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Unstable and depressed. My incapability of maintaining social relationships and controlling my mind.

K

KaylaJo

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Unstable and depressed. My incapability of maintaining social relationships and controlling my mind.

Since many years I’ve been experiencing depression (not diagnosed) in my life… but things got worse this year (and maybe part of the past year too).
From 2015 to maybe February of this year, I had this boyfriend. The story is a little bit confusing, but I’ll make things shorter. I fell deeply in love with him (maybe I was even obsessed with him, which never happened to me) and then, a couple of months after we started dating, he confessed me that he had a long-term relationship with another woman (a 10-years relationship) but he told me that their relationship was dead, blablabla. I don’t know why but I decided to continue the relationship despite his confession. And I have to tell you, that was the sickest relationship ever. He was very reserved with his emotions and his life, so he never told me anything else about his girlfriend. I spent almost every day of those two years paranoid, having awful thoughts and overthinking everything (of course always thinking the worst scenario). I started to become very unstable, like, one day I was so angry with him and the other day I was super lovely; and sometimes, the two emotions in the same day. My self-esteem died at that moment.

-Now, this is my real concern-: since we broke up, I feel like everything went out of control; I’m always so paranoid and distrustful with everything and everyone.
I can say now that I’ve moved on from that relationship, but I feel so messed up. I have this “seasons” when I’m super excited of doing things I like, and I’m so excited that I start doing all these things at the same time. In these days I feel so promiscuous, like literally, I feel the NEED of flirting or even having sex (and I always end up having sex with a different person every two days). I’m more interested in my friends and I start talking to them a lot and hanging out, drinking alcohol and even using drugs. For time to time, I feel very anxious. I just feel the urge of having fun and going out, and oh I feel so attractive, so powerful, almost narcissist (I have to mention that before I started to feel that unstable, I’ve always been a calmed and reserved person and not promiscuous at all). But then… everything goes down. I don’t want to talk to literally NO ONE, I just want to be alone in my bedroom watching Netflix or just procrastinating. I feel unworthy, a failure, unattractive; my self-esteem gets lost. I get just in a deep depression (without any sadness, just like I was soulless, with no emotions nor interesting in anything). I’ve lost all my friends for these abrupt changes of behavior, and I’m starting to lose control of my mind. Like, I’ve feeling like my memory is getting worse day by day: I’m now trying to remember what I’ve been doing this week and all I remember is a huge blank. I’m also having a lot of trouble with concentration, I find so hard to focus at one thing and doing it right. I’m so cranky and irritable sometimes. For example, yesterday I was really depressed, and I didn’t want to talk with anyone because I get so annoyed for stupid things. Today I’m more receptive with people and not so annoyed and a little bit energetic. I really don’t like the way I’ve become. Sometimes I look myself in the mirror and I’m thinking how much I love myself and how good I’m looking, but instantly, I think: what are you saying, you’re horrible and stupid. Anyway, most of the times I’m depressed, and when I have my “riot season” only lasts for a month (if I’m lucky), a couple of weeks, a couple of days or a couple of hours. I can be really optimistic and at the same time I can be very pessimistic (I know it sounds really weird but that’s how I feel it). I feel like I don’t have the control of my mind, my mood, my thoughts and my emotions anymore.
I’m aware that I should find help, and I will, but it just makes me feel so much better to write my thoughts even if nobody reads them.

Have you ever experienced something like that?
Thank you for your time. Xoxo :love:
 
calypso

calypso

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No-one on a forum can diagnose another but have you ever been to the doctor with a graph of your moods as this sounds serious. I am diagnosed bipolar and recognise some of what you discuss here, but I am not saying you have that. But sometimes when we are very low our mood swings up as we can't sustain the low mood for long and we react in the opposite way. As its linked to your boyfriend and all the problems you had there it could be that you are reacting to the situation in a negative way. I have to say he sounds like a plonker!

Maybe see a doctor and see what they think. I would take a mood diary with me. You write 0-3 for getting higher in mood and miuns 0-3 for low mood and see what pattern you are experiencing. A doctor would need to see that for any patterns you might be experiencing. Is it linked to events in your life so write a little about what happened just before an event. This will all help with diagnosis and possible help you receive.

You aren't going out of your mind, you are finding that you need some help that is all. It sounds as though it won't go away by itself. I am not fond of just having pills given so ask for some therapy to get to the root of your mood swings. Ithink you may need to discuss this more in detail.
 
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