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Unmotivated - Please Help me

S

Swissroll

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May 7, 2008
Messages
3
Hello there,

I really hope that coming here will bring some sort of help to this overwhelming situation. I am a 21 year old male, in college trying to become a counselor but I find myself unhappier than I have ever been in my life.

During high school I loved to work. I held the same job for 3 years then another for a year. I left both on good terms and for reasons beyond my control. I cannot figure out why but over the past week I have realized that for as long as I could remember over the past at least year or more I have been completely out of it.

I was sitting in the car when it all hit me. I got home and began to realize that perhaps my behavior as of late is not normal and maybe I need help. So here I am. I made a small list of what has happened that is not "me"

-I find myself being unable to fall asleep until 6-8am. I will sleep til 4 but still be extremely tired. I will go run, come home and start the process all over again. When ever anyone is around me, even my girlfriend I become annoyed and angry

-Though I still run, I do not enjoy it. I do it less and less and have gained 18 lbs.

-I cry. Alot. I cannot put my finger on it but I will sit, think and cry.

-I dream of my mothers suicide attempt almost every nite followed my thoughts or dreams of killing myself.

-I have no motivation to work. I will get excited about a job then simply not want to go. My father wants me to work with him while classes are out but I have no motivation and I am scared to talk to anyone about this.

Will someone please help me become the person I used to be. I am tired of being so angry and scared of never becoming what I want to be. I have goals and I just want to succeed.

Thank you
 
M

Michael

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Dec 17, 2007
Messages
2,365
Location
East Lancs
Motivation, mmh, if I could give you the magic word or potion I would.
It feels sometimes like the holy grail of life doesn't it.
Doesn't really help you saying that though does it.
What to do, well writing on here may help, writing has helped get a lot of things out of me that I could never talk about face to face.
No doubt you have thought about going to your doctor, and others, even on this site will say it is a good step to take.
I will only agree with them, I will say that as I was 'conned' into going, I never believed in talking to anyone, and now I look back at many wasted years. Its advice, but advice borne out experience, it can't help to try though can it.
Another thing I have learnt that sometimes a detour in life is needed, some would call it a break, never feel bad about taking one if it is needed it can do wonders when the break is over and you feel refreshed.

One thing I always used to feel was that I was on my own and wouldn't be understood. Forums such as this has proved that I am not on my own, and I hope you will agree that we can understand.
The steps you take on recovery are your own, but it is a better and easier journey to go along with someone else.
Your doctor may be able to help on a local level and we can help if you want on here.

Continue to write and let us know how you are.

Best Wishes

Michael
 
nickh

nickh

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Feb 14, 2008
Messages
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Location
Birmingham UK
I can only echo Michael Swissroll. The first thing to do is to go and get some help. Really! :). It is what we say most often here but that doesn't make it any less true.

And keep posting here and let us know how you get on.

Nick.
 
S

Swissroll

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Founding Member
Joined
May 7, 2008
Messages
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Sometimes I think maybe that is what I need is a break but because of the cost of college, bills, etc I really dont have time for one = \

I am going to talk to my dad today about how I feel and hopefully he does not see it as me being a lazy 21 year old.

What really scares me alot is the dreams I am having about my mom and myself, that is part of the reason I choose not to sleep is so I do not have to relive that day. It just bothers me that after 8 years it is coming back to haunt me.

I chose not to go to work today, I just feel too tired to go lay carpet and pick up heavy shit. I suppose I should set short term goals. Maybe monday I will force myself to work and see how it goes...I will keep you guys updated about my appointment.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Hi Swissroll - I recently had a conversation with my consultant about something that had happened and then a few weeks later I had a big crash. I had written off what had happened as something I'd coped with and didn't figure it as part of the cause. What he said to me is that even though we cope with things intellectually our hearts, and therefore our emotions, sometimes take a long time to catch up.

Depression can be an overwhelming thing in your life. I feel at times that it invades every cell of my being and filters out by some sort of capillary action to all the inanimate stuff as well. It seems to cover my life like a blanket. Your disturbed sleep pattern is characteristic of depression. Perhaps that's a place you can start. Sleep can be a scary place (I have a sleep phobia which is no fun) but I have been educated into regular bed times and regular wake up times and I do as I'm told and it helps a bit.

See your doctor and talk honestly. Be honest with your dad if you can and get as much support as possible. And we're here. :hug:
 
S

Swissroll

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Founding Member
Joined
May 7, 2008
Messages
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Just as I had guessed my father wanted to hear none of it. The funny thing is that his lack of belief or concern for my "silly" problems may ultimately be what pushes me over.

How is it that a man who has seen his brother take his own life and his wife make an attempt at doing so be so blind to what I feel ?

I do not know why it is all crashing in on me now. All the years of abuse from my mother, watching my father beat her, having my dad get very physical with me. How is it that he cannot see where this anger is coming from.

Driving home today I thought of what it would be like to end it all. What would be the way that would be least painful to not only myself but my family, friends, and wonderful girlfriend hannah. I thought about maybe jumping off of a bridge into the rocks below, late at night so I could have a peaceful time to look back and think about my life.

I really dont want to kill myself because of how much pain it would bring to those around me. However without my parents help or having money I have no idea where to turn.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I'm sorry your father is so unwilling to help.

I just want to say that lots of people have thoughts of suicide at one time or another. It seems to be part of the package but that doesn't mean that you will kill yourself or try to. It's good that you're aware of this. Can you not talk to a GP or a counsellor at college (if you haven't already left for the summer?) or some organization. I'm not sure where you are but my guess is not the UK.

It can help being on here but you do need help in your world too. Have you talked to Hannah? Keep posting SR :hug:
 
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