• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Unpacking my BPD

S

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
175
Location
USA
Today I slept in the longest I've ever slept in before because earlier this morning I had a freak out. It wasn't loud or obnoxious but rather out of the blue and emotionally revealing. I've been going through a lot of emotional burn out and it leaves me feeling numb. There's a lot to unpack but I told myself I'd take a break by just taking one feeling at a time. I've realized when I do that I feel more in control of myself. It's times like these that makes me feel like my mind is spinning doughnuts inside my head. I'm forgetting to do simple tasks like brush my teeth and change my clothes. I've been forcing myself to get up to do those tasks and then I go back to sleep. By the time I get up, it's only a few hours from sun down due to daylight savings. I already have somatic symptoms of depression, especially irritability, so seasonal depression is a downer to end all downers. I try to do things to conserve myself energy by taking naps or having the occasional caffeine like green tea, but I end up getting a sinus headache. This time of year makes me hopeful and cranky at the same time, but I'm at least trying to stay motivated, even a little bit.

As far as BPD goes, I honestly don't know if I'll ever get better. I go through consistent highs and lows and nothing seems to give me a sense of relief. There are times when I've wished for someone to hold me and tell me, "It's okay, it'll all make sense eventually" or "You're as bad as you think you are, you're not wrong for feeling the way you do." I like to think my thoughts are just malevolent creatures that found their way inside my head with the purpose of turning me against myself. I decided not give into them this time because now I know that trying to fight them won't work in my favor. I need to take time unpacking every feeling, thought, and emotion that occurs. I feel like if I do that each day, I'll become lighter and lighter until I can sense freedom. I've realized when I teeter-totter my symptoms, I'm actually just gambling with those demons. I've done being a prisoner of my mind because it creates a false reality where I'm the hero and the villain. I've realized no one's free from making mistakes and it's a necessary aspect of growth that I'm used to demonizing because of my perfectionist tendencies. If I'm so knowledgeable about my situation, can I allow myself to let things go?

Nothing can hurt me if I don't allow to get to me. I have a choice to choose what affects me. I should allow myself to get to the bottom of whatever's bugging me without it attaching itself to me. If I allow myself to see myself as someone worth celebrating than I'll eventually become that person. I remembered something my mother told me years ago when I was being bullied at school, "Feed the good wolf, not the bad wolf." The good wolf represents reinforcing positivity, not necessarily avoiding negativity. While starving the bad wolf means avoiding intrusive thoughts that are backed by facts. Now that I remembered this advice, I'll use it from now on but it'll need practice.

It's a confusing and depressing time that has battling feelings of discontent and numbness, but I'll survive it with my dignity intact. I'll continue to cultivate an identity, these demons won't win this time around.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Taking a break
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
5,928
Location
England
I'm very impressed by the way you think. You are motivated, positive and seeking more knowledge and understanding. You are looking after yourself as best as you can.

My life and thinking is similar to yours at the moment.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
B Most troublesome BPD symtom? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 7
T Love and BPD Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
3 Suspected bpd Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
N BPD and risk taking behaviour Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 9
midnightphoenix bpd Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 11
F How do you overcome BPD? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 7
D Bpd and connections to sex drive etc MAY HOLD TRIGGERS FOR SOME. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 10
D BPD Facial ticks Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 6
M Need Advice - BPD Ex Harassment Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 3
O Parent of adult child with BPD Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
U what part of your BPD gets causes you the most problems Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 8
N Do I suffer of BPD? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
B BPD IS SNEAKY Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 5
M Coping with BPD and a marriage separation. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 19
M Coping with BPD and a marriage separation. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
D Bpd and dieting Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 9
B Your bpd Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 6
D Bpd and work Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 9
2 help with antidepressants with bpd Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 12
V ''Cool things about people with BPD'' apparently... Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
V PMT & BPD Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 10
B Sex drive and BPD Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 5
CarolCatMeow I think I have BPD? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
L Pushing someone i love away due to BPD Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
ToastToTaste BPD and physically abusive reactions. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 5
S Is relationship paranoia part of BPD? Is this me being paranoid? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 62
S Coparenting with BPD - Supervised, Legal and Therapies delemma Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
A_Wilted_Daisy I might have BPD Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 6
J Husband of a BPD wife Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 14
B Anxiety and BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
G Is there a BPD chat line/ party line? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 6
W Break up, I have bpd (suspected) Im struggling was it all me? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
H Bpd and relationships Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 13
A Jealousy? - BPD Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 12
M I don’t have BPD, but... Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 11
LittleMissNameless BPD and sexuality Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 16
H I'm in a relationship with someone with BPD... Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 6
C BPD BUT ✨MANIC✨??? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 5
D Bpd Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
C Can someone with BPD change? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 14
L Low Libido, Long-Term Relationships & BPD: HELP Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 8
N i dont know if i have BPD or not and am looking for advice... Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 7
D I have bpd Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 1
S BPD and Pregnancy Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
V Not BPD related but my best friend was PTS today 💔 Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 12
J My experience with BPD growing up Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 2
E Where does my BPD end and I begin? Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 4
L Love-Hate BPD Cycle With Boyfriend Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 19
S autism <-> BPD relationship issues Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 8
EarthChild My bpd possibly affecting my marriage Borderline Personality Disorder Forum 6

Similar threads

Top