• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Unsure and confused... (First Post)

DiddyKong

DiddyKong

Active member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
39
Location
Brisbane, Australia
This is my first time here, I don't really know what's wrong with me, I just know that something is wrong... (I just want to try and clear my head.)

I don't know where to start either, I guess I've been having issues for a while now. It's all very hard for me to wrap my head around and put into context but I'll try...

Every now and then I'll go into a spiral where I close myself off, sometimes lasting from a few hours to a few days. There is an overwhelming sense of confusion and misunderstanding as to what I'm going through, all I truly know is that I don't feel like doing anything, I feel helpless, my thoughts are jumbled, my mind becomes a non contested volley of back and forth banter as to my worth, my relations, right and wrong, up and down. I don't know how I feel and I find it gravely difficult to describe...

I wish I could give the reader more insight, as to gain the key to my mind, to gather the full perspective of what I feel is my madness. I long for clarity and understanding...

Doubt this helps, as I'm not even sure what to make it: the following is a insert of a note to myself (in which I dabble from time to time), written today after I finally managed to muster the ability to get out of bed and wake myself up with a cold shower. Earlier I became distant to myself, where I was just functioning because I knew I had to. I knew the logical thing for me to do was to get out of bed, shower and eat, despite the lack of enthusiasm to do so. I broke down, I felt as if I was in minimal control of myself, body and mind, I couldn't move from my frozen position under the cascading waters, like my falling thoughts freezing my ability to be me, I could do nothing but stand there. I felt as if I should drop to my knees and cry, maybe beg to understand what is wrong with me, but I held, I held myself upright as a few tears fell from my face and finally gathered myself to come here and write to you.

Insert: "I'm a very emotionally vulnerable man who doesn't know whether I should run and hide from my inner demons, or if I should stay and fight through the emotional turmoil that my mind uses as a tool of trickery that confuses and ultimately brings me down". ???

^ As I write those words I still feel 'unsure and confused'...

Thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts...
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 12, 2010
Messages
36,633
Location
8,539
Hi Diddy, welcome to the forum :)

I just stumbled across your post. You might get a few more replies in the intros section, and feel more at ease here :)
 
DiddyKong

DiddyKong

Active member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
39
Location
Brisbane, Australia
Thanks for the tip Mayfair...

I honestly had no idea where to post or what to write, so I just rambled on the first page I thought appropriate...

Awesome tip though, cheers...
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,595
Location
surrey
hi diddykong, welcome to the forum. :welcome:
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 12, 2010
Messages
36,633
Location
8,539
Thanks for the tip Mayfair...

I honestly had no idea where to post or what to write, so I just rambled on the first page I thought appropriate...

Awesome tip though, cheers...

I think loads of new people here don't know where to post or what to write!

Don't worry though! You've passed the first 'post' (no pun intended) and a good ramble hurt anyone :)

-

As it happens this stood out to me:

I wish I could give the reader more insight, as to gain the key to my mind, to gather the full perspective of what I feel is my madness. I long for clarity and understanding...
to which in short I would say is for me, and many people (MI or not), communication problems. I could write for hours to explain this, but those 2 words make thing a little shorter :D
 
DiddyKong

DiddyKong

Active member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
39
Location
Brisbane, Australia
Thank you...

I just needed to blow off some steam I guess, good to see there is somewhere I can be welcomed for dropping my mind numbing thoughts...
 
DiddyKong

DiddyKong

Active member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
39
Location
Brisbane, Australia
I felt similar, I believe I could have rambled on for hours with this, yet still have no idea or still be totally unable to explain what truly resides in my head...
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 12, 2010
Messages
36,633
Location
8,539
Thank you...

I just needed to blow off some steam I guess, good to see there is somewhere I can be welcomed for dropping my mind numbing thoughts...
Yes, you can post here and have a bit of freedom from the outside world, that's why I stay here :)

I trust it here because I often work on the staff so know it's ok.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 12, 2010
Messages
36,633
Location
8,539
I felt similar, I believe I could have rambled on for hours with this, yet still have no idea or still be totally unable to explain what truly resides in my head...
I try and keep things short and to the point online, but write extensively on paper - it's something that I need to do. It's not really a chore, I've always done it.
 
DiddyKong

DiddyKong

Active member
Joined
Feb 9, 2015
Messages
39
Location
Brisbane, Australia
Does the writing help clarify things? I take little odd notes that are more like riddles to myself, I find it hard to write normally. My mind doesn't feel normal, so I guess that's why it comes out that way...
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 12, 2010
Messages
36,633
Location
8,539
Does the writing help clarify things? I take little odd notes that are more like riddles to myself, I find it hard to write normally. My mind doesn't feel normal, so I guess that's why it comes out that way...
Bold: No.

I clarify things in my head DK.

I just write them down because I have no other way of getting them out, and it is a record of things, and I like recording information that I think of, however seemingly meaningless things might look to others.

I know what you mean about writing riddles down. I think of things, then write down in my notepads a quick summary to remind me at a later date. Then (when I can be bothered which is rare) I bundle things together that are related, and type them up. I've posted a few in here as it happens. I thought it might help me.

Not many people read them in real life because I only share things with people I know well, and if I talk about things in general, people say I'm boring, so I tend to be very quiet, out of choice :)

Have you tried writing things out? It might help, it might not, but if you haven't tried then you could consider it?

-

Must dash though, I'm way past my bedtime. We have a lot of people from down under here :) but many are in UK/USA time zones, so it can be quiet at this time. Don't be put off though.

Take care and hope you like it here with us all :)
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Hi and welcome, I'm sure you will get lots of understanding here, my mind is always jumbled.

Keep writing
KS
xxx
 
Top