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Unmotivated to seek help

C

Confused one

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Illinois
Hello everyone,

my girlfriend believes that I am suffering from a case of “self pity/feeling sorry for myself.” Tells me to man up, grow a pair and grab life by the balls. Well, losing your career, passion, desire and motivation to move forward. Suffering a financial set back, injustice that occurred at work which I’m battling in court and a union that doesn’t seem to do anything for me. Battling loneliness, hopelessness, desire to even to continue living has devastated me to the point of no return.

I spent most of my days in bed, thinking, pondering if this is how life is supposed to be? I have a therapist that I talk to, but I still feel that talking isn’t getting me anywhere. Making decisions is hard, feel indecisive, confused and also unsure. I do believe eventually my girlfriend will get tired and move on with her life, after all, she’s not responsible for my own suffering. This is how I’m feeling.

Broken hearted
Confused
Hopeless
Lost my will to fight
Personal hygiene gone down the drain
Don’t want to get up from bed
Lost interest in just about everything
Guilt, shame overwhelms me
Often feel life is not worth living or fighting for anymore
No interest in sex or anything for that matter
Manhood is basically lost
Unmotivated to even seek help
At times I feel like taking revenge for what was done to me
Anger
Self doubt
Self pity
Depressed
Lonely
Overwhelmed

above are just a few of my symptoms and without a doubt I know that I am suffering from a case of depression. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life. My parents were not the best role models, lost both of my parents to AIDS due to their drug abuse/alcohol etc

I have a lot of trauma, set backs, pain, that’s I’ve dealt with and I have not been successful at any relationship due to own insecurities, doubts and the believe that I don’t deserve happiness. Also, I haven’t been a Saint, I’ve burn bridges, friendships, relationships, etc.

I’m a combat veteran as well, and I often deal with ptsd and survivors guilt. I don’t do drugs nor drink. However, I’m an occasional drinker. Currently I’m unemployed too.

technically speaking I’m not destitute, I have a home, basic transportation and I survived on a pension. Which isn’t much but it’s something. There are things that I should be thankful for but the reality is that I’m not internally happy. Starting my life all over again after turning 50 is devastating!! My ex wife/now current girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. To some of you that may be a great thing but trust me, age differences, mentality etc it’s a struggle.

I am scared of meds or anti depressants, not sure why but I am. I’ve attempted suicide 2 times during my life once when I was a teenager and once again when I was in my 20’s. When I came out from combat I felt into a deep depression that I ended up hospitalized at a VA hospital.

I’ve been known to have interpersonal problems with others. Often a lot because I’m misunderstood or I tend to run people the wrong way.. anyway, I’m so, so sorry about posting a long post. Maybe I’m trying to vent or provide a basic glimpse my struggles.

people often tell me, go out get some exercise, do this, do that, just live life, etc but it’s simply not that easy. Also, I’m not religious and I gave up on this whole god thing. At times I prayed nothing has been resolved or answered, feel like I’m just praying to nothing less. My girlfriend is religious and I have a few friends who are Christians, or better said believers and they keep telling me that I need Jesus, God in my life... but? I’ve tried to volunteer and even that doesn’t help me.

As I lay here in my bed losing yet another day, I often wonder why...? What this all means, what’s the point, what’s the purpose, what’s the reason. If I decide to just take my own life would people/family even care?

People tend to only care temporary then they forget about you and move on with their lives. I’ve also come to the conclusion that people don’t want to hangout with a sad, depressed, pessimistic guy and friends tend to ignore you because of your own self suffering.

my understanding is that I have the power to change things but do I really? Again, my apologies for the long post.
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
226
Location
USA
Hi Confused one,

Sounds like you are going through a really ruff time right now, I could see why you would be feeling so depressed. Sounds like you've dealt with a lot of lost and trauma in your life and that must be really hard on you too.

You're a bit older than me, so I don't think I can offer you and life advice. But, I do think you have the power to change things. Take some time to be depressed and figure things out, when you're ready, I believe you can figure things out again.

Btw thank you for your service!
 
lindyhop

lindyhop

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2021
Messages
244
Location
Ireland
By reaching out, you have already had the power to change things. And to answer your question yes people would and do care.
 
C

Confused one

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Illinois
Hi Confused one,

Sounds like you are going through a really ruff time right now, I could see why you would be feeling so depressed. Sounds like you've dealt with a lot of lost and trauma in your life and that must be really hard on you too.

You're a bit older than me, so I don't think I can offer you and life advice. But, I do think you have the power to change things. Take some time to be depressed and figure things out, when you're ready, I believe you can figure things out again.

Btw thank you for your service!
in order to have the power to change things you need to be first motivated... sadly, that’s not the case with me.
 
C

Confused one

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Illinois
By reaching out, you have already had the power to change things. And to answer your question yes people would and do care.
Having the power to change things seems so simple yet so hard to do because once you lost all motivation nothing seems to matter anymore. To include living! However, I have some belief that maybe miracles do happen but do they?
 
lindyhop

lindyhop

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2021
Messages
244
Location
Ireland
As you have depression, it's okay not to have motivation and in fact it is expected. You've been through a lot and grand miracles won't make anything better, just tiny steps in the right direction however tiny they need to be.
 
C

Confused one

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Illinois
As you have depression, it's okay not to have motivation and in fact it is expected. You've been through a lot and grand miracles won't make anything better, just tiny steps in the right direction however tiny they need to be.
Appreciate the honest feedback, you’re right about tiny steps. But even trying to take a step forward is hard to do. Not sure why am I being so damn pessimistic for but even taking a step or asking for help let alone drive myself to a place to seek help is extremely hard to do.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
918
hi confused one....i know from personal experience how tough depression can be but it does and will pass.

There are plenty of people on this forum who have been there and understand and care.

By the awy Welcome to the forums....this is a nice place to some to
 
lindyhop

lindyhop

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2021
Messages
244
Location
Ireland
Like I said before, by using this forum you've already taken a step in the right direction. There are a lot of people, myself included, have been where you are and know how wading through treacle-like it is to do anything.
 
Bipolarbear808

Bipolarbear808

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
226
Location
USA
in order to have the power to change things you need to be first motivated... sadly, that’s not the case with me.
Feeling depressed really sucks and I can totally relate to that feeling. But, If things only got done in the world when people felt motivated, nothing would ever get done. I think at some point, whether we feel like it or not, we just have to get it a try.
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
4,537
Location
Canada
Maybe meds could help, though you say you are scared of them. Does your therapist know about this? When feeling depressed and unmotivated it's possible they can help lift that cloud a bit so that you feel able to take some steps. I'm currently feeling depressed and just yesterday called the clinic and got a phone appointment coming up. I'm just gonna request a prescription for Zoloft since it helped me out of dark spots in the past.
 
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