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Unresolved Issues, or just another Sunday?

M

mind_the_cones

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2014
Messages
62
Hi everyone,

(Warning: long post!)

I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum for this post, I wasn't sure which one to post it in. If it is, please move it to the right forum!

I was talking to someone on the transsexual support forum about the past/gratitude. Quite often, I look back at the years of 2007-early 2010 as my "prime". When I was feeling well, and could seemingly do no wrong in life (good grades etc). Part of that is down to the difficulties I have had in recent years, which I have described elsewhere on the forum.

(My life seems to be comparable to a tempermental sports team. When things are going well and I'm confident, I'm in the "groove" and will win every match easily. When the slightest thing goes wrong I lose my confidence, the "groove" disappears and I feel like I could play any number of matches and never win. Extremely hit or miss...)

Anyway they said that whilst we should always remember the past, we shouldn't live in it and/or let it inhibit us going forward. When I was at Uni, it was like the events of Winter 2010 were a ghost that followed me around everywhere. I relived the events in the present over and over again. It's only now that I feel I have started to overcome what happened. They also said that we should be grateful for what we have.

(I also think Nostalgia can give false recollections. You remember things differently from how they actually happened, or how you actually felt at the time. The past is not always better!

My point is: when they mention gratitude, I felt a bit funny inside (they are not to blame for this - this is a long-standing issue of mine). I have issues with feeling grateful for things. I feel a but bitter and twisted about what happened. I don't like holding grudges, but I undoubtedly so for some of what happened.Some of it involves God

The first is: what for? I realise that I am fortuntate to have things that starving children in Africa don't have (plenty of food, water, clothing, shelter and video games!). On the other hand, I have suffered ALOT. At times, I felt so miserable I wanted to die, for the ground to swallow me. I have suffered so much pain in my life, so much stress and misery. My Uni experience was blighted by constant mental health issues. And I spent so many hours worrying if I would have to live in a different country to my relatives. That the country I loved would be split up, all because some wannabe dictator and his ego desired power. Should I really be grateful for all that!?

(Maybe the depression is still a bit raw. Hopefully starting work will change things for the better. Whilst I think I'm finally on the right path, it wasn't that long ago that all of these things were still hanging over my life. And I could easily slip back into it again. I will never forget the pain and complete lack of joy that I first experienced 4 years ago this Winter. If I could, I would choose to wipe them from my memory forever).

The second is: who to? This is where it gets a bit complicated. When I was at School, I used to really enjoy Religious and Moral Education. Some of my best friends are Christian, some are Muslim. I like thinking about Moral and complex issues where there is no "right" answer. But I don't believe in God. I've always been an Athiest. Sometimes at Uni, when I was really miserable I would pray and pray for God to come make me his, and heal me.

In the end, I ended up feeling bitter towards God. And I still hold this unnatural resentment towards him. Which is stupid, given that I don't believe he exists! I can't help but notice all the bad things in the world (poverty, dictators, illness etc). And I just think "if this is God's plan, it really sucks and I want no part of it!". If he created everything, he can't then judge us for the actions he knew we would take. We had no choice but to follow the plan he created!

But all the above just makes me sound like an angry athiest (probably true). And I don't want to be like that. I very much believe in live and let live. After all, I'm not the sole source of knowledge in the Universe. What I hold to be true could turn out to be a complete pack of lies! I respect everyone's opinions, each of us are perfectly entitled to itl I do wish I believed in something a bit happier than Athiesm. But I just can't see a higher power...

(I always found Sunday's miserable since my School days. I always had that "night before" feeling. Even though I've left School behind, the Sunday blues remain...)

Does anyone have any idea how I can deal with all this resentment about what happened in the past? Is it just a time thing, or something else? Thank you so much if you read all that!

PS. I'm really, really sorry if I offended anybody. It wasn't my intention! All these thoughts go on in my head, rightly or wrongly
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
I have read your post and still not sure what happened in the past, but I completely understand that sometimes practising gratitude is difficult.
As you said something happened in 2010 (correct me if i'm wrong), then I thing that you might need some more help than just allowing more time to pass.

Have you had counselling at all?
Sometimes I think just telling your story, having an empathetic ear to listen and to validate you can be quite effective.
In my own experience, just having someone who'll hear you out and say "Yes, that was shit, unfair, you didn't deserve that" etc. is enough for me to start putting painful feelings behind me.

I don't think we can always just magically move on from our past. I think that there are certain things we will always remember. The trick is to try and find some kind of wisdom or learning experience and to no longer allow our painful experience to affect the present.
 
M

mind_the_cones

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2014
Messages
62
Hi Somerset,

Long story short: When I started Uni in Autumn 2009, I thought it would be heaven. My dream course (Actuarial Science) at the University (Heriot-Watt) literally 2 miles from my house. So I didn't have to move out, and didn't have to take on any student loans. It was great for about 6 weeks, then I noticed I started getting lonely. I hung out with a few people, but I didn't think they really liked me very much. This fueled the loneliness, and it quickly mothballed into misery.

For some reason, it didn't affect my studying and/or exam performance. Over that Summer, one day I felt really guilty for having viewed Porn all those years. I had had slight unease before, but never of that intensity. I swore to repress any and all sexuality/sexual thoughts in my mind, to try and give up Porn. Which failed, over and over again. I was immediately more lonely and miserable then previous year, and it finally started affecting my studying. By time exams came round, I was so miserable I couldn't get out of bed and wanted to commit suicide. I ended up skipping the Christmas exams on medical advice, and eventually repeating the year. Even with much better friends, the next 3 years (2011-14) were on/off hell as I was obsessed with eliminating sexual thoughts. I had got it into my mind that they were the "enemy" and was tryig to destroy me.

I'm much better friends now with the people in my original year of Uni than I was then. Back then, I had been so used to School friends I think I got lazy and didn't make much effort to integrate. Given that I'm naturally a bit shy/insular, not the best idea in hindsight. But the repressing sexuality bit was the killer. If I had just been a bit more accepting of myself, I'd have avoided 4 years of hell. It was only a couple of months ago I realised I had been really stupid/naive, and you can have sexuality without having Porn. For years beforehand, I'd thought the two were one and the same!

So I was the architect of my own downfall. It's made me a much better person, totally improving my social skills etc. But if only I hadn't been so hard on myself...

I've never liked Sunday's, and it doesn't help I'm full of the flu at the moment (finally got some medicine today). I think things will get better when I finally start work at end of week, and have something to do with myself! In moments like this where I'm feeling under the weather, I get frustrated at how crap the World is. There's some good, but it's so full of evil, corruption, starvation etc etc etc. I could be here all day describing the hatred I have for the media...

I just don't want to feel angry, bitter and twisted. I have a counsellor who I really trust, so will mention all of this to him. But it's probably just me having too much time to think again!

Matthew
 
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