Unwanted Admirer

[GrizzlyBear]

In my journal I mentioned going to the cinema with a guy who later gave me flowers. Since then he turned up at my home unannounced (having asked a local where I lived)...I was out. And he turns up at my hotel when I am over-nighting there.

Well, I was lonely and don't like hurting peoples feelings so I have found it hard to say "Fuck off! I'm wearing nothing but a towel"...and he was there when I collapsed. I asked him to get a doctor which he didn't do. Later, when I was on my own again I called one myself....anyway....I have got a yukky virus but I am alright.

This guy ignores all non-verbal and verbal cues to leave (which is why I fainted in the end). Last time I saw him I was on my way to my appointment with my CPN....I said "Okay...goodbye...I am going this way".....but he just followed me down there too. He said "Let's meet at 2pm" and I said "okay".....because, quite frankly, I have no idea how to say "no" without hurting him.

Well, I talked to my CPN about this and realised that I was hurting MYSELF to avoid hurting someone else. What did I want? I did'nt want to spend time with a guy who doesn't listen to a word I say.

Anyhoo.....since he doesn't listen to me it was decided that I should send this letter:

"I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but I don't want to see you anymore."

My CPN said I should'nt try and explain things because that gives him hope that he can change my mind.

So.... I thought that would be the end of it.

He waited for me outside Tesco and came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. Well.....my whole 'trying-to-be-nice' thing went out the window and I snapped "WHAT?!". He wanted an explanation.....but not only should I not have to give one....but how could I say "Because you are creeping me out"? So I kinda yelled at him "Everything you need to know is in that letter!"

And I stomped off.

When I spoke to my psychologist about it she said "Maybe he's a bit slow getting a message."

Anyhoo....then I got another letter from him. Apparently I am his soulmate and that he can't just forget me.....and when I fell in my room he realised how much I meant to him. And he's applying for jobs here on my island.

But as the next few days went by I was thinking he was going to put me out of his mind but today I got another letter from him.

He says "I'll be pushed to come over to (where I live) if you don't explain".

I think my CPN is right, that explaining is something I should'nt do...and I don't want to anyway....

 

[KP1]

Sounds like you could do without this. Hope he gets the message soon.
Kp

 

[saffron]

wow never had a stalker before eek

its always hard to let people down gently, I dont think there is a gentle way, just an honest one, you are right you should not need to explain. But, being honest with how you feel with him will be the only way to get it through, you certainly do not owe him anything and have not developed a freindship you are both happy with, obviously. be strong and keep distant, he will get it in the end.


thinking of you
S

 

[Dollit]

Take all that to the police - his behaviour is escalating and while I don't want to worry you it's not a good sign. He won't stop unless you make him and the police will help you get an injunction especially with the back up evidence that you looked for help in your CPN.

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Take all that to the police - his behaviour is escalating and while I don't want to worry you it's not a good sign. He won't stop unless you make him and the police will help you get an injunction especially with the back up evidence that you looked for help in your CPN.

Crikey. Well...I was hoping he'd fade away. I'm going to wait and see what his next move (if any) is. If he sends another letter (or turns up at my house) and I don't like what he has to say...well....then I will consider it to have taken a turn beyond acceptable. I really could do without extra stress. What a jerk!

 

[scottsblue]

i think its awfull what that man tried to do, you dont nothing wrong apart from be unlucky enough to meet such a creep.

 

[saffron]

Hi grizzly
hope he will get the hint and you do not have to go as far as going to the police, but you need to be strong and determined, Ibeleive youi can do it.
i also think that people are being a bit harsh on the man, yes he may not be taking the hint very well, but maybe he needs company or a friend the same as us, we dont know him to judge him like this.
I do not condone what he is doing but he may have reasons for it too.
S

 

[Dollit]

Saffron what ever the reasons that the man is behaving the way he is does not excuse his behaviour. He is stalking Grizzly - if you had ever had this happen to you then you will realise how wearing and frightening it can be. And this sort of behaviour doesn't just stop but a visit from the police can be enough to make it stop. I recommended that course of action purely because I was thinking of her safety.

 

[saffron]

Dollit, I have already said I did not condone his behaviour, but to condem a man for, ok not getting the hint, or getting the wrong idea, is judgmental and unfair. no offense to grizzly but she dated him, and we do not know what happened or whether she gave him the wrong idea by not telling him straight away, we are not in the position to call anyone a creep.
I was trying not to frighten the life out of her, as to cause panic and send for the police for injunctions. we have not given her the respect to be strong enough to combat this herself. if grizzly really feels that threatened by him then by all means contact the police. but that was not the impression I got when reading the original post.
BTW my reference to stalker in a post was not meant to mean how people took it.
S

 

[Dollit]

I think you're taking my comments a little too personally, all I was doing was stating my opinion and paraphrasing you in a way.

I think that it's wise for us all to remember that the forum is a collection of responses that become a debate and that while our responses are personal they are rarely personal comments about any particular person.

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Dollit, I have already said I did not condone his behaviour, but to condem a man for, ok not getting the hint, or getting the wrong idea, is judgmental and unfair. no offense to grizzly but she dated him, and we do not know what happened or whether she gave him the wrong idea by not telling him straight away, we are not in the position to call anyone a creep.
I was trying not to frighten the life out of her, as to cause panic and send for the police for injunctions. we have not given her the respect to be strong enough to combat this herself. if grizzly really feels that threatened by him then by all means contact the police. but that was not the impression I got when reading the original post.
BTW my reference to stalker in a post was not meant to mean how people took it.
S

Oh lord.....I don't think anyone needs to panic at this stage. But, for the record, I didn't date him. I do think he is a bit confused and I feel sorry about that. However...the very first day I met him and got chatting (as I do) he turned up at my hotel uninvited. I didn't like it but I figured he was lonely and so was I. I am trying to be kind and understanding....and sure, he behaved inappropriately but I think he is genuinely confused because I was chatting to him until I had spoken to my CPN. Naturally he is upset and wonders what he did to upset me because I suddenly cut him off. This has to be taken into account. If you had a friendship forming (from his side that is what was happening) and it suddenly stops you might also want to know why.

My mom has suggested that she talk to him telling him it's nothing to do with him or anything he did but that I will not be changing my mind. End of story.

I am trying to understand his feelings and to cause the least upset to him as I can.

I have come to see how very confusing it can be for some people. I thought, at my age, I was free and safe to befriend anyone without it being held against me later when the person has decided I am a soulmate and he wants me in his life. It's not fair that he's upset....but it is also not fair that I am being so hard on myself and trying to hold myself responsible for his feelings.

My CPN is on holiday, but goodness....I really could do with talking it over with him.

 

[KP1]

I do think that what you described about the incident in the hotel room was of concern and makes you sound vulnerable Grizzley. I would be aware of personal safety here and not allow him the opportunity of being with you on your own. Hopefully thats the end of it now if not then get some help.
KP

 

[saffron]

Hi Grizzly,
sorry I thought you said you were at a theatre and he bought you flowers, I know the wrong advances can be frightening and frustrating. I hope the guy gets the hint and I think your mum talking to him is a good thing.

please, dont take anything he has done as your fault or that he is holding anything against you and sometimes we can all get involved with the wrong person but there are some good ones out there honestly. anyway, I hope everything goes well for you and this comes to an end, we are all thinking of you.

best wishes and take care

S

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Hi Grizzly,
sorry I thought you said you were at a theatre and he bought you flowers, I know the wrong advances can be frightening and frustrating. I hope the guy gets the hint and I think your mum talking to him is a good thing.

please, dont take anything he has done as your fault or that he is holding anything against you and sometimes we can all get involved with the wrong person but there are some good ones out there honestly. anyway, I hope everything goes well for you and this comes to an end, we are all thinking of you.

best wishes and take care

S

Hi......Sometimes I think I am merely here to confuse! I did go to the cinema with him.....I didn't know how to say "You do realise this is not a romantic thing?" but I thought I would sound full of myself if I said that. He used the word 'friend' repeatedly....so I thought it was safe to go to the cinema with him.....being that we were both a bit lonely that night. And yeah...he did bring me flowers afterwards. So yeah....I did'nt date him but it would'nt be impossible for him to feel that I had.

I will have to be much more careful in future.

 

[saffron]

Hi grizzly,
careful, maybe, but also you know to be stronger next time and say what you feel, makes life much less complicated, we are all learning how to do this so dont blame yourself, its easy to accept friendship as face value and sometimes you just dont see the signs until something happens but that is a sign of innocence and trust, which are becoming rare behaviours, its a pity.
thinking of you
S

 

[cloudberry]

Stalkers

I had a stalker a couple of years ago, he had done some work for me. Eventually I found out who his mother was (he had a lot of respect for her) and asked her to put it to him that I didnt want to call the police, but would if he didnt leave me alone.

Once while at my house to collect payment for work he asked to use the loo. Didnt come down again, and I found him in my bedroom, dressed in my pink nightie rifling through my drawers looking for some pink knickers to go with it!!! He was a big hunky guy, what a sight! He was utterley manic and I had to talk him down while calling for help.

His mother did get him to stop bothering me. And I have not seen him since.

You have to be firm with these people and very clear about boundaries because they dont seem to have any. So you have to have enough for two.

Good luck with it.

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Hi grizzly,
careful, maybe, but also you know to be stronger next time and say what you feel, makes life much less complicated, we are all learning how to do this so dont blame yourself, its easy to accept friendship as face value and sometimes you just dont see the signs until something happens but that is a sign of innocence and trust, which are becoming rare behaviours, its a pity.
thinking of you
S

I have been put to the test a few times since then actually! It's bizarre....

I am getting much, much better at it....I'd rather be embarrassed about laying it out there (that I am not interested) than have to deal with the mess later if someone gets the wrong idea.

Sometimes it is hard to say what I feel when I am trying to protect the other person's feelings....but I am going to protect mine most of all.....so....it is quite fun trying on this new 'assertive' hat.

 

[GrizzlyBear]

I had a stalker a couple of years ago, he had done some work for me. Eventually I found out who his mother was (he had a lot of respect for her) and asked her to put it to him that I didnt want to call the police, but would if he didnt leave me alone.

Once while at my house to collect payment for work he asked to use the loo. Didnt come down again, and I found him in my bedroom, dressed in my pink nightie rifling through my drawers looking for some pink knickers to go with it!!! He was a big hunky guy, what a sight! He was utterley manic and I had to talk him down while calling for help.

His mother did get him to stop bothering me. And I have not seen him since.

You have to be firm with these people and very clear about boundaries because they dont seem to have any. So you have to have enough for two.

Good luck with it.

Hi,

I'm glad you haven't seen him again. I did bump into my unwanted admirer again. I saw him coming so I wandered off down a side-street to avoid him.....there was a recording studio down there (and I was carrying my guitar) and a guy called out "If you're looking for the recording studio it's over there!" and I (fool that I am ) called back "It's okay thanks....I'm just avoiding someone!" and laughed.

Which was a bit silly of me.

Anyhoo.....when I knew the guy had passed by I turned back and went on my merry way....only to find the unwanted admirer had come back to speak to me. I decided to blank him....it was what I decided was in my best interests. So....he followed me calling out a shortened version of my name repeatedly. I proceeded to ignore him and he proceeded to talk to me in patronizing tones. After about a dozen attempts with my name he said "Enough is enough!" in the tone of a father scolding a toddler. By this time I was livid....but holding to my decision to ignore him.

He then said something I didn't catch which seemed to involve the word 'annoyed' or annoying. He then left me alone.

You make a very good point about boundaries.....this guy seems to have no boundaries at all....or, more to the point, no awareness of the boundaries of others.

Thanks for posting your support. Hopefully this thread will drift off into the vaults soon because I will hear no more from him.

 

[saffron]

Sometimes it is hard to say what I feel when I am trying to protect the other person's feelings....but I am going to protect mine most of all.....so....it is quite fun trying on this new 'assertive' hat.


HI Grizzly
you make such a good point here< if youi are any thing like me I worry so much about the other person, even if I do not know them, I forget about my own rights and feelings, and inevitably get walked all over, it so easy to attach your own feeling onto someone else. however, I personally I would much rather someone be honest, but not cruel, in the first place so I new where I stood than not knowing, if that makes ssense, and you are so right we should all start looking after our own feelings first and protect ourselves in a more assertive way.
sometimes the only way to get rid of someone is to ignore then totally, if that what it takes for them to get the final message anyway, in a way it might even help him to realise there is barriers out there. who knows, anyway you can move on now. so thats a good thing and you have learnt something through the experience.
best wishes, take care
S

 

[Rebel_Rogue]

Hey Grizzly,

I had an unwanted admarier / Stalker not that long ago. He used to be a really good friend of mine too until he started telling me that he loved me and began stalking me. He even broke into my house at one point. So i know what your going through. I hope you never hear from him again