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Unsure of eating disorders

I

Indigo3020

New member
Joined
Jul 17, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Birmingham
I'm 30 years old now and have suffered from mental health issues all of my life really. It only the past year or so where I ever considered having an eating disorder, because I was never wanting to be thin. In fact, I've always struggle to put on weight. It was watching a video of someone discussing there struggles with eating disorders not otherwise specified that made me think.

I'm going to try and give a cliff notes of my life to try n put thing in perspective. Im mixed race and was brought up by my dad/ his side of the family as my mom ( who I've never met , last contact 28 years ago) couldnt cope and neglected me in that she would go out and leave me by myself, and thought I was the spawn of satan. I dont harbour resentments as she clearly had mental health issues.
My dad and my nan brought me up I loved them but also they had their issues and could be emotionally abusive. I'd stay with my dad mon to friday and my nan the weekends. My dad was a drinker /substance abuser with anarchist ways ( fuck society and all that) and could be quite emotional abusive and inappropriate when drunk. We also lived in squalor ( maggots in the kitchen etc) and if I was hungry hed sometimes be like deal with it. And potentially start teasing me if he was pissed ( like how dare I depend on him) . He wasnt that bad when sober. I also went to school in quite a posh area. So I used to get bullied quite because of my dads appearance and drunken appearances at school)

I used to play the cello and I was in a school concert. My dad turned up drunk and caused a massive scene calling everyone 'ziegheils' and I just continued playing pretending it wasnt happening in full of a room of over 100 people. I'll end it there with my dad.

My nan was the complete opposite of my dads 'dont give a fuck attitude and was quite controlling. She could be quite nasty aswell at times and was good at the ole humiliation/belittle tactic. Like shed get these paranoid notions in her head and believe they were right. My grandmas very complex and had her own issues and had to contend with the burden of bringing up a child again. Either way I loved both. Everyones flawed nd life throws mud on the white canvas. Some more then others.

The point of this I have lot of self hatred that I keep hidden , and for me other the years I could go long periods of time without eating ( or drinking ) . It evolved through disgust of having maggots crawling in food and simply going hungry , to over the years I realised to self harm. If I cant deal with something I stop eating.

My dad nan and brother have all died over the course of 9 years, withbmy brother deing of a heroin overdose 2 years ago. I work in a hospital as a healthcare assistant / student nurse and the past few months with covid has been stressfull, what with amount of people dying on the ward, and people basically been left to die alone cuz there was nothing to be done has taken its toll. I'm good at hiding things , and I do well at work but my diet consists of red bull cigarettes and whiskey after work. I feel suicidal but dont want to kill myself because it's not fair to others so I'm just killing myself the slow way. I go days without eating or drinking for days sometimes but it fill me with a sense of nothing makes sense bit this does. It also seems like I'm such a crappy person this is what you deserve. I do try and eat and I go through mad episodes of trying to put on weight and eating breakfast lunch dinner . Drinking adequately eating enough calories. And then all of a sudden no matter how hard I try I go through a period of losing a couple of days/time and laying in my bed for 24hrs not having ate or drank anything. And I'm puzzled at how I went from trying to back at square one. I weigh about 7st 8 at the moment. But I'm also starting to get really ill. Joints, reflux, bloating , chest pains and all that. So I know I'm doing some damage. Its mad cuz I know it's wrong and i can speak rationally about it. But when I'm in the mode it isn't that easy. Also, I think I use elements of what I've learnt in healthcare and nursing to better hide my issues. Cuz I help patients with issues and encourage patients to eat and lecture them about nourishing their bodies. Yet I'm being a hypocrite.
I'm sorry about the long history aswel that was just to provide context , I dont really have any one to talk to and I'm not sure what to do to break this food restriction habit.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
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:welcome: Welcome Indigo, what a lot you have been through. You have survived but your coping strategy is not good for your body and you really need a healthy body when your mind is so struggling.

I don't know anything much about eating disorders but i have stopped eating during times of stress. Once i stopped on purpose for about a week (very minor i know) and it was like the less i ate, the less i could eat. There was a mental block in my throat, of some kind. It was a sort of protest, a way to get back at something, an anger against my situation. I don't know if that is similar for you but obviously much more serious in your case.

When i started to drink a milkshake one day, i suddenly felt better and was smiling again. The sugar woke me up and my appetite came back. My mind fought me in a way.

Hard to explain.

Have you had any therapy for what you have been through? Do you have any support anywhere. I don't know if it would help to talk to someone. Some people do not like to talk about what they have been through which is fine, but if you are hurting yourself, it might be a good idea.

Your GP can refer you and there may be a long wait, so better to get yourself on a list asap just in case you decide you would like it.

Do you work?

There will be other forum members waking up soon who will be able to support you also.
 
L

Lizaje

Guest
Doesn't sound like an eating disorder. Loss of appetite is a normal symptom of depression. But just the same you can potentially be facing the physical damage of malnutrition and poor diet. Some of that damage can be irreversible, so obviously you should try to change your ways.

You could see a nutrition specialist aside from seeing a psychiatrist and hopefully a therapist or a counsellor of some kind.

If you eat right you don't necessarily have to eat a lot in quantity, if that's an issue for you. A professional would be the best help on finding a way to fix your diet.
 
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