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KyussEatsTheSun

KyussEatsTheSun

Active member
Joined
Apr 3, 2020
Messages
33
Location
18360
It's been a wild ride in my head guys. I quit a good paying job after 4 days about a month ago. This unemployment is killing my psyche; I feel like a barnacle on a ship 🚢. My girlfriend puts zero pressure on me to get a job but when I see her I'm constantly reminded of my unemployment and I feel guilty. Societal pressure to always be employed agrivates this stress too. I just don't think it's healthy to work 40 hours a week doing something you dislike for money. I wish I could have the willpower to turn my hobbies into the job of my dreams but my fear is crippling.

I have a theory that I'm suffering from some amount of PTSD from past jobs. I have worked with people and situations that have exacerbated my anxiety for years and years. Now I'm at the point where if I look for a job on the internet I get scary flashbacks of being mistreated and not speaking up for myself. I become engulfed in fear of being unable to take proper criticism or feeling stupid constantly at a new job. Feeling stupid is one of my default thoughts when I make a mistake.

I meditate on average 45 minutes a day. I picked up yoga again. I journal regularly. I clean random parts of the house to get my mind off things. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I barely watch tv. My diet isn't the worst either... I drink lots of water and eat good stuff like kimchi and a moderate amount of veggies and meats. I watch my sugars decently, except I love occasional ice cream at night. I have no bad addictions. I force myself to stay "rooted" in reality and keep myself from escaping into fantasy in hopes that my mind will aclimate to it but I wonder if that is a foolish strategy? Instead of TV I meditate. Instead of drinking alcohol I drink water or tea. Instead of eating sugar I eat fermented foods. I take my vitamins and Tinctures every day. My yoga is back too!

Why do I suffer this much I ponder? I used to play video games to escape but I stopped doing that a long time ago. Reading books gives me anxiety. I put unrealistic expectations on myself. I'm very slow at solving even the simplest of problems. But still, why do I suffer as much as I do? I'm doing so many healthy things at the same time. I've been alive for nearly 30 years I don't expect myself to figure it all out by now but I feel extremely far behind. I just want to give it all up and live in a tent behind a walmart sometimes.

My life is beautiful on the outside, it really is. I see it when I practice being grateful and visualizing my life on the outside. However, inside is hot mess. It's a very sad mess and has been since childhood. I have a psychologist on my side and I started Emotional Freedom Therapy too. And yet, I suffer needlessly. I don't want to sleep at night because I wake up with no reason to live other than for the sake of it. I feel like a parasite. I walked out on the porch today and wondered "what can I do for the community? How can I help people?" But it's shut down because I quickly realize I can't even take care of my own happiness.

There's a power inside me somewhere but it's as elusive as finding a needle in the universe. If there is a God somewhere please help me.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
1,450
Location
England
I could have written that! Although i am not as healthy and don't have a partner to support me.

I hope she loves her job and earns a good wage, and you support her in many other ways! It is good to hear you keep the place clean at least.

I don't have an answer to this way of being we share. It is both a gift and a curse, i personally believe.

You are doing your small bit i am sure. Keep walking forwards and looking around you. I am sure you have made many positive contributions to the world in your almost 30 years and i am sure there are other things in store for you.
 
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