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New member
Apr 27, 2018
Throughout my whole life, I've felt a disconnect. Firstly towards my family, now as I looking back on my chilldhood I only have memories of other family members basically insulting and mocking me (this wasn't a cosntant, but occured quite frequently at least from memory). As I got older, I felt as if I didn't fit in well at school. This amplified in my secondary education, I also had slight bouts of paranoia in which I would assume people were talking about me, etc. Looking back on my teenage years, I only see my childhood friends abandoning me. I have very little happy memories, my main key memories are about 80% bad. I have waves of uncontrollable anger over come me, this can happen randomly without irritation, sometimes leading to me striking objects to relieve the sense of anger. I cannot take any self criticism, I get defensive and lash out almost instantaneously. If things start to go wrong, I completely abandon it a whole and allow myself to fail. I continously promise myself I won't fail, yet I continue to do so. Additionally I struggle controlling impulsive behaviour. I have impulses to spend lots of money, get into an argument/fight and then when asked why, I myself cannot answer. I have a lot of impulsive emotions, that essentially control my behaviour. If one thing upsets me, no matter how minor, I can bursts into tears uncontrollably or completely switch off my emotions. I literally feel numb, completely empty. Its a relaxed state, yet not something I enjoy. In other instances, such as me getting angry; that emotion can completely change my perception of that person; I may have known them the entirety of my life, yet I lash out aggressively and completely disregard our friendship/relationship. Truthfully I don't know why I do the things I do. I seem to consistently hurt the people I love with my actions, something I again don't intend to do.

I currently have a girlfriend, whom I use to have strong emotional feelings for. I would consider it love, what I felt. However this feeling has disappeared, replaced by hatred. The hatred towards my girlfriend is slightly sickening to myself, as she is (usually) very support, kind hearted and caring. However I've come to hate her mannerisms, the little things she does and over all I envy her life. She's still evidently in love with me, I'd break up with her but I couldn't bare to see her sad.


:welcome: to the forum. Sorry you're so sad. Since you feel hatred for your girl friend you should break up with her. It would be better than having a miserable relationship.
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