her everyting, we scheduled an appointment for this monday. I don't know if i should go to both of them at the same time but i feel like i just want this to be over.
I'm glad you're going to seek help, Joe! That's great that you were able to tell her how you're feeling. I'm so happy for you that you had the courage to do that.

You can try going to both for the time being and see what happens. I know how badly you want this over with. So did I. But if you can learn to allow yourself to be okay with the thoughts, they won't have any power over you and you'll be able to live without the fear hanging over you. I believe it's possible for you. You deserve a great life and a lot of happiness. I wish you all the best, Joe!
 
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