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Summer_Solstice

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Feb 16, 2020
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I was unsure whether to put this in this thread or the Disassociation thread

Please be warned that this covers issues dealing with child abuse, as well as some talk about an abuser who had schizophrenia. Please tell me if I got the wrong thread and I'll remove this and post it elsewhere.
So, I've come here for help with an issue that has made me really anxious for the past couple of months. It would probably help to give a background on me and the situation so I'll start with that.

I grew up with a mother with undiagnosed schizophrenia for the first 16 years of my life (she is currently diagnosed, I believe she has some other diagnoses but i'm unsure of what because we have minimal contact now). This, in short, fucked me up. Along with a whole host of things such as bullying, but that definitely was the kicker. ( I just want to say that I am not blaming her abuse on schizophrenia, nor do I think all people with the disorder are child abusers, or predisposed to be abusive.)

I was unsure what was real for a long time, and I can remember vaguely that she thought she was being spied on by various sources, and would do certain things to "through them off the trail". She was also in a doomsday cult and practically raised me at their "church" until I was 12 I think. My dad wasn't really there for me until I was probably 10, and since then has come though as an excellent parent and has supported me alot. She was very verbally abusive, and moderately physically, but she would always gaslight me about it, to the point I didn't know what was real.

So recently I realized that I don't remember alot of the abuse that went on, only vague feelings. And whole years of my childhood are completely blank, with sparse moments of thoughts or sensations. I honestly don't know if that's normal or not. To give an example, I was telling my dad where I remember living, and I skipped a house that we where living in for 3 years because I honestly don't remember living there, only mentions of the house after the fact. A bit more worrying is that, looking back on the situation that finally got me to move out of my mum's care and into dad's, I distinctly don't remember the argument that led up to me packing my bag and leaving. the only thing I can remember is standing on the curb and waiting for my dad to pick me up (is that normal? I would have been 16). I can't remember fighting with my mum at all, only the aftermath and a few choice moments of physical abuse.

Onto the DID. In years past I have had two very distinct voices in my head that I thought were my 'inner monologue' One is very self destructive and judgemental, and the other has surfaced in recent years since I've sought therapy, who kind of acts as the "voice of reason", and tells me to do certain things to try and improve my mood. I have always heard her as a posh British sort of voice, and the judgemental one as a sort of raspy sneering one.
recently I fell down a rabbit hole of DID youtubers, and related to alot of things they were saying, though convinced that I don't have the disorder. Then the voice of reason sort of poped up and started to tell me that maybe I was wrong? That perhaps I might have DID? But I've been in therapy for years and no one has picked up on anything. Then I started to notice lost time, only small increments, and I can remember snippets of things, mostly feelings but nothing as vivid as what I REMEMBER.

But I don't know. I think I might be making this up. I tend to get very invested in my current 'fad', and I'm so scared that I'm just imagining the voice, or that I'm mistaking my inner monologe for a real and life changing disorder. I don't want to bring it up with my phsycologist because I don't want to look like I'm latching onto a disorder that I don't have. I'm scared I'm just pretending to remember or misremember things, to fit myself into this narrative when I have no right to. I'm in two minds (pardon the pun)The voice of Judgement (who I've started to refer to as Scorn) says that I'm making this up for attention, just like the other mental disorders I have. The voice of reason (who I've started referring to as Holly) says that She's tried to protect me, and that I should bring it up to someone at least to see what an outside source thinks. I've never brought up the voices to my psychologist, because I've just thought of them as my inner monologue.

Thanks for reading this mess of a post. I was good for me to get all my worries into words I think.
 
Catty5

Catty5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 7, 2020
Messages
3,898
Location
USA
Hello
Welcome :welcome:
Hope you can find support and help here. You suffered too much since very young.

I’m a victim of emotional and physical abuse (not sexual). I don’t remember much about childhood....
I myself is a professional in mental health. Abuse is very a common topic in our work. So please don’t be afraid of talking or processing your experience and your inner voices at therapy for you to get help.
 
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Nukelavee

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Joined
Dec 17, 2019
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3,369
Location
London, ON
I'm mistaking my inner monologe for a real and life changing disorder.
I think that is a huge plus, that you at least consider the possibility that the voices are just inner monologues.

forgetting traumatic events is fairly common. I think that's why doing therapy for abuse issues is so damn hard - We suddenly are face to face with something bad enough we tried to hide from it when it happened.

I have a hard time remembering details if I was dissociated when something happened - that's sort of what dissociation is for, to protect you from something overwhelming.

Your therapist or doctor isn't going to easily buy into a narrative where you have a whole new disorder - Listen to the voice of reason. Bring it up, even as a "I'm scared I'll convince myself I have this" concept.
 
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