Unmotivated in life, feel like a failure.

[Laputa]

I have ADHD and undiagnosed depression. I dropped out of high school, after years of never doing schoolwork. I've lost contact with all of my friends after not making an attempt to reconnect. I don't have a job. My room is a hellhole wreck. My computers hdd broke months ago. I've felt this way for years but I've been so uncomfortable talking about this. I told my mother but sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand. I've tried therapy once and I've never felt better getting it off my chest. But therapy can be so expensive and there is no money for it. Sometimes I feel like suicide really is the answer, maybe then I wouldn't be a leech anymore. Even then it's not like I would have to guts to do it.

What do I even do from here? I have no education. I have debilitating depression and ADHD. There is a pandemic and I live smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood of antimaskers. I feel uncomfortable being outside, and when I do go outside I get anxious.

My step-dad hates me. He's said it straight to my face, that I'm just a failure. All I want is everything to be over. Sometimes I wish that there was something other than suicide that could do that.

I've truly given up and I don't know what to do.

 

[Laputa]

I have been struggling with my weight for as long as I can remember. I am a 6 foot tall male. I don't have an appetite and I don't enjoy food. I just wish I could drink something to get all my nutrients. I find it very difficult to cook. I can never think of anything and I always mess it up somehow.

I'm unhealthy and my step-dad always points it out. I'll be standing in our pantry entrance and he'll laugh and ask if I could find anything. It feels like he's laughing at me, not with me. Like my life is some cruel joke that I'm forced to endure. He'll make rude comments and he's often drunk. Sometimes I'll skip dinner so I don't have to see or talk to him. Sometimes I won't leave my room because I don't want to hear him. I'm glad he's never gotten physical though.

My mother has gone through multiple divorces through her life. She always seemed to pick someone abusive. When I was young my at the time step-dad pinned my mother in the air against a wall by her throat. She spent the night in jail while he went free because she had lied to the police, believing she could protect him. He had locked me in my room, I had never been so afraid of a confined space before. He is a state official now, I can't believe someone like him can be allowed to hold that position.

There was another man who couldn't control his drinking. We had to lock the liquor in a cabinet so he wouldn't drink it. One night I heard crying coming from my mother's room. My sister and I were terrified and hid in the basement. We sat down there in silence hearing her cries through the vents. I heard a loud crash and thumping. He had thrown her and himself down the stairs. I ran up the stairs to see him on top of her, hurting her. I told him that I was ready to call the police if he didn't get up and leave. The whole time my mother pleaded for me not the call the police.

We used to be Mormon, but the church always insisted my mom to get married as if she wasn't married she was impure and would go to hell. One time some Mormon missionaries came up to me and gave me a Bible. I told them that I didn't want it and they could have it back. I told them that I used to be a Mormon but I wasn't anymore. They kept insisting that maybe I'd rejoin. I tried to give it back but they refused and took off. I couldn't control myself, I felt so much anger and frustration. This interaction felt like a summation of my entire experience with the church. I went back to my house and set the book on fire. Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did. What I did betrays my whole philosophy. I wish I had never done what I did but I can't change the past now and I have to live with what I've done.

 

[Laputa]

I feel like maybe I've been neglected, but I don't want to tell anyone that. I don't want to lose my mother. I feel like if I tell anyone they won't want to help me but they'll do what the script says. I'm just so afraid.

 

[Laputa]

I believe I've had depression for many years now, since childhood. I remember not doing my homework and feeling alone. I never felt comfortable talking to her and she always seemed to focus her attention on my sister. She was her first daughter after 3 boys. She had the rich dad and everything she wanted. She hated me so much. I still have the ~4 inch scar on my thigh to prove it.

We're closer than ever now but I feel like I still can't comfortably talk to her about my depression. Very rarely will I talk to her about it.

The person I feel closest to is my trans sister. I hold her up as the father figure I never had during my life. She was like a second mother to me, sometimes very literally. She would take care of me and my sister. I was one of the first people she talked to about her transition. I feel like I should be able to talk to her about my depression but it's so incredibly difficult.

I remember being very young (5-8) and being at some kind of doctors office. I was talking to a doctor and my mom was sitting next to me. The doctor asked if I had suicidal thoughts and I didn't know what to say. I was never going to say yes in front of my mom so I lied. I felt so much guilt lying about this, I felt like I was going to be taken away if I said yes and I didn't want that to happen. I still feel that guilt and I still feel that inability to say that to my mom.

 

[Laputa]

I just feel like there's nowhere to go from where I am. I sit on my ass all day watching YouTube videos for what? I could be working and helping pay the rent, but I'm scared to go outside. I should go back to school but I don't know how to do that and if I'd even be able to keep up. I want to medicate but it was torture the first time I'd tried it. Even then there is no money for it. Neither is there money for therapy.

Sometimes I want to blame it on our system. Why does something like therapy or medication cost so much money. Why does there have to be so many people hurting. I just want it all to be over with. I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's just so overwhelming and I feel like I'm reaching my boiling point. I've tasted gunmetal, but not lead.

 

[Laputa]

I often struggle to wake up and get out of bed. I'll stay in bed for hours. Going back to sleep or just playing on my phone.

 

[squizofrenia123]

Look, I dropped out of high school too but returned and have a graduate degree. So, in America, you can return to school at any age as long as you have the means and motivation. Also, you are depressed now so don't expect to do too much. I would highly recommend for you to tell your family doctor or Primary Care Physician about your current situation. May be, he/she can refer you to someone who can help you. You need help so seek help from your doctor or other health professional. Please find help some how. Also, please don't blame your mother or father or family for your situation. You are becoming an adult or an adult, please feel responsible for your feelings and actions. I had a horrendous childhood myself and was abused by my brother and father physically with bats and brooms or whatever they could terrorize me with. My mother also "accidentally" punctured pencil lead into my fingers as a child. So, if you want exchange stories about abuse and such, I could tell you what I went through myself. I was also molested when I was 13 years old by a medical doctor. So, I could be a mess too but decided to take charge of my life. I am older than you and have had my experiences. I will tell you it is easier to feel sorry for yourself than do something constructive for yourself. Don't give up given your situation- find help instead from someone who can help you. I know this sounds harder than it sounds but you deserve to be helped. If you don't have any reliable family members, then at least ask them to take you to the doctor to seek help. Finally, please ask if you can see the doctor by yourself. You don't have to tell your family member this while with them, you just tell the receptionist yourself. You need to survive so please seek help for yourself. Best wishes!

 

[jajingna]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to read about your depression. It's a common illness. Getting some help is the best thing to do.

 

[GTP]

I just feel like there's nowhere to go from where I am. I sit on my ass all day watching YouTube videos for what? I could be working and helping pay the rent, but I'm scared to go outside. I should go back to school but I don't know how to do that and if I'd even be able to keep up. I want to medicate but it was torture the first time I'd tried it. Even then there is no money for it. Neither is there money for therapy.

Sometimes I want to blame it on our system. Why does something like therapy or medication cost so much money. Why does there have to be so many people hurting. I just want it all to be over with. I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's just so overwhelming and I feel like I'm reaching my boiling point. I've tasted gunmetal, but not lead.

Laputa,
I am in no way yet qualified to give anyone any advice and most of it hits a brick wall when given.
The trick to many situations is to just start doing something and hanging on to it. There's gotta be something to keep close to yourself on this world, whatever that may be. It's hard to be in your shoes, but it will be harder if you remain passive.
Getting a job, whatever it would be, will make a huge difference because you will have something to invest in. Invest in yourself.

 

[bpd2020]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear about all you have been through and all that is happening.

Laputa, you are so caring and protective of your mum. I can understand you having to protect her and that left you without the option to speak up to professionals. I can see she has struggles of her own and therefore may not be able to understand what you are going through. It is great you feel close to your sister and look up to them. I would try to talk to them about how you are feeling. I think having some support would really help you.

You are being so hard on yourself. You are blaming yourself for not being able to work or study. When feeling the way you feel it is very hard to be able to do either of those things. It takes a bit of confidence to even attempt that.

It is very unfair that in order to get therapy or medication you need insurance. You said you tried medication once but it did not help. There are many other ones which may help. It can take time to find the right one. Is it possible to look into any free counselling services? Maybe you could look that up in a search engine.

I know when feeling low many struggle to eat. Is it possible for you to have shakes like Complan or Core Powder? You may find it a bit easier to drink something like that if you are unable to eat.

Keep talking to us. You are not alone.

 

[treasurebox]

There will be better days for you. Happiness is a choice, so choose to be happy. Create happy moments.

Music helps me. Music therapy or listening to good and uplifting songs on youtube makes me feel and think better.

Also doing what I love to do which is writing helps me too. What do you love to do? What are you good at? Is it cooking, baking, gardening, doing arts and crafts? Do it and it will make you happy and even be successful.

 

[always thirsty]

I have ADHD and undiagnosed depression. I dropped out of high school, after years of never doing schoolwork. I've lost contact with all of my friends after not making an attempt to reconnect. I don't have a job. My room is a hellhole wreck. My computers hdd broke months ago. I've felt this way for years but I've been so uncomfortable talking about this. I told my mother but sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand. I've tried therapy once and I've never felt better getting it off my chest. But therapy can be so expensive and there is no money for it. Sometimes I feel like suicide really is the answer, maybe then I wouldn't be a leech anymore. Even then it's not like I would have to guts to do it.

What do I even do from here? I have no education. I have debilitating depression and ADHD. There is a pandemic and I live smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood of antimaskers. I feel uncomfortable being outside, and when I do go outside I get anxious.

My step-dad hates me. He's said it straight to my face, that I'm just a failure. All I want is everything to be over. Sometimes I wish that there was something other than suicide that could do that.

I've truly given up and I don't know what to do.

yo i had the covid! why you scared of anti-maskers? are you old or unhealthy? i 45 year old smoker and it was relatively mild. don't trip, if you get it (i hope this don't get deleted) unless you really unhealthy it's not that big a deal. make sure you get your sunshine and health, don't be too scared. the scared and indoors can make you more unhealthy than a bout of covid trust me.

 

[always thirsty]

 

[always thirsty]

i just wanna add, bc i had it, that the damage i took this year from the fear and indoors was 10x worse than the covid. and i'm not being some one side or the other guy. i'm speaking from experience. don't let this hold you down!