• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    For more features and forums

unsure what to do to help

C

concernedforumuser

New member
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
4
Hi,
My sons partner has a brother living with her parents. We always knew he had problems but having had an in depth conversation with her recently I now think someone needs to do something to help him.. indeed all the family.
He is 30 years old and lives in his bedroom constantly. He doesn't use a toilet instead he uses adult commodes, which he posts through the door to be emptied by his mother. He obviously is severely agoraphobic. He went to school and university for one year but was driven to it every day by his father. He never used the toilet whilst he was there and held it in until he got home. He only bathes once every 6 months, never cuts his hair or beard. His parents hardly ever see him, and they put his food outside his door.. sometimes he doesn't eat it for a week. My son has never seen him as when they go to visit he stays in his room. His mother works in a care home and I have been told she is scared to get him help as it will look bad on her if it comes out that her son is living like this. Apparently he was in nappies when he started school. Our sons partner, when aged 13, told the school about her brother who was then 15 and social services was informed, but when they came her mother and father told them she was lying and said he was fine. They asked to see him but they said he was out.. when in fact he was in his room. They believed the parents and closed the case without ever seeing him.
There is much more I could write but I think you can see the problem. My sons partner wants to help but is unsure what to do.. she is scared her mother will hate her for doing anything... even her father wants to do something but says he is scared she will leave him and that it will open a can of worms, but I just think of his welfare. At 30 he is still young enough to get help, but what help and how would we go about it?
He never sees his GP.. well only once several years ago and they took him in the car and he was given antibiotics.. nothing was said about his problem and the GP didn't pick up on anything.
Thanks for any advice you can give.. I am so sad for him living like this!
 
lucid scream

lucid scream

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2008
Messages
672
Location
Looking down from the bridge
you've said all you need to say in this post. now, say it to a social worker, or the police!
print this out if you have to. INSIST that someone see this man, he is in dire need of help.
 
H

homegirl

Member
Joined
Aug 20, 2008
Messages
21
Location
south west england
Hi,
My sons partner has a brother living with her parents. We always knew he had problems but having had an in depth conversation with her recently I now think someone needs to do something to help him.. indeed all the family.
He is 30 years old and lives in his bedroom constantly. He doesn't use a toilet instead he uses adult commodes, which he posts through the door to be emptied by his mother. He obviously is severely agoraphobic. He went to school and university for one year but was driven to it every day by his father. He never used the toilet whilst he was there and held it in until he got home. He only bathes once every 6 months, never cuts his hair or beard. His parents hardly ever see him, and they put his food outside his door.. sometimes he doesn't eat it for a week. My son has never seen him as when they go to visit he stays in his room. His mother works in a care home and I have been told she is scared to get him help as it will look bad on her if it comes out that her son is living like this. Apparently he was in nappies when he started school. Our sons partner, when aged 13, told the school about her brother who was then 15 and social services was informed, but when they came her mother and father told them she was lying and said he was fine. They asked to see him but they said he was out.. when in fact he was in his room. They believed the parents and closed the case without ever seeing him.
There is much more I could write but I think you can see the problem. My sons partner wants to help but is unsure what to do.. she is scared her mother will hate her for doing anything... even her father wants to do something but says he is scared she will leave him and that it will open a can of worms, but I just think of his welfare. At 30 he is still young enough to get help, but what help and how would we go about it?
He never sees his GP.. well only once several years ago and they took him in the car and he was given antibiotics.. nothing was said about his problem and the GP didn't pick up on anything.
Thanks for any advice you can give.. I am so sad for him living like this!
What a very sad story.
You, I believe, have a duty to help this young man. There is hope for him to have some sort of life. I believe his mother is burying her head in the sand and just think if his parents were out and were killed in a road accident then it would all come out.
Please get help for this young man.
Think of the woman who was held in the dungeon by her father and the children he fathered with her.
She, is being given a change of a life, no matter what, at least she will have some sort of freedom, although it will take time for her children and her to adapt.
It will be the same for this man. He suffers with agoraphobia and probably others things, but if he was in prison he would probably have more freedom than living like this.
There is obviously lots of issues going on here. His mother has to wake up to reality and personally I think she has a mental health problem that is encouraging and feeding his problem.
Sounds to me like the whole family have a lot of sorting out to do.
Get help. I would go to social services again and I would make a point of being at the house when the social worker comes. Bring her upstairs.
If they dont do anything then call in the police.
This man needs rescuing from all of this.
Best wishes, I am sure we would all like to hear how things go and I am sure everybody on here wishes you best in this.
Dont hold back you will live your life wondering "what if you had done something to help?"
 
C

concernedforumuser

New member
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
4
Thank you

Many thanks for the advice; I know we need to do something for him and will do so. Our son and partner are on holiday abroad at the moment and as soon as they get back we will have to get something sorted for him.. is social services the way to go do you think as he is 30 or should we try to go through his GP?
I can't see her parents being very helpful or indeed happy with doing anything for him but we have to think about him and indeed our sons partners daughter who is 8 and who stays with them sometimes, and our little Grand-daughter who is 16 months and will presumably be asked to stay at their home in the future. The thought of them being around his dirty commodes makes me sick as the eight year old, when I asked her if she has seen them said they get in the way of the bathroom door and she is told by his mother to 'step over them'! I'm beginning to think the whole family needs help sadly. I find it so hard to understand how people can live like this.. it's a real eye opener :(
Thanks again for your help!
 
H

homegirl

Member
Joined
Aug 20, 2008
Messages
21
Location
south west england
Many thanks for the advice; I know we need to do something for him and will do so. Our son and partner are on holiday abroad at the moment and as soon as they get back we will have to get something sorted for him.. is social services the way to go do you think as he is 30 or should we try to go through his GP?
I can't see her parents being very helpful or indeed happy with doing anything for him but we have to think about him and indeed our sons partners daughter who is 8 and who stays with them sometimes, and our little Grand-daughter who is 16 months and will presumably be asked to stay at their home in the future. The thought of them being around his dirty commodes makes me sick as the eight year old, when I asked her if she has seen them said they get in the way of the bathroom door and she is told by his mother to 'step over them'! I'm beginning to think the whole family needs help sadly. I find it so hard to understand how people can live like this.. it's a real eye opener :(
Thanks again for your help!
Well from what you have said in your second posting I would forget the GP you will be waiting forever to get something done. I would go straight to Adult Social Services. Also, it is even worse that I first thought originally because you initially said the man's mother does care work and yet she doesnt seem to be emptying the man's commodes.
I wouldnt worry about their unhappiness, I would think overall of everybody concerned. Your little grandchildren shouldnt have to put up with that and and they seem to be at risk from disease. Suppose your grandaughter knocks the commode and its contents over herself and then it gets on the baby. I can imagine all sorts of things that I wont mention here.
There seems to be social issues here and please get help. Yes the whole situation needs looking at.
Good luck!!
 
D

Dollit

Guest
If you go to the mans GP they won't necessarily intervene - and they can't discuss patients with anyone without prior consent. Adult Social Services is the best port of call but it's not a quick process. It's a difficult situation for you but one where you have to try to detach and do the right thing and that isn't always the easiest.
 
C

concernedforumuser

New member
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
4
Hi Again,
I haven't been about for a while as we have just sold our house as we are moving abroad next year.. can't wait to get away from this country to be honest!
Anyway I am feeling really guilty because I haven't had the nerve to do anything about this young man yet.. the problem I have is that I am the only person other than son and partner that know about his life. If I do something then it will be obvious to them that it was us and I am so scared that sons partner will stop us seeing our little Grand-daughter (17 months) and turn our son against us. I have spoken again to her about her brother and it's obvious she isnt going to do anything as likewise she is scared her parents will turn against her as she has always felt they loved him more than her.. there's a lot of deep seated problems within the family.
I also have no idea of their address only the county they live in. The trouble with me is that I am a carer.. I care too much about everyone/thing and the guilt that I am having about not doing anything is eating me up.. I'm even having dreams about him. I just don't know what to do!!!!
I know you probaby wont have any ideas either but just writing it down is helping me a little. Thanks for listening to my ramblings :grouphug:
 
D

Dollit

Guest
If you don't know where they live then you're not really going to be able to do anything as Social Services would want quite a bit of information.

The fact that your son's partner has been able to voice her concerns means that she will probably do something herself - once you hear yourself saying something it makes it harder to normalize it.

Good luck with the move and keep in touch!
 
C

concernedforumuser

New member
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
4
Thanks love for your support; I will have to try and work on son and partner to do something. We're moving nearer to them to rent for a few months before the move abroad next year so will see more of them and can try to get something sorted out for him.. I don't know; life's never easy is it!
Hugs xx
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
W People 2
midnightphoenix People 30
N People 15
F People 30
Top