• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Unsure and confused... (New Guy)

DiddyKong

DiddyKong

Active member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
39
Location
Brisbane, Australia
This is my first time here, I don't really know what's wrong with me, I just know that something is wrong... (I just want to try and clear my head.)

I don't know where to start either, I guess I've been having issues for a while now. It's all very hard for me to wrap my head around and put into context but I'll try...

Every now and then I'll go into a spiral where I close myself off, sometimes lasting from a few hours to a few days. There is an overwhelming sense of confusion and misunderstanding as to what I'm going through, all I truly know is that I don't feel like doing anything, I feel helpless, my thoughts are jumbled, my mind becomes a non contested volley of back and forth banter as to my worth, my relations, right and wrong, up and down. I don't know how I feel and I find it gravely difficult to describe...

I wish I could give the reader more insight, as to gain the key to my mind, to gather the full perspective of what I feel is my madness. I long for clarity and understanding...

Doubt this helps, as I'm not even sure what to make it: the following is a insert of a note to myself (in which I dabble from time to time), written today after I finally managed to muster the ability to get out of bed and wake myself up with a cold shower. Earlier I became distant to myself, where I was just functioning because I knew I had to. I knew the logical thing for me to do was to get out of bed, shower and eat, despite the lack of enthusiasm to do so. I broke down, I felt as if I was in minimal control of myself, body and mind, I couldn't move from my frozen position under the cascading waters, like my falling thoughts freezing my ability to be me, I could do nothing but stand there. I felt as if I should drop to my knees and cry, maybe beg to understand what is wrong with me, but I held, I held myself upright as a few tears fell from my face and finally gathered myself to come here and write to you.

Insert: "I'm a very emotionally vulnerable man who doesn't know whether I should run and hide from my inner demons, or if I should stay and fight through the emotional turmoil that my mind uses as a tool of trickery that confuses and ultimately brings me down". ???

^ As I write those words I still feel 'unsure and confused'...

Thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts...
 
Alex_

Alex_

Member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
12
Location
Adelaide, Australia
Hiya Diddy! Welcome aboard.

Your thoughts didn't read jumbled, at all, to me. Intense, YES, but not jumbled. You have a great writing style, which is very expressive.

Have you ever looked at Mindfulness as a practice? It's the main thing that's gotten me through my challenging life-experiences. It's basically, getting yourself back to the 'here and now' again, rather than slipping into the old thought/feeling traps...

Check out Russ Harris, he has some great free stuff on his site and has some good audiobooks / guided mindful practices. I use them regularly on my phone.

You're not alone in your experiences, check out the anxiety & depression forums. There will be plenty of folks in there with lived experiences of what you are going through.

Wishing you a speedy path to balance again.
Alex
 
DiddyKong

DiddyKong

Active member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
39
Location
Brisbane, Australia
I've been trying to write down my thoughts lately with little success of clarity. My notes usually end up as wild miniature riddles, so the compliment puts me at ease, thank you...

I haven't heard of Mindfulness, but will definitely check it out. I like the idea of being able to just focus on the here and now...

Thanks for the advice and sentiment Alex...
 
Top